ive been trin to think of what to say...need some advice

maxsupplements · Mar 22, 2005

Hey guys, i have been havin some serious relationship problems lately. well its all new anyways, but since everyone seems to have such greaty advice and big hearts around here, i thought i would ask yall what you think about this and what i should do. I am 25yr old, just got married to a woman 6 months ago, and we had been dating 2 yrs, bofore that. well we had had some bumps in the hill like every couple has and really never looked too deep into it. before we got married she used to be a great woman, easy goin, super hot, great bod, will hang out with anyone and get along with anyone, also has a nice family. but seems like ever since we have gotten married, all i hear is constant nagging,she doesnt care what she looks like and sits around the house all day after she gets off work, its as if she turned into a crazy animal when that wedding band went on her finger. the sex is still there and very steady (test...) and is usually initiated by her, but the probelms and fights never stop.i know this wont sound like something a guy would say, but a marriage isnt all about sex, there needs to be some happiness in other ways, it even has gotten to the point when she got mad at me cause i was gonna cook quesadillas instead of baked chicken, and she completely blew up. I know not alot of you know me very well, but i try to be the most pleasant and understanding to a woman and try to understand what they are feeling atthe time, but man guys, i feel like hell, i cannot please her, she say, youre so insensitive and you dont give a shit about me, all you care about is yourself, youre just a huge asshole, you never spend time with me and dont care to. well guys this is really got me at a stump. last nite she was yelling and screaming because i wouldnt fight with her. i have begun counseling for my personal problems and my counselor tells me to first stop the fighting before it begins, so when i do try to stop it, BOOM!!!!

she fuckin explodes beacuse i wont get into a fight with her. I hate to think this but i am NOT happy and dont think she will change, she is 24 and just as stubbvorn as hell, she wont go to couseling because she says i have all the problems. i know this may sound crazy guys, but sometimes i feel verbally abused. being constantly yelled at and told youo do this wrong and never think about anything but yourself, man it gets so old, and i am actually thinkin of divorce. yes guys i love her, but i want to be happy, and this is not my idea of happy. Correct me if i am wrong sigmund, but you cant make someone else happy if you yourself arent happy. and i am taking care of my personal problems i experieced when i was young (parental abandonment) and i know i have problems and want to fix them, but my wife wont think about it.. any suggestions.. i need some help... it hurts in my heart every damn day...

Viviana · Mar 23, 2005

Sorry you're going through all this

One thing that stuck out to me, was what you said your wife said:
"you never spend time with me and dont care to"

Maybe spending more quality time alone together....might help

Tell her how you feel and also have alone time together
Realize why you two fell in love in the first place, and the things you love about eachother besides sex

Good luck

Sigmund Roid · Mar 23, 2005

Maxsupplements what you are describing is very common.

Not to lessen the heartache you are going through. You are no doubt suffering. Very often one of the marriage partners begins to seriously take the other for granted. I encountered just what you are describing last night in a group counseling session that ended up being very emotional for all twelve members of the group. In last nights session it was a very nice lady who had been in a situation just such as the one you are describing in your message. She had no idea what she had done to her mate or why he began finding fault with nearly every thing she did or said. She didn't feel special or cherished and finally even the sex got bad as I am sure it will in your case as well. After all who wants to have sex with someone they can't stand? Obviously she has some issues that need to be resolved. Those problems are hers.

While you decide what steps to take, consider the following: Whose behavior can I control? So, take only those actions which will bring you closer together, not farther apart. Replay this question in your mind: "Will what I am about to say or do bring us closer together or farther apart?" One can only do their best. Unfortunately a sick marriage cannot be healed throught the efforts of one person, it takes two.

Is the marriage worth saving? I think it might be a useful question to put forth in a loving, non-threatening manner. Something along these lines: Honey, I really care about you and our marriage. I am worried about losing this precious relationship enough that I want to save it if you do. I have been feeling very uncomfortable with the way things are in our relationship right now. Aren't you uncomfortable? I hope we are willing to each do what we can to change our own behavior to make things in our marriage the way we envisioned them. It certainly can't be a healthy situation if we continue treating each other the way we are now, right?

Find out if she is willing to save the marriage. Truthfully admit to yourself if you are willing to work on the marriage. If you both want to save the marriage it can absolutely be saved. The thing to keep in mind is only thinking about what you can do, not attempting to tell her what to do. She should only say what things she is willing to do in order to make the marriage better. Neither one can attempt to control the other. People get defensive when that behavior manifests itself. Strike a bargain. I'd be willing to ___________. Oh, if you'd do that, then I'd be willing to _________. Something along those lines. Nothing should be said such as, "Well, if you'd just stop being such a fucking bitch we'd get along!" [even if it's true] Work on what each of you is willing to do.

Hope that helps a little and I hope you didn't marry a girl who was putting on some sort of act, just to get married. That would really be a downer! Please let us know what the two of you decide to do. Sounds like you feel like you married a different person that the female you come home to now!

Think of a couple things you might be doing to make the situation what it is and let us know what you might be willing to do to make some changes.

maxsupplements · Mar 24, 2005

I have just been spread very thin

well i have just been spread very thin lately and she just doesnt understand. well my best freind/grandfather died one month ago. I am haveing a serious problem with getting over it. everytime i start feeling better about my self and my wife and my situation i fall back down, because she blasts me down. I have actually just had a talk with her today. we were at another y in the road and she said, this is bullshit. i am on my last straw. so i asked her, are you willing to save this marriage? she said, well yea, if its quick cause im runnin out of patience. this is rdiculous. i said bethany, i am just starting to feel better about my grandfather and you tell me you have no patience?? I then told her i was 100% dedicated to making this work at all optiuons but I just feel as if she isnt giving me any credit for what i do. its as if she picks at the way i wear my hair, or if i forget to shave. ahhh. this is not fun. bare with me guys.. its hard to type all this in my head.. so what can i change? i can spend more time with her ( i spend everyevening during the weekend and week and the day on the weekend, when im not at work) i can not stress her out... i could be more flexible. i could pay more attention to her feelings. i know i have problems. but i cannot be a perfect person, or whatever she invisioned me to be when we said yes. sshe has changed from a person that used to care about her looks, care about her friends, and have a life outside of our relationship, be onfire for God, love her job, and just be a carefree girl, well that wasnt long ago, and now i am with someone that i did not fall in love with. she has changed to be the total opposite. i Have also changed and some is for the better but some is for the worst. we all change over time, and i am feeling secure and a little bit more grown up than what i used to be. no partyin, no stayin out late, and no hustlin. I have grown closer to God than i have ever been. but i have also began to be a lot more pessimistic since i have felt the relationship getting worse. I love my job, and am happy with my life with bethany, i just dont feel as if i am the right man for her. i am trying my fullest, and will continue to try harder every day. i am just having to take one day at a time, slow and sure. sorry for the venting guys, but the time in between m counseling sessions, i fely on my fellow freinds and board members, thats what friends are for right?

lynx · Mar 24, 2005

Someone very close to you passed away and you are having a hard time with it and she is not being very supportive. In my opinion that is VERY selfish behavior. Your grandfather sounds like he was an important part of your life and she should be there for you. This makes me feel very bad for you because the only person she's in love with right now is herself.

BigBoyJ · Mar 24, 2005

I don't want to sound too harsh, but I have to tell you, she sounds like a bitch. You shouldn't have to change for her. She knew who you were before you got married. If she didn't like you for you, then she should have said no to your proposal. Compromising when the situation calls for it is one thing, but to attempt to control your hair style, or verbally assaulting you if you forget to shave is shit. Don't put up with it. Don't let her, or anyone else make you feel bad about yourself. Let her know you won't put up with it. Believe it or not, sometimes women will gain a lot of respect for you when you let her know she will NOT be able to run you over. If you make her understand that YOU ARE A MAN and you will not allow her to treat you that way, yet she continues to do it, then be done with her. She's your wife, not your owner.

JETHRO TULL · Mar 24, 2005

HEY MAX I SEE YOU MENTIONED GOD IN YOUR POST....

I AM A BELIEVER AS WELL....SO JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT I CHECKED OUT WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS 'LOVE' IS.....I GET SICK OF PEOPLE TOSSING THAT 'I LOVE YOU' CRAP AROUND. I DON'T THINK MOST OF US HAVE A CLUE WHAT LOVE IS...... FOR SURE IT ISN'T JUST A GOOD ROMP! HAHAHA......ANYHOW.... IN 1ST CORINTHIANS CHAPTER 13 THE CHARACTERISTICS OF LOVE ARE THESE.......

LOVE SUFFERS LONG AND IS KIND (IS SHE KIND?)

LOVE DOESN'T ENVY.

LOVE DOESN'T PUT ITSELF FIRST.

LOVE DOES NOT BEHAVE IN AN UNSEEMLY MANNER AND IS NOT EASILY PROVOKED.

SORRY YOUR GRANDPA DIED......I HAD A HELL OF A TIME WITH THAT WHEN MINE DID. HE AND I WOULD TAKE WALKS OUT IN THE RIVER BOTTOM CHECKING HIS COWS. HE GAVE ME SOME KNIVES...I HAVE A COLLECTION... I STILL MISS TALKING WITH HIM.

LOVE THINKS NO EVIL.

LOVE REJOICES IN THE TRUTH NOT INIQUITY.

LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, BELIEVES ALL, HOPES ALL THINGS AND ENDURES ALL!

I GUESS IT'S EASY TO TELL IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE OR IS SOMEONE LOVES YOU OR NOT BY COMPARING IT TO THAT LIST!

maxsupplements · Mar 24, 2005

i appreciate that jethro

jethro, God is very prevelant in my life, and without Him, I am nothing. I have endured alot of pain and suffering in my young life, and my wife apparently doesnt understand this.
My grandfather was my best freind. we spent practically every weekend together either hunting or lookin at those damn cows. he loved cows, they are so dumb to me, but he sure liked them i also have a gun collection that he passed to me, and i use those things very frequently. in fact, turkey season starts in like 2 weeks, that will be a very hard time for me, becase he used to love to hear about all the successfull duck trips and upland trips i would take after he wasnt physically able to go. it makes me sad that i ca nnot ask his opinoin about this situation, i feel that he would give me good advice, like he always did. But you make some very good points about the corinthians love topic.
last nite my wife has begun acting as if everything is fine. happy, smiling, "how was your day honey" crap. i dont really like it when she tries to "smooth over" the real truth of the matter and just puts this under her skin, once again. this happens everytime we get into a fight, she gets fire mad, and then the next day, after i tell her i cant take this anymore, she acts as if the fight never happened. i am not a big believer of going to sleep mad. but she does, i like to resolve matters before i go to sleep. my grandfather always told me to do this. and to repect you wife and never "disrespect" her. well,
i dont know what to do or how to handle this. i am however takin all my personal $ and putting them into my brothers name for the time being, wheter this works out or not, i want to be safe.
bbj- thanks for those words man, they mean alot, youre not harsh bro, i need ed that, to hear the truth, the brutal truth...
thanks guys,

vitor · Mar 24, 2005

max,

Why dont you try to workout with her, kill 3 birds with one stone. Another theory of mine, is perhaps, you are too giving, and she pushes you around, and deep down she wants to be dominated and told what to do. Some women thrive on the Breakup, makeup, sounds like what you have.

If you get some time, go on a romantic weekend, someplace nice, quiet, romantic, get a bottle of wine or 2, cuddle, look into her eyes, talk, laugh, get that closeness back and mention how you dont want to fight, anymore,

Best of luck brother

feelnfit · Mar 25, 2005

you know this is my second marraige so iam trying not to make the same mistakes i made the first time. first i truly am in luv. with my first marraige i beleive it was because all my friends had gottem married and thats what i should do to. i have ben divorced since 1994 so i took my time finding the right one. this year it will be 4 happy years.
i also decied to express myself more. hey we argue just like everyone else but, i step back and think before i speak. next i try to keep doing what i did before i got married like when we was dating. i take her roses every single week to her job.(she has been off since october becuase of her broken legg) but i still get her some roses. whetehr its one rose or a dozen i still get her some because its what idid when we was dating.
i set aside one day every other week just for me and her. no kids or family!
we can go shopping,to the movies or out to eat but its just us.
and most of all i listen. i listen to see how she truly is. i ask her every day how is your day.
now she does the same for me. she knew i wanted a new dip belt and found out threw my friends which it was and got it for me.
she watch me getting ready for the gym and saw some of my pants was worn out so the next day she went out and bought me 2 new outfits.
i have been talking about getting a hummer -h2 next year (2 yeras at least old) but for a suprise i been looking at a couple older corvetts cause she really wanted one this last time when i got my expedition.
i cannot say if any of this can help you or not but i found out listening is how you learn...

drgoodbody · Mar 28, 2005

Max, I'm really sorry to hear about all the troubles in your still very new marriage. I have to say though that at least you are finding out how compatible you two really are before you have kids. With no kids in the picture things are a lot smoother if you do decide to divorce.

I agree with Sigmund and BBJ - give her a chance, and you make an effort too and see if it can be salvaged. Ask her what would make her happy regarding your behavior. Is it reasonable? Is she? If after you've tried it all and still nothing is working you have to decide to cut bait.

When I was 22 I got married and was divorced by 25 for similar reasons. We no longer were on the same page with regard to our lives and what we wanted. That plus all the day-to-day differences in who she became made it obvious that we weren't meant to be. Anyways, we ended it after many failed attempts to repair it. Five years later I married again to my current wife and life has been terrific ever since (last 7 years). We have 2 wonderful kids and a great marriage. I look back sometimes and everytime I do I know I made the right choice.

You can get through this, be strong and keep the longer term big picture in mind.

DrG

maxsupplements · Mar 28, 2005

we have made some changes

well, over the weekend, we had a serious talk. we went to a nice dinner, came home, and we began to talk about what our personal goals are and goals as a married couople. things went okay. i am realizing she has some really heavy needs that i dont know i can meet, but will definatly try. I also have some needs, but arent as large and drastic as hers. I am a very independant person, and have been self employed since i was 17. This has created me to want to be in charge all the time. and sometimes it leaks into the relationship.
But, not trying to get into all that. we are basically going to try to work on eachothers needs, and then will figure out in 6 months what we need then, and see if we are any happier, I must atleast try someting until it wont work, then i will move on.
Dr.good- thanks man, thats some encouraging words. i respect your opinion and appreciate your concern and thoughts of advice. thanks
feelnfit. thanks for the words of truth, i will try to do things a little differently and compormise some more. and thanks for those ideas!

I have also been praying alot about this situation, and know that this will solve over time.

btmagnus · Mar 29, 2005

Hey im sorry about the situation. I hope that everything works out for you. If you feel in your heart that it is not working after trying everything, then it will be time to move on. Do whatever you feel is the right thing in the end, follow your gut, and follow whichever road leads to happiness in the end.
Good luck.

AsylumBitch · Apr 12, 2005

It really sounds like the two of you are on the right track. Remember to PIC your partner in marriage.

Every marriage needs 3 very important factors to survive - PASSION - INTIMACY - COMMINTMENT.

Passion - An intense physical feeling, sometimes described as chemistry, magic or intoxication. Passion without the other 2 components of intimacy and commitment is not really love, but infatuation.

Intimacy - An emotional aspect that includes sharing personal feelings, thoughts and fears with each other. Intimacy also involves closeness, communication, support and a sense of trust and safety with your partner. Intimacy without passion and commitment is friendship.

Commitment - This is based on one's belief system, code of values, and the way in which one chooses to behave. Although commitment grows more slowly, it can reach the same heights as passion and intimacy. Without the other 2 components, commitment alone is "empty love". Empty love is all that some couples have left after closeness has been lost and passion dies..

May you both PIC great choices. I wish you well.

maxsupplements · May 6, 2005

its elevated to bad now.

well guys, just to keep everyone updated, this relationship has really gone down hill FAST! all the sudden my wife has given up all hope of making it work, back to doing exactly what she wants with no respect as to what i think about or how i feel. Back to going out to bars and shit, not caring about my feelings towards that type of thing. really ruthless. so last nite we got in a fight over her staying out til 2am and not calling me or anyhing the nite before, she got so mad it was like a stick of dynamite going off. she was blood mad and was dropping f-bombs like crazy. shes not like that, never cusses. Ended up with her storming out of the house and not coming home again til 2am, i couldnt take that, she was telling me she hated me and that i am more fucked up in the head than she had thought before, man, that really hurt. really bad. so bad i ended up puking after she told me she was going to move out and she wanted to seperate. well, i dont even know if we should seperate, maybe just cut this shit off at the base right now! Any one have any comfort for me or anything to say about this crazy chick? should i stay or should i go? i did agree with her the seperation would be agood idea, but hse has no where to move to. should i move out? woould that help any? This is really killing me inside, totally gotten me confused and hurt. one positive thing though, my workouts have been INSANE!

101chemistry · May 6, 2005

The problem is that you have stopped being a challenge. From what you describe, you never were a real challenge to begin with, but the fact that you weren't married (and that you most probably are a proud man) held a certain baseline challenge going on in your relationship.

I've got to tell you --- been there, done that. It was a few years ago, didn't get married, but the woman left after a three year relationship. I changed a lot of things in my behaviour towards women, I got her back immediately, and ended the relationship after a short while because my interest just wasn't there anymore.

PM me my friend. If you're ready to work a bit and change your outlook on certain things, I am absolutely sure I can help you get your wife interested in you again, and basically doing anything you damn well please. It won't be easy at first, and you might just end up not wanting a steady relationship ever again --- but as I said, if you want to, I'm here to talk about it.

101chemistry · May 6, 2005

maxsupplements

what I wrote for you apparently exceeds 7k characters. I sent you the first part...2500 characters, but the rest can't be sent because you have your inbox full. delete some messages and give me a message so I can send the rest over.

di8kids · May 6, 2005

I've learned that the only person you can change is yourself

maxsupplements said:
well guys, just to keep everyone updated, this relationship has really gone down hill FAST! all the sudden my wife has given up all hope of making it work, back to doing exactly what she wants with no respect as to what i think about or how i feel. Back to going out to bars and shit, not caring about my feelings towards that type of thing. really ruthless. so last nite we got in a fight over her staying out til 2am and not calling me or anyhing the nite before, she got so mad it was like a stick of dynamite going off. she was blood mad and was dropping f-bombs like crazy. shes not like that, never cusses. Ended up with her storming out of the house and not coming home again til 2am, i couldnt take that, she was telling me she hated me and that i am more fucked up in the head than she had thought before, man, that really hurt. really bad. so bad i ended up puking after she told me she was going to move out and she wanted to seperate. well, i dont even know if we should seperate, maybe just cut this shit off at the base right now! Any one have any comfort for me or anything to say about this crazy chick? should i stay or should i go? i did agree with her the seperation would be agood idea, but hse has no where to move to. should i move out? woould that help any? This is really killing me inside, totally gotten me confused and hurt. one positive thing though, my workouts have been INSANE!

Max,
You cannot change her attitude. The only person you can change is yourself. I've known many a times where I just wanted to quit my relationship with my husband. I would think "this is just too hard." I also know the power of prayer and that God is able to do much more than we can ever think or imagine. God can give you the strength to withstand anything that comes across to you. Pray for her, Love her, ask God what you can do to help her. Maybe nothing accept pray for her now. If you seek an answer from your Heavenly Father, He will give you one. I am praying for you for guidance, and that He also touches her heart.
Sincerely,
Di

maxsupplements · May 11, 2005

well. bad news...

Hate to tell you this guys, but caught her red handed last thursday nite. cheating, well, im not goin to live in this pain and BS for the rest of my life. call me a copeout if you like, but i went and filed for Divorce on Monday. will be having her sign the papers soon. when i told her what was going on, and that i knew, she BLEW up. as if she was going crazy, saying some really scary shit this time. well, scared me enought to leave the house after that fight. then i never heard from her for the whole weekend. well. fuck it. i am done. thanks for everyones kind help and encouragement, but i just cant live like this anymore. it has really taken its toll on me the past few days, lost like 8 lbs. couldnt keep any food down all weekend. the thought of her being with another man just made me sick. you know i could have gone and kicked his ass, but i have toooo much on the line to risk my livelyhood and opportunities to go and waste it on some piece of shit scrawny motherfucker. i would likely get taken to jail and sued for what i would do to him. but the thought of someone else doing it for me... well, we will see what happens! But once again, thanks to all the kind people that helped me as much as they could.

SouthernMuscle · May 12, 2005

well I'm sorry to hear it went down that way, but it's good that you ended it. You sound like a decent guy so you shouldn't have to put up with that kind of shit.