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Please Help Me! Anybody with a open mind and HPTA knowledge - feeling suicidal

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Zonerbreem

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I'm going to need whoever is reading this to keep a very open mind. I've been ostracized and chewed out by people on other forums strictly from there level of pure "Close-Mindedness" and one person on another forum basically told me that I was stupid and fucked for experimenting on my body with the supplements I took.

Basically my body is extremely sensitive to hormonal medications. I took a natural testosterone booster called "Test-Freak" which simply contains high amounts of fenugreek and got breast swelling the next morning. I told people on bodybuilding.com what happened and guess what only one person said maybe your sensitive while the others said "That is impossible a natural testosterone booster cant do that and it's all in my head". Surely enough - I saw my doctor and he told me you might as well had been injecting yourself with testosterone with the supplement I took. During this time in 2017 - I had no knowledge of PCT and how to control estrogen. Somebody from gnc told me about "Erase Pro Plus" so I took that. The fucked up thing is I started neurotically experimenting with both Test Freak and Erase Pro Plus in pseudo-cycles per se with no set regime or scheduled timing because I didn't feel right and my anxiety was off the roof. During the summer of 2017 - I contacted my bodybuilding friend and told him I have the symptoms of feeling "Shut Down" and how my body became dependent the pills I was taking. He gave me "Nolvadex" "Clomid" and "Arimidex". I tried taking them as my friend told me too in a cycle but something didn't feel right and my testosterone dropped to 219 and my cholesterol skyrocketed at dangerous levels. The nurse who examined me said: "I would highly suggest to stop taking all the supplements I was on" and because of the cholesterol increase I could barely move and get out of my bed.

I noticed Clomid had a effect on restoring my testicular size and had a effect on libido - So that became another drug I experimented with.

Here is where things start to get very fucked up: My testosterone came back to normal range at 530 from the 219 - However, I still had feelings of being shut down. The only way I was able to get erections or have any libido was still by manipulating my body's hormones from the supplements I was taking. I started experimenting again with clomid at very low doses because of the sensitivity and also taking the Test-Freak pills. After carefully trying to experiment with my body - The drugs started to lose there effect. HCG was the last drug I tried and seemed to have a effect and I felt like my balls were being punched the first time I took it but now it literally has NO EFFECT at all.

So here I am at the age of 29 soon to be 30 - with no morning erections - very limp dick - no feelings of testosterone. I can only truly get hard through stimulants and dopamine agonists - Viagra doesn't feel right to me and I personally don't like it - as it has no effect on libido only blood flow. I contacted a clinic in New York City and the people there basically told me that if "Any Doctor" were to see my lab results - they would instantly conceive my feelings and erectile dysfunction as being psychological. However, my thinking was that supplements I took had some neuro-endocrine effect and messed something up within the Hypothalamic Pituitary Testicular Axis - Once again though - my lab results show testosterone in the 500 range but erections and libido are nowhere at where they should be - So I guess it's a loose argument.

I'm currently seeing Dr O'connor through Testosteronology and trying to take HCG and Test. He told me it could take up to 6 months to start noticing effects with erections but I'm bat shit worried about being "Infertile" because of my bodies sensitivity and the HCG has no effect on restoring testicular size for me at this point - which also worries me that it would have any effect on fertility for me. This is all neuro-endocrine issues - something the doctors can't necessarily see through lab results and no doctor bothered to measure my testicles because they had "Preconceived" notions to begin with - so I don't really have any proof of what's going on just my descriptive history and photos I took of the breast swelling in 2017.

I know if SBHG is high that can suppress circulating free testosterone - so that can be issue but I'm afraid my issues are far deeper than that. I really like Dopamine agonist though and they seem to compensate for what I'm lacking in testosterone in terms of libido and orgasms. I'm hoping "Caber" will help and I just have to watch out for low prolactin levels.

I really think in a Darwinistic evolutionary way and the feelings of weakness make me want to kill myself: I'm legitimately contemplating heading to Belguim and legally euthanizing myself there. I don't have that many friends and I'm introverted and the issues with my body and erections just make things worse. The idea of being infertile also bothers me in darwinistic sense because you cant make babies and pass on your genes.

So does anybody have any advice? Any notions on what to do if the hormonal receptors are possibly damaged?
 
Definitely get on stable TRT.

The infertility thing is way overblown. Run your TRT for a few years with or without HCG. When and if you want to procreate in your 30s add HCG/HMG and enclomiphene. You may not even need this. Plenty of guys have knocked their gf/wives up on cycle without HCG. Guys that can’t get their fertility back again after cycling probably were just infertile all along.
 
A Psychiatrist takes into account chemical factors with your treatment. You need to ask your medical doctor ASAP for a referral to a good and understanding one in your area. If an individual is prone to OCD, coming to message boards for advice often only worsens feelings of doom and helplessness.
 
I'm going to need whoever is reading this to keep a very open mind. I've been ostracized and chewed out by people on other forums strictly from there level of pure "Close-Mindedness" and one person on another forum basically told me that I was stupid and fucked for experimenting on my body with the supplements I took.

Basically my body is extremely sensitive to hormonal medications. I took a natural testosterone booster called "Test-Freak" which simply contains high amounts of fenugreek and got breast swelling the next morning. I told people on bodybuilding.com what happened and guess what only one person said maybe your sensitive while the others said "That is impossible a natural testosterone booster cant do that and it's all in my head". Surely enough - I saw my doctor and he told me you might as well had been injecting yourself with testosterone with the supplement I took. During this time in 2017 - I had no knowledge of PCT and how to control estrogen. Somebody from gnc told me about "Erase Pro Plus" so I took that. The fucked up thing is I started neurotically experimenting with both Test Freak and Erase Pro Plus in pseudo-cycles per se with no set regime or scheduled timing because I didn't feel right and my anxiety was off the roof. During the summer of 2017 - I contacted my bodybuilding friend and told him I have the symptoms of feeling "Shut Down" and how my body became dependent the pills I was taking. He gave me "Nolvadex" "Clomid" and "Arimidex". I tried taking them as my friend told me too in a cycle but something didn't feel right and my testosterone dropped to 219 and my cholesterol skyrocketed at dangerous levels. The nurse who examined me said: "I would highly suggest to stop taking all the supplements I was on" and because of the cholesterol increase I could barely move and get out of my bed.

I noticed Clomid had a effect on restoring my testicular size and had a effect on libido - So that became another drug I experimented with.

Here is where things start to get very fucked up: My testosterone came back to normal range at 530 from the 219 - However, I still had feelings of being shut down. The only way I was able to get erections or have any libido was still by manipulating my body's hormones from the supplements I was taking. I started experimenting again with clomid at very low doses because of the sensitivity and also taking the Test-Freak pills. After carefully trying to experiment with my body - The drugs started to lose there effect. HCG was the last drug I tried and seemed to have a effect and I felt like my balls were being punched the first time I took it but now it literally has NO EFFECT at all.

So here I am at the age of 29 soon to be 30 - with no morning erections - very limp dick - no feelings of testosterone. I can only truly get hard through stimulants and dopamine agonists - Viagra doesn't feel right to me and I personally don't like it - as it has no effect on libido only blood flow. I contacted a clinic in New York City and the people there basically told me that if "Any Doctor" were to see my lab results - they would instantly conceive my feelings and erectile dysfunction as being psychological. However, my thinking was that supplements I took had some neuro-endocrine effect and messed something up within the Hypothalamic Pituitary Testicular Axis - Once again though - my lab results show testosterone in the 500 range but erections and libido are nowhere at where they should be - So I guess it's a loose argument.

I'm currently seeing Dr O'connor through Testosteronology and trying to take HCG and Test. He told me it could take up to 6 months to start noticing effects with erections but I'm bat shit worried about being "Infertile" because of my bodies sensitivity and the HCG has no effect on restoring testicular size for me at this point - which also worries me that it would have any effect on fertility for me. This is all neuro-endocrine issues - something the doctors can't necessarily see through lab results and no doctor bothered to measure my testicles because they had "Preconceived" notions to begin with - so I don't really have any proof of what's going on just my descriptive history and photos I took of the breast swelling in 2017.

I know if SBHG is high that can suppress circulating free testosterone - so that can be issue but I'm afraid my issues are far deeper than that. I really like Dopamine agonist though and they seem to compensate for what I'm lacking in testosterone in terms of libido and orgasms. I'm hoping "Caber" will help and I just have to watch out for low prolactin levels.

I really think in a Darwinistic evolutionary way and the feelings of weakness make me want to kill myself: I'm legitimately contemplating heading to Belguim and legally euthanizing myself there. I don't have that many friends and I'm introverted and the issues with my body and erections just make things worse. The idea of being infertile also bothers me in darwinistic sense because you cant make babies and pass on your genes.

So does anybody have any advice? Any notions on what to do if the hormonal receptors are possibly damaged?
Brother...best thing you can do is listen to Dr O'Connor and take his advice since you hired him and you are under the best doctor for this kind of stuff anyhow. Don't worry about infertility because if you do hurt yourself or God forbid..commit suicide..then infertility is going to be the least of your worries.
 
You can go voluntarily to a local crises stabilization unit if the intent of your thoughts get stronger or uncontrollable. Your town might have a mobile crises team that would travel to you….
 
Yeah man just give the Doc 6 months and see how it goes. Don't assume SHBG is high unless you have the labs to show it. Be careful with dopamine agonists if you are feeling unstable, these are strong medications. Also be careful with inhibiting estrogen if you are depressed. I don't think the Fenugreek extract from that short stint would of started all this, it is probably something that was on it's way to happening and this is a coincidence if that is all you have really taken besides the aromatase inhibitors and SERMs. As mentioned above I would let the Hormone Doc be in charge of the hormone side of it for now and look into a psychiatrist to fill in some of the missing pieces. Nothing wrong with seeking help there if you are having these thoughts.
 
You can go voluntarily to a local crises stabilization unit if the intent of your thoughts get stronger or uncontrollable. Your town might have a mobile crises team that would travel to you….
Dont most cities have hotlines you can call too? Maybe I am living in the past. When I was in college I knew a girl that volunteered for a local one. She had been suicidal many times and was able to over come it and recover. I think that made her a real good person to help others since she knew first hand how it feels. Id try to find someone to talk with on the phone at the very least. A clinic would be better.
 
You are unknown to me but ANYONE contemplating suicide should try if they can to talk to someone or as ones said above there are hotlines to call in moments of despair.. You may not see it but Life is precious, It may be a challenge for you right now but this too shall pass...

Blessings,

BIOGENIX
 
Slow down, you can work through this I promise.

What specifically is causing your suicidal thoughts? Is it that you think you are infertile or is it the ED?

Listen, you know something is wrong that is the biggest step to fixing it. The rest we can figure out I promise promise you.
 
You see people. This is the shit that drives me up. Psychological Operation.

Personally, I am not allowed to die, no matter what anyone says.
 
Dont most cities have hotlines you can call too? Maybe I am living in the past. When I was in college I knew a girl that volunteered for a local one. She had been suicidal many times and was able to over come it and recover. I think that made her a real good person to help others since she knew first hand how it feels. Id try to find someone to talk with on the phone at the very least. A clinic would be better.
There’s are National lines. Outside of that it depends on what type of town and state you live in. But CSU’s (crises stabilization units) are common. My town is very busy. Some days there’s not a bed available for the 3 that are in town.
 
Slow down, you can work through this I promise.

What specifically is causing your suicidal thoughts? Is it that you think you are infertile or is it the ED?

Listen, you know something is wrong that is the biggest step to fixing it. The rest we can figure out I promise promise you.
Yes, this please listen to this
 
Thank you everybody for your quick responses! I'm currently part of ACT in my community which stands for Assertive Community Treatment - So I'm getting plenty of psychiatric help and see two psychiatric doctors in this regard.

I'm currently waiting for Dr. O'Connor to get a hold of my psychiatrist so he can hopefully prescribe Dostinex aka Cabergoline as it stimulates the D2 receptor which is responsible for libido and erections in males. It unfortunately is also the site that Anti-psychotics target and can trigger psychosis - which is why I have to wait to get approval. I had to get a shot of Abilify Maintena a year ago like 300-400mg which could have possible made the sexual issues even worse! lol! I know my dopamine levels are still being repressed somehow because every time I take Re-quip for restless leg syndrome the legs wont lock up to stop them from moving.

Armodafinil - a stimulant that acts on dopamine is literally the only thing that has been keeping my libido going and stopping the ED.

My suicidal thoughts stem strongly from ED and the lack of feeling of acceptance from others. Being Introverted sucks and ED just makes it that much worse. I don't plan on killing myself anyway without a doctors supervision - In Belgium - Euthanasia is legal and you just simply write a note saying you want to be euthanized to a doctor and they evaluate your mental suffering.

Even if there is a psychogenic component to the ED from what the blood work says (Even though I personally and strongly disagree) - Stimulating that D2 receptor should stop it.

I know a lot of people discourage manipulating the dopaminergic system because of the side effects and unwanted body movements but I remember taking pre-workouts that had L-tyrosine which converts into L-Dopa in the brain and it made everything awesome! I remember blasting ACE OF SPADES at the gym and headbanging and it was a amazing feeling.

As I get older - Brain synapses don't necessarily fill the void but I know Testosterone and Dopamine play a huge role in a mans ability to get a erection.

I'll go ahead and take everybody's advice and just run test without worrying about infertility. Probably try it for 6 months and than do a semen analysis but my erections don't feel the same as they used to be - something definitely got fucked up in terms of the receptors with my balls - I know I sound like a delusional hypochondriac lol - as matter of fact a lot of you on here probably perceive me that way but I cant think of anything besides the leydig cells being possible desensitized but LH comes back normal in my bloodwork.
 
Thank you everybody for your quick responses! I'm currently part of ACT in my community which stands for Assertive Community Treatment - So I'm getting plenty of psychiatric help and see two psychiatric doctors in this regard.

I'm currently waiting for Dr. O'Connor to get a hold of my psychiatrist so he can hopefully prescribe Dostinex aka Cabergoline as it stimulates the D2 receptor which is responsible for libido and erections in males. It unfortunately is also the site that Anti-psychotics target and can trigger psychosis - which is why I have to wait to get approval. I had to get a shot of Abilify Maintena a year ago like 300-400mg which could have possible made the sexual issues even worse! lol! I know my dopamine levels are still being repressed somehow because every time I take Re-quip for restless leg syndrome the legs wont lock up to stop them from moving.

Armodafinil - a stimulant that acts on dopamine is literally the only thing that has been keeping my libido going and stopping the ED.

My suicidal thoughts stem strongly from ED and the lack of feeling of acceptance from others. Being Introverted sucks and ED just makes it that much worse. I don't plan on killing myself anyway without a doctors supervision - In Belgium - Euthanasia is legal and you just simply write a note saying you want to be euthanized to a doctor and they evaluate your mental suffering.

Even if there is a psychogenic component to the ED from what the blood work says (Even though I personally and strongly disagree) - Stimulating that D2 receptor should stop it.

I know a lot of people discourage manipulating the dopaminergic system because of the side effects and unwanted body movements but I remember taking pre-workouts that had L-tyrosine which converts into L-Dopa in the brain and it made everything awesome! I remember blasting ACE OF SPADES at the gym and headbanging and it was a amazing feeling.

As I get older - Brain synapses don't necessarily fill the void but I know Testosterone and Dopamine play a huge role in a mans ability to get a erection.

I'll go ahead and take everybody's advice and just run test without worrying about infertility. Probably try it for 6 months and than do a semen analysis but my erections don't feel the same as they used to be - something definitely got fucked up in terms of the receptors with my balls - I know I sound like a delusional hypochondriac lol - as matter of fact a lot of you on here probably perceive me that way but I cant think of anything besides the leydig cells being possible desensitized but LH comes back normal in my bloodwork.
Why are you even worried about being able to conceive? Are you married or with a girl that wants to have a baby? If not, don't sweat it at all now. If youre young, it is going to be years before you are even ready to have a child and you need to be in a committed relationship. Many of us have been able to father kids even after running hefty steroid cycles. I myself had two girls after blasting stuff for years, and I was even on decent sized cycles with tren while I conceived them.
 
If I'm understanding correctly, you took only one dose of test freak and had breast swelling the next morning? Why'd you take test freak? How was your energy, sex drive, mental state previously?

Hormonal changes can cause breast swelling and tenderness without things being "out of whack".

You mention your test levels several times, what about your estrogen levels? Estrogen has a larger impact on my sex drive and erections than test does. I've read many accounts of guys going on trt, feeling great for a few months and then feeling like they have low t again. The problem, their estrogen went too high and negated the benefits of testosterone. I have also read of guys who are natural and need an ai to control naturally high estrogen. Although you don't want estrogen too low either. The time your cholesterol was jacked and you couldn't even get out of bed, that was probably from crashing your estrogen with the arimidex. I've crashed my estrogen several times, I've also suffered from restless leg syndrome, was either due to crashed estrogen, thyroid issues from taking t3 with tren, or possible dopamine issues as I was taking prami also.

What all labs have you had done? Other things could be at play, such as your thyroid.

I personally wouldn't take caber but if a dr is prescribing it...I'll have to assume he knows what he's doing. Take some time to read about "daws" though(dopamine agonist withdrawal syndrome). Can be permanent.

If your Dr is using eclia lab tests, don't take biotin, found in plenty of mulit vitamins, proven to skew test results. Recommend lcms tests.

Stay away from bodybuilding.com, most immature guys I've ever come across.
 
I'm going to need whoever is reading this to keep a very open mind. I've been ostracized and chewed out by people on other forums strictly from there level of pure "Close-Mindedness" and one person on another forum basically told me that I was stupid and fucked for experimenting on my body with the supplements I took.

Basically my body is extremely sensitive to hormonal medications. I took a natural testosterone booster called "Test-Freak" which simply contains high amounts of fenugreek and got breast swelling the next morning. I told people on bodybuilding.com what happened and guess what only one person said maybe your sensitive while the others said "That is impossible a natural testosterone booster cant do that and it's all in my head". Surely enough - I saw my doctor and he told me you might as well had been injecting yourself with testosterone with the supplement I took. During this time in 2017 - I had no knowledge of PCT and how to control estrogen. Somebody from gnc told me about "Erase Pro Plus" so I took that. The fucked up thing is I started neurotically experimenting with both Test Freak and Erase Pro Plus in pseudo-cycles per se with no set regime or scheduled timing because I didn't feel right and my anxiety was off the roof. During the summer of 2017 - I contacted my bodybuilding friend and told him I have the symptoms of feeling "Shut Down" and how my body became dependent the pills I was taking. He gave me "Nolvadex" "Clomid" and "Arimidex". I tried taking them as my friend told me too in a cycle but something didn't feel right and my testosterone dropped to 219 and my cholesterol skyrocketed at dangerous levels. The nurse who examined me said: "I would highly suggest to stop taking all the supplements I was on" and because of the cholesterol increase I could barely move and get out of my bed.

I noticed Clomid had a effect on restoring my testicular size and had a effect on libido - So that became another drug I experimented with.

Here is where things start to get very fucked up: My testosterone came back to normal range at 530 from the 219 - However, I still had feelings of being shut down. The only way I was able to get erections or have any libido was still by manipulating my body's hormones from the supplements I was taking. I started experimenting again with clomid at very low doses because of the sensitivity and also taking the Test-Freak pills. After carefully trying to experiment with my body - The drugs started to lose there effect. HCG was the last drug I tried and seemed to have a effect and I felt like my balls were being punched the first time I took it but now it literally has NO EFFECT at all.

So here I am at the age of 29 soon to be 30 - with no morning erections - very limp dick - no feelings of testosterone. I can only truly get hard through stimulants and dopamine agonists - Viagra doesn't feel right to me and I personally don't like it - as it has no effect on libido only blood flow. I contacted a clinic in New York City and the people there basically told me that if "Any Doctor" were to see my lab results - they would instantly conceive my feelings and erectile dysfunction as being psychological. However, my thinking was that supplements I took had some neuro-endocrine effect and messed something up within the Hypothalamic Pituitary Testicular Axis - Once again though - my lab results show testosterone in the 500 range but erections and libido are nowhere at where they should be - So I guess it's a loose argument.

I'm currently seeing Dr O'connor through Testosteronology and trying to take HCG and Test. He told me it could take up to 6 months to start noticing effects with erections but I'm bat shit worried about being "Infertile" because of my bodies sensitivity and the HCG has no effect on restoring testicular size for me at this point - which also worries me that it would have any effect on fertility for me. This is all neuro-endocrine issues - something the doctors can't necessarily see through lab results and no doctor bothered to measure my testicles because they had "Preconceived" notions to begin with - so I don't really have any proof of what's going on just my descriptive history and photos I took of the breast swelling in 2017.

I know if SBHG is high that can suppress circulating free testosterone - so that can be issue but I'm afraid my issues are far deeper than that. I really like Dopamine agonist though and they seem to compensate for what I'm lacking in testosterone in terms of libido and orgasms. I'm hoping "Caber" will help and I just have to watch out for low prolactin levels.

I really think in a Darwinistic evolutionary way and the feelings of weakness make me want to kill myself: I'm legitimately contemplating heading to Belguim and legally euthanizing myself there. I don't have that many friends and I'm introverted and the issues with my body and erections just make things worse. The idea of being infertile also bothers me in darwinistic sense because you cant make babies and pass on your genes.

So does anybody have any advice? Any notions on what to do if the hormonal receptors are possibly damaged?
Definitely don’t give up buddy! You’re still a young guy and got a lot of life ahead of you, one thing in life is nothing’s impossible, keep listening to you’r doctor, and see a counselor you can express all these emotions going on brother they’re there to help you man, and they definitely will keep your head up and think positive things always get better and everything will be fine just gotta give things time
 
Hold on. Did Dr. O’Connor prescribe the TRT. If not, don’t do anything else. It may seem like a good idea to continue to experiment, but you probably need to reset everything. Dopamine and serotonin levels can take a very long time to get back to normal, so you need to give it time and not undermine any of the doctors’ advice.
 
Honestly dude. Your suicidality is likely stemming from deeper psychological concerns regarding three things...thwarted belongingness, perceived burdensomeness, and hopelessness. This intense somatic focus is NOT a substitute for living and remember, thoughts are just thoughts. You've also engaged in making extreme predictions about future based on unbearable pain stemming from the above elements. Take for example you might die at 80y/o. You've literally predicted with 100% certainty the next 32 million minutes or so (adjust for your age). You know that's irrational. I'd be crazy to spend $10,000 today believing I'll win a scratcher lottery in a week.

You've made this type of prediction with shitty evidence. I get it. Acknowledge your pain and begin to obtain psychotherapeutic services...not just chemicals. You can't get a sense of belonging essentially through chemistry and thinking is rarely a good substitute for actual living. A documentary on Africa let's sat is in no way a substitute for actually going there. You are having thoughts...painful, intense, and unbearable to include the related emotions.

I work with acutely suicidal patients and this is common. Join a therapy group, take some Interpersonal risks, and stop avoiding. Your brain is only trying to cope with the unbearable pain and likely sense of being an irredeemable burden which is always based on extremely distorted beliefs. Predict the next 5 stock market changes perfectly and maybe you can predict the next 5 weeks of life.

You are ambivalent about dying and living. That's OK. Suicide is merely the brain trying to cope with intense intrapsychic pain and often times, uncertainty. people deplore uncertainty. Cultivate reasons for living and a new purpose.

Most importantly, you must disclose your suicidality to your psychiatrist and develop a safety or crisis response plan as well as ways to distract yourself should you experience morbid ruminations or actual thoughts of wanting to kill yourself. remove all dangerous or lethal items,, particularly guns. Access hotlness.

Suicidslity is an acute episode of deficit problem solving...you become myopic and will believe "suicide is my only option." But you know, there are a thousand other things to do besides die or kill yourself.

Moreover, suicidality also includes a unique suicide mode in which there's a synchronization of affective, cognitive, and behavioral elements that align and foster the unique beliefs of suicide. There's usually an underlying justification that is sadly FULL of distorted and extreme beliefs.

You also likely feel trapped, possibly depressed, etc. Introverts....you may be more avoiding or socially phobic...which can be treated and be taught to live a fulfilling life.

You obviously want some changes and suicidality is also marked by impulsively and aggressiveness. Become calm, recognize the pain,, recall reasons for living and push away those thought of suicide.

every patient I work with gets better with no relapses provided they follow some basic kinstructions. You want to live and id be willing to bet 10g.

Where are you located? I might be able to help. If appropriate, we can talk.
 
1. Identify what you care most about
2. 3 reasons for living
3. 3 people you can contact in a crisis
4. 3 places you can go NOT involving others
5. 3 activities you can do alone that might be fun or at least a distraction
6. 3 signs you know a crisis is emerging
7. 3 actions in the event of a crisis
1. ER
2. Call family to talk
3. BH wprovider
4. Hotline
 
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