need some advice on self-esteem/sociability

[das-freak]

Hey guys, I am a new member but long time lurker looking for some help.

I am pretty much just venting for the whole thread until the end but if you want to read and help me out that would be great.

My girlfriend of over 2 years broke up with me a few days ago and I don't think I have ever been so devastated. I am 23 and this is the first serious girlfriend that I ever had. It really took a toll on me. She is bipolar, and I really lost focus on what I needed for myself. I was always trying to make her happy, which in the end caused her to push me away, either because she was scared, or just wanted to go a different direction in her life (I hope this was not her bipolar talking...).
I had helped her through a serious bout with depression which took every ounce of energy from me as well (I quit training for about 5 months just to spend more time with her and make sure she was ok) and her life is finally turning around. She moved out from her parents house, got promoted at work and that keeps her working 60 hours a week and she decided she just did not have the energy to deal with me anymore even though we both loved each other so much.
We just got back from travelling south america for a month, just a month ago. We had talked about moving in together at times. Then I moved 2 hours away for school and she was supposed to come visit me every weekend but that never happened as per her job. I kept nudging her to come visit me, and this put pressure on her, making her feel guilty and she just couldn't handle it anymore. I got stuck in this give give give mentality like I needed to take care of her because that was what she needed for so long and now it isn't. It may have been a rocky relationship at times but I was willing to stick it out with her. If I were sick I would not want someone that loved me so much to leave me either...

I think what I have discovered about myself the past couple days is that I need to work on myself. I have a pretty addictive personality and have been using gear since I was 19 pretty much non-stop. I actually got a lot of insight from the "Reality Check" thread from Phil, John Meadows, and Shelby, as far as my health and relationships go which is what brought me here.
I am not going to quit training or using gear, however I am certainly going to take my health more seriously, stop using so much gear and stop putting so much effort into bodybuilding until I have my life in check.
I think it was John Meadows that posted about bodybuilding being a hobby, and your life should not revolve around your hobby, your hobbies should work around your life - or something of the sorts.
There were times where I would be putting myself through hell running anadrol dealing with the headaches and fatigue. All I would do is sleep, train and barely muster up the energy to have a good time with my girlfriend. When I look at it, had I put that effort into our relationship or into myself for that matter and not into gaining a few lbs and feeling like shit to get there, it may have been different...

I got so mixed up focusing on bodybuilding the last month after returning from our trip that I neglected the woman I loved so much which ultimately I think is what caused her to leave me as we were very distant the last month and did not speak much other than me visiting her a few times and text messaging. Had I talked to her more the last month I think this would have been a different story.
She had told me a couple of months ago that I was smothering her and I needed to take care of myself and it is unfortunate it took something like this to finally get the message through to me.
I also have a very intrinsic personality and have realized I focus on bodybuilding too much for my age and my goals. I could go to the bar with her and her friends and if I wasn't drinking I wouldn't say a word to anybody. I have a really hard time socializing because I was grumpy and would rather be in bed so that I can have a good training session the next day.
It sucks to be the awkward dickhead at party that doesn't talk to people they don't know. its obvious what I need to do in that regard but its easier said than done.

Is there advice you guys could give me or any books you would recommend to get out of this stage of low self-esteem and to become more social?

I am not trying to change myself for her so please don't take it that way, I think this really is what I need work on for me. However saying that, if she wanted to get back with me I probably would because I still love her, but only if I am feeling better about myself but I am not planning on perusing her at this point.

thanks guys/gals
das-freak

 

[renewlyf]

Hey guys, I am a new member but long time lurker looking for some help.

I am pretty much just venting for the whole thread until the end but if you want to read and help me out that would be great.

My girlfriend of over 2 years broke up with me a few days ago and I don't think I have ever been so devastated. I am 23 and this is the first serious girlfriend that I ever had. It really took a toll on me. She is bipolar, and I really lost focus on what I needed for myself. I was always trying to make her happy, which in the end caused her to push me away, either because she was scared, or just wanted to go a different direction in her life (I hope this was not her bipolar talking...).
I had helped her through a serious bout with depression which took every ounce of energy from me as well (I quit training for about 5 months just to spend more time with her and make sure she was ok) and her life is finally turning around. She moved out from her parents house, got promoted at work and that keeps her working 60 hours a week and she decided she just did not have the energy to deal with me anymore even though we both loved each other so much.
We just got back from travelling south america for a month, just a month ago. We had talked about moving in together at times. Then I moved 2 hours away for school and she was supposed to come visit me every weekend but that never happened as per her job. I kept nudging her to come visit me, and this put pressure on her, making her feel guilty and she just couldn't handle it anymore. I got stuck in this give give give mentality like I needed to take care of her because that was what she needed for so long and now it isn't. It may have been a rocky relationship at times but I was willing to stick it out with her. If I were sick I would not want someone that loved me so much to leave me either...

I think what I have discovered about myself the past couple days is that I need to work on myself. I have a pretty addictive personality and have been using gear since I was 19 pretty much non-stop. I actually got a lot of insight from the "Reality Check" thread from Phil, John Meadows, and Shelby, as far as my health and relationships go which is what brought me here.
I am not going to quit training or using gear, however I am certainly going to take my health more seriously, stop using so much gear and stop putting so much effort into bodybuilding until I have my life in check.
I think it was John Meadows that posted about bodybuilding being a hobby, and your life should not revolve around your hobby, your hobbies should work around your life - or something of the sorts.
There were times where I would be putting myself through hell running anadrol dealing with the headaches and fatigue. All I would do is sleep, train and barely muster up the energy to have a good time with my girlfriend. When I look at it, had I put that effort into our relationship or into myself for that matter and not into gaining a few lbs and feeling like shit to get there, it may have been different...

I got so mixed up focusing on bodybuilding the last month after returning from our trip that I neglected the woman I loved so much which ultimately I think is what caused her to leave me as we were very distant the last month and did not speak much other than me visiting her a few times and text messaging. Had I talked to her more the last month I think this would have been a different story.
She had told me a couple of months ago that I was smothering her and I needed to take care of myself and it is unfortunate it took something like this to finally get the message through to me.
I also have a very intrinsic personality and have realized I focus on bodybuilding too much for my age and my goals. I could go to the bar with her and her friends and if I wasn't drinking I wouldn't say a word to anybody. I have a really hard time socializing because I was grumpy and would rather be in bed so that I can have a good training session the next day.
It sucks to be the awkward dickhead at party that doesn't talk to people they don't know. its obvious what I need to do in that regard but its easier said than done.

Is there advice you guys could give me or any books you would recommend to get out of this stage of low self-esteem and to become more social?

I am not trying to change myself for her so please don't take it that way, I think this really is what I need work on for me. However saying that, if she wanted to get back with me I probably would because I still love her, but only if I am feeling better about myself but I am not planning on perusing her at this point.

thanks guys/gals
das-freak

Hey Bro
Welcome to Pro Muscle, well at least as a member now!

I will respond in more detail later. I'm at work now and am running out the door.
It seems like you have a decent head on your shoulder and a caring person. Take pride in that!
One thing I'll say. You're 23 yrs old. I know break-ups hurt but this is just one of the many tough lessons you'll look back on an realize what amazing things you learned from it.
I had a similar experience at 21 in college and the break-up I thought at the time was unbearable. She told me I wasn't out going enough and didn't associate with her friends like she wanted me too. Anyway that whole deal really got me looking at myself and got me out of my shell, so to speak.
I'll share how later!
Take Care
Renewlyf

 

[sluggy]

Strong first post, welcome to PM.

I'm sorry to hear of your recent break-up. Relationships are hard, especially with younger girls, and even more so with girls with mental issues (aka the bipolar, depression, etc).

This is my first bit of advice. Try and find a girl that is the least amount of crazy, and then hold on to her. They're all a BIT crazy (as are we, I'd say), but as long as it balances each other out it'll work.

I don't know her at all, or the circumstances. But people who love each other "so much" don't break up so they can work more. We shape our lives around our priorties.

Also given the conincedental timing after the trip.. Have you two gone on long vacations before? I know after 48-72 hours of being with some girlfriends I couldn't stand to see them ever again. A month is a long time to be together 24/7. Did you guys live together at any point for a month or longer?

This is the best part about breaking up, and relationships in general: learning about oneself. I think most of us on here have addictive personalities, as I have been sober now for just under 3 years. That timeline is very similar for how long I have been on or considering gear. Often if it is not one drug it is another that takes its place.

While strength training is my hobby it is also my zen. It is the high point of my day other than seeing my girlfriend. However, I do NEED it. To be calm, to get out my demons, to put in the blood sweat & tears, and to be in my happy place. It is more than just a hobby, it is part of my life.

Taking care of your health is absolutely fundamental. Having started gear so young, you must feel invincible. However, the damage you can cause is tremendous and by the time you find out it can often be too late to repair 100%. This is part of maturity, learning that every action has a reaction. While your muscles may be very happy, your liver may be very unhappy.

From all that you have said it seems that she has been looking to get more "space," and when she finally got it she had no problem letting you go altogether.

You need to find someone that loves you for you, and not someone that you need to try and fix. Someone that loves you smothering them and someone that cares about training or fitness as much as you. There are a LOT of people out there, and rather than trying to change your entire life to cling to one person I suggest you work on improving yourself for the better in general.

There is no reason to be antisocial or grumpy at the bar if you're not drinking. I often accompany friends to the bar, and I have more fun than they do. If you need to go to sleep, stop dragging everyone down and leave! Go home and get to sleep.

I'm not sure why you have low self-esteem? Because you got broken up with? There are always two people in each relationship, it's not just you and it's not just her. It's both of you. You both didn't work out for each other. You need to realize (and it may seem hard at the momemnt) while it was familiar for a long time, it's not the be-all, end-all.

Being confident and social is all in your head. You need to love yourself before you should expect anyone to love you. You don't need to drink in order to be social, just realize that everyone else sucks at least as bad as you do and have fun.

Good luck!

 

[das-freak]

Being confident and social is all in your head. You need to love yourself before you should expect anyone to love you. You don't need to drink in order to be social, just realize that everyone else sucks at least as bad as you do and have fun.

Thanks sluggy, that's good advice.

As far as leaving me for work, she did tell me that pretty much along with a bunch of other stuff. However relationships with someone with bipolar can be quite different in that it is tough to get around all the irrational thinking all the time and tough to know if this is actually the way she feels or if she is going to come back in two weeks and say she wasn't thinking straight.
In some ways for both our sakes I hope she is not going through an episode and that really is how she feels, just for some closure but I may never know...

You need to find someone that loves you for you, and not someone that you need to try and fix. Someone that loves you smothering them and someone that cares about training or fitness as much as you. There are a LOT of people out there, and rather than trying to change your entire life to cling to one person I suggest you work on improving yourself for the better in general

Kinda of funny this is pretty much what she said to me when she was breaking up with me. That I was too good for her and I deserved someone that would put in the same effort. And you're right that is probably just wasn't meant to be.

We were actually great after travelling, there was only 1 day where we just about ripped each others heads off but that I think would happen to anyone spending so much time together non-stop.
What pushed her away in the end was the lack of communication after I moved. I got so caught up in work, school, and getting back to training that I kind of moved her to the back of the bus unknowingly. Definitely have learned some lessons about myself.

As far as being so anti-social I have always been like this since adolescents, I am actually going to get tested for ADHD next week which would actually explain a lot about myself. I also have Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome which I was diagnosed with 2 days ago, which often runs hand in hand with ADHD. Not to make excuses for the way I act but it certainly would help explain a lot.

The low self esteem is why I got into bodybuilding in the first place. I never dated in high school and always thought that being big would get me chicks. Not to mention taking some verbal abuse from my hockey coach for not being strong enough. I always had a skinny fat body with a fairly distended gut that my friends did not hesitate to point out lol. I think there is always this underlying feeling that I am not big enough, not ripped enough, a thought that I am sure goes through a lot of guys minds on this board. I have been trying to impress and please other people vs. doing it for myself.

This whole experience has been eye-opening to say the least.

 

[das-freak]

She told me I wasn't out going enough and didn't associate with her friends like she wanted me too. Anyway that whole deal really got me looking at myself and got me out of my shell, so to speak.
I'll share how later!
Take Care
Renewlyf

That definitely caused some problems

Thanks

 

[Cerberus777]

I know it hurts, but later you just might find her breaking up with you a blessing... I know first hand what it's like to be with someone who is bipolar. You will never make them happy...a lot of things/ feeling they cant control but being with someone ill is a full time job...you didn't marry her so its not your job. and it is a huge blow to your self esteem to always feel you can't do anything right.

Focus on being the type of person you want to be. Force yourself to be more social. Do your best to enjoy life.

 

[das-freak]

Its crazy how people you don't know make you feel so much better. Thanks for the support!

 

[magnus82]

Hey bud, you made a big step by just coming on here and telling your story. You came to a great place for support. I think you will find many of us struggle with situations similar to yours. I love bodybuilding, but if you are not careful, can become very isolating. Try to force yourself to engage with others a couple times a week, like friends, family, or even strangers. Something you normaly would not do or would tend to shy away from. I think you will be surprised at how effective this is as it slowly rebuilds your self esteem. Don't forget, you always got us here at PM to help you along.

 

[das-freak]

Hey Bro
Welcome to Pro Muscle, well at least as a member now!

I will respond in more detail later. I'm at work now and am running out the door.
It seems like you have a decent head on your shoulder and a caring person. Take pride in that!
One thing I'll say. You're 23 yrs old. I know break-ups hurt but this is just one of the many tough lessons you'll look back on an realize what amazing things you learned from it.
I had a similar experience at 21 in college and the break-up I thought at the time was unbearable. She told me I wasn't out going enough and didn't associate with her friends like she wanted me too. Anyway that whole deal really got me looking at myself and got me out of my shell, so to speak.
I'll share how later!
Take Care
Renewlyf

Would love to hear your story bro

 

[renewlyf]

Hey Bro
Welcome to Pro Muscle, well at least as a member now!

I will respond in more detail later. I'm at work now and am running out the door.
It seems like you have a decent head on your shoulder and a caring person. Take pride in that!
One thing I'll say. You're 23 yrs old. I know break-ups hurt but this is just one of the many tough lessons you'll look back on an realize what amazing things you learned from it.
I had a similar experience at 21 in college and the break-up I thought at the time was unbearable. She told me I wasn't out going enough and didn't associate with her friends like she wanted me too. Anyway that whole deal really got me looking at myself and got me out of my shell, so to speak.
I'll share how later!
Take Care
Renewlyf

First off, How are you doing das freak?

I went on a 2 week (maybe longer ) drinking spree, got laid as often as I could and tried not to think about her. Then one morning I woke up and realized what I was doing was self distructive and not accomplishing what I wanted it to. So I decided I was going to show her who I was and who I wasn't.
I started talking to people I perceived as being outgoing and had their shit together to find out what made them tick. The funny thing was I told these guys (I was in a fraternity) that I wanted to be more like them. Almost all of them said they wish they were more like me. Funny how we precieve things diffrently. I saw them as smart, funny and outgoing and they saw me as this confident, muscular, quite guy (very shy and not that confident and a ripped 185lbs ) that always had the hottest girlfriends.
One of the first guys I talked to gave me Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Freinds and Influence People". That started more research into selfhelp authors, Brian Tracy, Zig Ziglar, Tony Robbins, just to name a few. I read and listened to these authors daily. The main thing I learned from all this was the power of positive thinking and attitude (I had always been on the negative side). Then I started getting involved in school activities, school politics, student athletic board. I took leadership classes, public speaking, anything that went against my shy nature. It was very strange at first, I felt like a fish out of water. I just faced the things that I feared and after awhile they weren't so scary.
I view that relationship and breakup as one of the pivotal changing points in my life.
I hope this helps you in some way.

Take Care

 

[Simpllyhuge]

Keep going out and trying to meet new girls. It's hard and it's gonna feel like the end of the world but you will find some one else you like more

 

[TrenSweater]

Its easy to forget about the old girlfriend when you get a new one , life's too short and your too young, go get something better for you

 

[das-freak]

First off, How are you doing das freak?

I went on a 2 week (maybe longer ) drinking spree, got laid as often as I could and tried not to think about her. Then one morning I woke up and realized what I was doing was self distructive and not accomplishing what I wanted it to. So I decided I was going to show her who I was and who I wasn't.
I started talking to people I perceived as being outgoing and had their shit together to find out what made them tick. The funny thing was I told these guys (I was in a fraternity) that I wanted to be more like them. Almost all of them said they wish they were more like me. Funny how we precieve things diffrently. I saw them as smart, funny and outgoing and they saw me as this confident, muscular, quite guy (very shy and not that confident and a ripped 185lbs ) that always had the hottest girlfriends.
One of the first guys I talked to gave me Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Freinds and Influence People". That started more research into selfhelp authors, Brian Tracy, Zig Ziglar, Tony Robbins, just to name a few. I read and listened to these authors daily. The main thing I learned from all this was the power of positive thinking and attitude (I had always been on the negative side). Then I started getting involved in school activities, school politics, student athletic board. I took leadership classes, public speaking, anything that went against my shy nature. It was very strange at first, I felt like a fish out of water. I just faced the things that I feared and after awhile they weren't so scary.
I view that relationship and breakup as one of the pivotal changing points in my life.
I hope this helps you in some way.

Take Care

Actually doing quite well thanks. A huge turn-around from last week I will tell you that. Had the same kind of weekend you mentioned, renewlyf (only a weekend) and realized that kind of behaviour isn't going to get me anywhere (didn't get laid yet but not sure thats what I need anyway I've never been one for sleeping around unless I'm incredibly drunk).
I've also been stuck having negative thinking for quite some time. Oddly enough I have "How to Win Friends and Influence People" at home just never got around to reading it but I will certainly start now.
Now I must start taking care of myself first and foremost, something that I think I neglected for a long time.
It's kind of sad to say but I think I got stuck in thinking that she would give me purpose in life. Without her or without bodybuilding, who am I now? A question I am still exploring but at least I am asking it. In the words of Arnold, "Who do you want to be in life, not what, but who? I have always been sort of a lost dog so-to-speak when it comes to what I wanted to do in life and didn't mind settling it if made someone else happy.
I am already seeing this situation in a new light. This break-up feels like a spark that has make me pull my own head out of my ass and open up to the world. The only thing I can do now is grow, and prove to myself (and perhaps her, alt ought I think she had more fait in my abilities than I did) that I can accomplish anything.
Thanks for sharing, it definitely helps knowing that other's have been in the same boat and it's not the end, only a new beginning. And keep up those daily motivators, do those ever get you going in the morning

 

[Gators]

I think you're on the right track. Working on yourself is the key. Really can't emphasize enough how important a therapist is in the process of learning to love yourself. Being completely honest with the therapist is probably the biggest factor in them being able to help you help yourself. Make sense?

 

[renewlyf]

Actually doing quite well thanks. A huge turn-around from last week I will tell you that. Had the same kind of weekend you mentioned, renewlyf (only a weekend) and realized that kind of behaviour isn't going to get me anywhere (didn't get laid yet but not sure thats what I need anyway I've never been one for sleeping around unless I'm incredibly drunk).
I've also been stuck having negative thinking for quite some time. Oddly enough I have "How to Win Friends and Influence People" at home just never got around to reading it but I will certainly start now.
Now I must start taking care of myself first and foremost, something that I think I neglected for a long time.
It's kind of sad to say but I think I got stuck in thinking that she would give me purpose in life. Without her or without bodybuilding, who am I now? A question I am still exploring but at least I am asking it. In the words of Arnold, "Who do you want to be in life, not what, but who? I have always been sort of a lost dog so-to-speak when it comes to what I wanted to do in life and didn't mind settling it if made someone else happy.
I am already seeing this situation in a new light. This break-up feels like a spark that has make me pull my own head out of my ass and open up to the world. The only thing I can do now is grow, and prove to myself (and perhaps her, alt ought I think she had more fait in my abilities than I did) that I can accomplish anything.
Thanks for sharing, it definitely helps knowing that other's have been in the same boat and it's not the end, only a new beginning. And keep up those daily motivators, do those ever get you going in the morning

Good to hear you're doing better!
I got to thinking last night about what I wrote. I feel like I came accross like all those changes were a piece of cake and easy. It was quite the opposite. But in the end it all was an amazing experience and transformation.

Let me ask a serious question. Are you back in the gym yet??
Even though today it isn't what I am. It definately is part of my balanced life.

I think you're on the right track. Working on yourself is the key. Really can't emphasize enough how important a therapist is in the process of learning to love yourself. Being completely honest with the therapist is probably the biggest factor in them being able to help you help yourself. Make sense?

I forgot to mention that I also saw a school therapist.
You said that you're in school, they should have some resources for therapists.

 

[das-freak]

I think you're on the right track. Working on yourself is the key. Really can't emphasize enough how important a therapist is in the process of learning to love yourself. Being completely honest with the therapist is probably the biggest factor in them being able to help you help yourself. Make sense?

Good to hear you're doing better!
I got to thinking last night about what I wrote. I feel like I came accross like all those changes were a piece of cake and easy. It was quite the opposite. But in the end it all was an amazing experience and transformation.

Let me ask a serious question. Are you back in the gym yet??
Even though today it isn't what I am. It definately is part of my balanced life.



I forgot to mention that I also saw a school therapist.
You said that you're in school, they should have some resources for therapists.

May have come across as a little easy, but totally understand how much of a battle it can/will be. I was in the gym the day it happened but after that i started thinking bodybuilding may not be what i want in life. anyway changed my mind again and was back at it hard yesterday and today, lifting is definately part of me but i think i need to stop making it me. Big difference I am learning...
We do have therapists at the school, which one of the nurses had recommended to me as well. I was a little hesitant but I trust you guys know it will help so I will definitely do that pretty quick here
Thanks again

 

[BigArms77]

I recommend you some good self improvement books - authors Brian Tracy, Napoleon Hill, Dale Carnegie, David Schwartz.
Take care.

 

[shredded21]

I recommend you some good self improvement books - authors Brian Tracy, Napoleon Hill, Dale Carnegie, David Schwartz.
Take care.

Brian Tracy - I have heard him speaking - very good guy.