First Time asking for help here.

[rmtt]

This is the first time I have ever asked for any type of counseling help even though I have been through a lot...so here goes my last few years in a "nutshell".

Was married for 10 years (been together 12). Had two children...My son died at 2 1/2 with a problem he was born with, then 3 years later my ex told me she wanted a divorce over the phone while on a business trip. I came back 2 days later to find my house for sell, and my clothes packed. So after consulting a lawyer, I moved out a few days later. I was devastated as I didn't know what had went wrong, and didn't see any signs that we were having problems.

A week later, I found out that she had started listening to my neighbor who was filling her head with crap, so she decided the grass was greener and wanted out of our marriage. I received my divorce on grounds of adultery, and received custody of my daughter. 3 months after that happened, she left the guy she was with (neighbor), and moved out on her own because he was abusive. She has been with a few people since then, and about a year ago started living with a guy who wants to get married, but she says it doesn't feel right.

Now 3 years after our divorce, she is wanting me back. Telling me how much she regretted what she did, and missed "our family" being together, and how she constantaly thinks about me, and that she made a big mistake. I went for a solid year after our divorce without seeing a person as I devoted all of my time to my daughter and her well-being through this.

And the thing is that I met a wonderful girl about a year ago, but now I'm starting to question everything. i don't feel as though I still have feelings for my ex other than the sentimental attachment that went with being with someone for so long, but the more she talks, the more I start to think about my future, my daughter, etc.

Any suggestions or thoughts? I appreciate any input.

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

If she dumped you once, she will most likely dump you again. She is gonna use you as a fall back guy until she tries the "grass is greener on the other side" thing again! My advice is do not take her back, BUT do let her se her mom anytime she wants! Kids always need their mother in their loves. Life is a hard pill to swallow my friend. But I wish you alll the best!

 

[Mackster]

Hey Buddy! What a pickle of a predicament! hahaha... The one question I would ask myself is what has your ex done to change? Has she been working on her emotional or spiritual life? You know the old addage, "Change Comes From Within?"
I'd start with that.
Good luck man!

 

[rmtt]

She really hasn't done much to change, but she says that she has grown more mature in the 3+ years we have been divorced. I know a few weeks after it all happened, she said that she regretted it and wanted her family back. But I just couldn't see how she could let someone else fill her head with stuff about me, and not even ask me about it.

She said that she realized her mistake, but knew that I wouldn't trust her again.

My biggest concern is my daughter, as she doesn't understand why I wouldn't give her another chance. My daughter knows what happened, but not specific details as I didn't want her to know any of that or harbor bad feelings towards her mom, and wanted to minimize any impact on her especially after being through what she had been through.( Loosing her brother)

I have been seeing someone for a little over a year now who treats me like a king. We click on all levels, and my daughter adores her. But the thought of "what if" still runs through your mind especially after you were with a person for so long.

 

[Amazon Doll]

All I think about in a situation like this is the good of the child.

 

[Mackster]

Now I'm with ya'. Ok man. I wasn't sure what kind of relationship you had with the new girl. It sounds like your big fear right now, which you may not see, is getting rejected and hurt. No shame in that man. Especially after everything you've been through. Do you have thoughts like? "What if the new girl dumps you and you become very attached to her? Your ex has already had the chance and that pain may not frighten you as much(because you've been through it)."

The thing is, you have to decide who YOU want to be with. I know you've probably entertained the thought of getting back with your ex to make things easy for your daughter but it would be a sacrifice on your part from what it sounds like. Your daughter wouldn't want that for you. Especially considering that you are really happy with this other girl who adores your daughter as well.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Now I'm with ya'. Ok man. I wasn't sure what kind of relationship you had with the new girl. It sounds like your big fear right now, which you may not see, is getting rejected and hurt. No shame in that man. Especially after everything you've been through. Do you have thoughts like? "What if the new girl dumps you and you become very attached to her? Your ex has already had the chance and that pain may not frighten you as much(because you've been through it)."

The thing is, you have to decide who YOU want to be with. I know you've probably entertained the thought of getting back with your ex to make things easy for your daughter but it would be a sacrifice on your part from what it sounds like. Your daughter wouldn't want that for you. Especially considering that you are really happy with this other girl who adores your daughter as well.

No. His fear is losing whatever life he has built since she decided to leave the relationship and "go on tour". Now he has begun to pick up the pieces and she wants a do-over. In life there are very seldom do-overs. Obviously, it is up to him whether or not he wants to gamble with what he has now and take a risk on the old relationship.

rmtt, is the risk to reward ratio really high enough for you to take that chance? I see high risk with what could be low reward or even the possibility of a complete disaster! Tread carefully in your decisions rmtt. This will be a big one.

 

[rmtt]

No. His fear is losing whatever life he has built since she decided to leave the relationship and "go on tour". Now he has begun to pick up the pieces and she wants a do-over. In life there are very seldom do-overs. Obviously, it is up to him whether or not he wants to gamble with what he has now and take a risk on the old relationship.

rmtt, is the risk to reward ratio really high enough for you to take that chance? I see high risk with what could be low reward or even the possibility of a complete disaster! Tread carefully in your decisions rmtt. This will be a big one.

That pretty much sums up how I feel. I was with her for so long, and married for 10 years when this happened. It has been a hard process, but I have started rebuilding. I just put all of my focus on my little girl, and now have this one perspective which basically makes my decision for me...I know what my daughter went through before...so would I risk submitting her to that chance of it happening again if we were to get back together? That is not worth it in any way to me.

My daughter matters first and foremost, and her well being comes before my own. I'm sure she will understand when she is older.

Thanks for the input guys.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

That pretty much sums up how I feel. I was with her for so long, and married for 10 years when this happened. It has been a hard process, but I have started rebuilding. I just put all of my focus on my little girl, and now have this one perspective which basically makes my decision for me...I know what my daughter went through before...so would I risk submitting her to that chance of it happening again if we were to get back together? That is not worth it in any way to me.

My daughter matters first and foremost, and her well being comes before my own. I'm sure she will understand when she is older.

Thanks for the input guys.

Anytime. You just keep taking good care of that little girl of yours, dad.

 

[oldfella]

RMTT, This will be one of those decisions that gets put on the "Hardest in your life" file at the top. My take is this. How do you really feel about the lady you are with now? I mean really feel. Search your feelings deep down and ask, do i want to spend some serious years with this person? Will she fulfill my needs and wants and will I do the same for her? Your daughter already likes her, so that isn't a problem, You obviously harbour some feelings for her, so this isn't the problem. "WHAT IF", this is the problem. So it's like this, you went a year without someone of significance in your life! You managed to get over the emotional trauma of the ex. So if we look at worst case, you decide not to have your ex back in your life as such, you do decide to make a go of it with the new partner. If it all goes south you would probably still be better off as you were that first year of just you and your beautiful daughter. SO this would be the worst. The best outcome is, you absolutely hook up with your new lady and live happily ever after. But if and i say if you take your ex back the thought of her doing another vanishing act on you again will be forever in your thoughts and you will be wondering when it will happen. Not exactly the ideal circumstance to have in a relationship. It will be the constant state of doubt that will place pressure on the entire affair. Looking at it this way I would take option 1, Make a new life with a new lady. Just my honest opinion. Good luck with what ever you choose to do!

 

[hwood]

If you and your child still love her and feel that you can unconditionally forgive her, then I would "consider". And I would promise yourself that if you do forgive her and give it a chance then you should never bring up her mis-deeds again. However, please give deep consideration to whether you can forgive, move past it and re-establish trust. Or will you constantly be looking over your shoulder - see who she dialed, wonder where she is, check her text messages, constantly think about the past, etc.

Believe me it can drive a man nuts. But if you are mentally strong enough and have a forgiving heart, then it can work. But not for many.

 

[thebrick]

Having lived through the death of a child myself I can tell you that few marriages can survive that. There's a lot of feelings of guilt, sadness, sometimes blame, and it creates a bad environment for a relationship to flourish. That can continue for a long time, even subconsciencely. Living through that, picking up the pieces and rebuilding your life is very, very hard.

You sound like a great dad and you have my complete respect.

 

[rmtt]

Having lived through the death of a child myself I can tell you that few marriages can survive that. There's a lot of feelings of guilt, sadness, sometimes blame, and it creates a bad environment for a relationship to flourish. That can continue for a long time, even subconsciencely. Living through that, picking up the pieces and rebuilding your life is very, very hard.

You sound like a great dad and you have my complete respect.

Thanks for all the help guys.

OTC and oldfella, I knew I could count on you two to point out a different point of view to look at. To others that contributed, I appreciate it as a perspective different from what I see is always good in a situation like this.

thebrick...

I am sorry for your loss. It is exactly as you described and more. My son had his good days, but he was so sick for the most part and required 24 hour care most of his life. And while I believe that you always have a special type of relationship with your children, this was something extra special for me as he and I bonded in a totally different way because of his illness.

And after his death, I feel that one good thing that came out of it besides him no longer suffering was that it made me and my daughter even closer.

 

[JustWannaBeHuge]

i feel for you man. i couldn't imagine losing my daughter. i'm so sorry to hear your son went through a lot of pain/sickness before he passed.

about your ex wife. I'm sure you still have feelings for her to an extent, but i would suggest you look at where you are in life now. i mean, look at everything, not just relationship wise.

i wish you the best, but if you do decide to give her another chance, don't do it because of the daughter you both have together. being in a relationship solely because there is a child involved is 100% unfair to everyone involved in it. and it builds resentment like you can't imagine towards the other spouse. your daughter still has a mom, she just doesn't live with you, so don't think about this needs to happen so my child will be happy. i wish you luck my friend.

 

[Kaiser]

Sometimes we are not necessarily truly attracted to someone, we just want to control what is out of control due to pride and emotions. If or when you do gain control however, you usually realize the prize at the end of your fury is not what you wanted in the first place.

Good luck which ever path you take buddy.