sex drive putting stress on marriage

[doitright]

Thanks guys/gals for listening. Its great to have a place to come to for support. Here is my situation. My wife and I have been together for 10 years. For the first few years she loved sex. She loved spicing things up etc. Well we have two kids now and it seems that the more time passes the worse her lack of libido is getting. The problem is that I want her all the time and self gratification is only a short term fix because mentally I want her. We have sex but when we do its like a chore for her. Before anything gets started she will say something like "this cant be an all night thing" or if I ask her to wear something sexy she will say something like "why do you need that". I don't know what to do anymore. Just this past Saturday I just randomly popped a thought of getting my mom to watch the kids for a few hours that night so we could go out for dinner or whatever. She says no lets go another time. I love my wife very much and let me make it clear that this is not about me being on the verge of cheating or anything like that. The problem is I want her and only her and I can't seem to figure out how to get her back to being interested. I even had her call her gyno a few months ago to see if they could do anything for her and they said no. Can you guys give me any help here? Are there any sups she can take to help her libido. I am starting to think she is just not healthy. She sleeps all the time. She can sleep from 8pm until 10am the next morning and still be tired. I have tried to get her to be physically active by excercising but she goes only a few days and thats the end of that. Please help, I don't know what else to do.

 

[doitright]

she is 32 in case that helps.

 

[gordo14]

I understand.........

I'm in your boat brother. Keep your head up and keep making her feel loved. People change throughout there whole life so you have to grow and learn with them. Maybe she is depressed???? Just talk it through with her. I know i have been dealing with this for a few years, and nothing seems to be helping me. Last night she acted like it was the worst part of the day. She came in shut and locked the door, and just sat on the bed next to me fully clothed staring at the wall. I said screw it and went to bed. If she doesen't want me, then i am not gonna push the issue, but remember there is only so much self gratification that a man can give himself. We as humans need intamacy in our relationships. And I know i am on the verge of ruining a 6+ year relation ship with children involved. Life is sooooo short. Make the best of it. Sorry i'm rambling............

 

[aeliop]

Maybe a Thyroid issue

doitright
I am sure a lot of men can symphathize with you at one time or another. First and foremost you both should make sure she is healthy. If she hasn't done so already I would have her get a checkup with an emphasis on her Thyroid Gland. (I believe that is an Endocronologist) Lets clear up the possible physical issues.

Hopefully some of the females on the board might chime in with there perspective.

 

[doitright]

I'm in your boat brother. Keep your head up and keep making her feel loved. People change throughout there whole life so you have to grow and learn with them. Maybe she is depressed???? Just talk it through with her. I know i have been dealing with this for a few years, and nothing seems to be helping me. Last night she acted like it was the worst part of the day. She came in shut and locked the door, and just sat on the bed next to me fully clothed staring at the wall. I said screw it and went to bed. If she doesen't want me, then i am not gonna push the issue, but remember there is only so much self gratification that a man can give himself. We as humans need intamacy in our relationships. And I know i am on the verge of ruining a 6+ year relation ship with children involved. Life is sooooo short. Make the best of it. Sorry i'm rambling............

man i feel for you. I am like you man...exactly. I dont know what else to do. We are arguing about this issue right now on instant messenger. She just doesnt understand. I would give anything to have her back to the way she was a few years ago. I wish there was something she could take to make her just horny as hell, lol. Oh well man, maybe someone will help us out here with good advice. I sorta think she is just messed up man after having our kids and just stress because our youngest is only a 1 1/2 years old. Maybe its me man. She looks at it as I am 31 and have the drive of a 20 something year old.

 

[doitright]

doitright
I am sure a lot of men can symphathize with you at one time or another. First and foremost you both should make sure she is healthy. If she hasn't done so already I would have her get a checkup with an emphasis on her Thyroid Gland. (I believe that is an Endocronologist) Lets clear up the possible physical issues.

Hopefully some of the females on the board might chime in with there perspective.

Thats what I was thinking man. I just dont think she is healthy. She doesnt eat right, she doesnt excercise. She has no energy and no sex drive.

 

[aeliop]

Get her checked out

Thats what I was thinking man. I just dont think she is healthy. She doesnt eat right, she doesnt excercise. She has no energy and no sex drive.

Have her Thyroid checked, has she put on some weight also? If there are problems they will prescribe T4. That will make her feel much better then you can clean up her diet and getting her excercising.

 

[blackhole2]

I an not say much about your relationship as every couple is different.

In my case we have different libido, schedule and off course if depended on me I'd behave like a rabbit.

1 - sleeping that much is not right she probably has some sort of ailment that should be adressed, adrenals, iron, cortisol, vitamin B, thyroid are some o f the things that come to my head; a healthcare professional can think of much more. Them think like this: if you where completely exhausted would you have much interest in sex???

2 - Is she sexually attracted to you? If the answer is yes the natural question is: why she doesn't act on it?
Yes that is a harsh one but I have seen a few people taht actually love each other but are not sexually attracted to each other and are together for the wrong reasons: kids, property, family pressure, feels easy etc.

In that case if you are not sexually attracted to each other but still love each other it is called friendship.

3 - You are a better man than me - maybe just hornier - as I'd never let her treat me like that with those deal breakers: This is not all night long as I'd just tell her to sleep and would go away to not start 3rd world war. The message there is quite simple: I am doing you a favour and in this case you are married and there is no favour my friend.

Seriously if that type of question came up I'd not be in the mood as I'd be feeling not wanted and thank you

4 - Your wife with that behaviour is giving you permission to think about having sex with other women.
An open relationship or hiring a pro are some
The woman that you married was an fully active sexual person as you still are, she does have the right to not want as much as you do but she is not just depriving you of that but she is making it hell any time that you have it.
Open the game with her (I am not pro cheating) ask her what she believes you should do?
Be happy with your present deal even though this is not you gambled for?

At the end of the day you have not changed, when you git married there was no deal like: in 10 years she doesn't fuck you and you are obliged to be happy.

Yes my advice is not really conventional but that is my opinion.

And well I have had to have one of these conversations and surely it is not easy as trust communication and your own issues raise.

Me sure to let her know that this is not about love, but the physical expression of it and pure animal needs as well.

 

[doitright]

Have her Thyroid checked, has she put on some weight also? If there are problems they will prescribe T4. That will make her feel much better then you can clean up her diet and getting her excercising.

she put on weight from our first child and really never lost it. This whole thing kinda seems mental a bit with her. She says she wants me but she does nothing about it. She makes the excuses as to why not today or why not this or that. Its very frustrating man.

 

[doitright]

I an not say much about your relationship as every couple is different.

In my case we have different libido, schedule and off course if depended on me I'd behave like a rabbit.

1 - sleeping that much is not right she probably has some sort of ailment that should be adressed, adrenals, iron, cortisol, vitamin B, thyroid are some o f the things that come to my head; a healthcare professional can think of much more. Them think like this: if you where completely exhausted would you have much interest in sex??? this is true man which points to an underlying problem.
2 - Is she sexually attracted to you? If the answer is yes the natural question is: why she doesn't act on it? This is a tough one to answer man. She says she is but how do I know for sure. Yes that is a harsh one but I have seen a few people taht actually love each other but are not sexually attracted to each other and are together for the wrong reasons: kids, property, family pressure, feels easy etc.

In that case if you are not sexually attracted to each other but still love each other it is called friendship.

3 - You are a better man than me - maybe just hornier - as I'd never let her treat me like that with those deal breakers: This is not all night long as I'd just tell her to sleep and would go away to not start 3rd world war. The message there is quite simple: I am doing you a favour and in this case you are married and there is no favour my friend. I have started wars like this and I always come up the loser. Hell, no sex, WOO-HOO, she's happy because she doesnt need it. Im the one holding myself in my own hand.
Seriously if that type of question came up I'd not be in the mood as I'd be feeling not wanted and thank you. The anger just makes things worse for me. She knows I want her and she has the power of the pussy!4 - Your wife with that behaviour is giving you permission to think about having sex with other women. She is causing me to want to look anywhere for pleasure. I don't want to cheat and I dont think that would ever happen but I have needs.
An open relationship or hiring a pro are some
The woman that you married was an fully active sexual person as you still are, she does have the right to not want as much as you do but she is not just depriving you of that but she is making it hell any time that you have it.
Open the game with her (I am not pro cheating) ask her what she believes you should do?
Be happy with your present deal even though this is not you gambled for?

At the end of the day you have not changed, when you git married there was no deal like: in 10 years she doesn't fuck you and you are obliged to be happy.

Yes my advice is not really conventional but that is my opinion.

And well I have had to have one of these conversations and surely it is not easy as trust communication and your own issues raise.

Me sure to let her know that this is not about love, but the physical expression of it and pure animal needs as well. She doesnt get that.

 

[blackhole2]

I an not say much about your relationship as every couple is different.

In my case we have different libido, schedule and off course if depended on me I'd behave like a rabbit.

1 - sleeping that much is not right she probably has some sort of ailment that should be adressed, adrenals, iron, cortisol, vitamin B, thyroid are some o f the things that come to my head; a healthcare professional can think of much more. Them think like this: if you where completely exhausted would you have much interest in sex??? this is true man which points to an underlying problem.
Is she acting on her problem, that is killing your marriage?

2 - Is she sexually attracted to you? If the answer is yes the natural question is: why she doesn't act on it? This is a tough one to answer man. She says she is but how do I know for sure. Yes that is a harsh one but I have seen a few people taht actually love each other but are not sexually attracted to each other and are together for the wrong reasons: kids, property, family pressure, feels easy etc.

In that case if you are not sexually attracted to each other but still love each other it is called friendship.


Acts speak louder than words...

3 - You are a better man than me - maybe just hornier - as I'd never let her treat me like that with those deal breakers: This is not all night long as I'd just tell her to sleep and would go away to not start 3rd world war. The message there is quite simple: I am doing you a favour and in this case you are married and there is no favour my friend. I have started wars like this and I always come up the loser. Hell, no sex, WOO-HOO, she's happy because she doesnt need it. Im the one holding myself in my own hand.
Well she will when she starts seeing porn on her bedroom and you are passive instead of creating a war.
no offense but I'd feel terrible having sex with someone that doesn't really want to be with me.



Seriously if that type of question came up I'd not be in the mood as I'd be feeling not wanted and thank you. The anger just makes things worse for me. She knows I want her and she has the power of the pussy!
Power of pussy just exists if you give it to her, women think in a different way. As soon as you tell her that you are not angry just disappointed that your own wife has no interest on you and are saddened that she is content with that situation, remind her that you are not a couple anymore just roommates and stuff like that she will feel worse than you. you can go on and on, reminding her how terrible she makes you feel and even go low saying that you feel less of a man for not arousing her but that is just pure psichological warfare that will not do any good (sorry i was getting carried away )



4 - Your wife with that behaviour is giving you permission to think about having sex with other women. She is causing me to want to look anywhere for pleasure. I don't want to cheat and I dont think that would ever happen but I have needs.
An open relationship or hiring a pro are some
The woman that you married was an fully active sexual person as you still are, she does have the right to not want as much as you do but she is not just depriving you of that but she is making it hell any time that you have it.
Open the game with her (I am not pro cheating) ask her what she believes you should do?
Be happy with your present deal even though this is not you gambled for?

At the end of the day you have not changed, when you git married there was no deal like: in 10 years she doesn't fuck you and you are obliged to be happy.

Yes my advice is not really conventional but that is my opinion.

And well I have had to have one of these conversations and surely it is not easy as trust communication and your own issues raise.

Me sure to let her know that this is not about love, but the physical expression of it and pure animal needs as well. She doesn't get that.

Dude at the end of the day there isn't much that you can do about somebody else behaviour and it is very easy for me to tell you what to do.

Personally I'd try to go trough the communicatoin route that is really hard but is essential for any relationship, let her know what I think ask her what she thinks, ask her what you and her should do and see if her acts would change or not.

At the end of the day if nothing changed MY options would be

1 - shut up and hire a pro
2 - open relationship
3 - good bye!

This is not the woman that you married, this is not what you gambled for, if that happened to me I'd feel cheated and trapped.

And no I'd not let anyone hide behind my children as an excuse as being a husband a father and a man are 3 different things.

I am a prick, but my commitment in life is to be happy in order to bring happiness to other people instead of being miserable and spreading it around.

 

[pesty4077]

I'll put this in bold letters for all you guys to understand" MARRIAGE AND A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS JUST NOT ABOUT SCREWING YOUR WIFE. It goes deeper than that. What would happen if she was handicap and she could not have sex, would you leave her? Every relationship has that certain lust when it first starts and that is why you have sex all the time initially. After that the true love kicks in and commitment begins. Did you not marry this woman through better or worse? I been with my wife 18 years and I appreciate the times we do get intimate. Hey, it might not be every day, but it feels alot better through the years because of the deep love we have for each other. You can not force relationships, they are developed through the years. Also, some of you guys who get a little juice up, and have more test in your bodies, well your wife isn't on the gear! If you want your wife to get intimate, you better romance her through the years. My wife wanted me to add this "WOMAN DO NOT HAVE ON AND OFF SWITCHES" I would take her for a check up, because my wife was sleeping all the time to, due to depression(two brothers past away) After that, be supportive and give her the benefit of doubt and tell her that you love her, no matter what!

 

[blackhole2]

I'll put this in bold letters for all you guys to understand" MARRIAGE AND A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS JUST NOT ABOUT SCREWING YOUR WIFE. It goes deeper than that. What would happen if she was handicap and she could not have sex, would you leave her? Every relationship has that certain lust when it first starts and that is why you have sex all the time initially. After that the true love kicks in and commitment begins. Did you not marry this woman through better or worse? I been with my wife 18 years and I appreciate the times we do get intimate. Hey, it might not be every day, but it feels alot better through the years because of the deep love we have for each other. You can not force relationships, they are developed through the years. Also, some of you guys who get a little juice up, and have more test in your bodies, well your wife isn't on the gear! If you want your wife to get intimate, you better romance her through the years. My wife wanted me to add this "WOMAN DO NOT HAVE ON AND OFF SWITCHES" I would take her for a check up, because my wife was sleeping all the time to, due to depression(two brothers past away) After that, be supportive and give her the benefit of doubt and tell her that you love her, no matter what!

I completely agree specially about the point that after years together intimacy goes deeper.

And I still think that love without sex = friendship

 

[doitright]

I'll put this in bold letters for all you guys to understand" MARRIAGE AND A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS JUST NOT ABOUT SCREWING YOUR WIFE. It goes deeper than that. What would happen if she was handicap and she could not have sex, would you leave her? Every relationship has that certain lust when it first starts and that is why you have sex all the time initially. After that the true love kicks in and commitment begins. Did you not marry this woman through better or worse? I been with my wife 18 years and I appreciate the times we do get intimate. Hey, it might not be every day, but it feels alot better through the years because of the deep love we have for each other. You can not force relationships, they are developed through the years. Also, some of you guys who get a little juice up, and have more test in your bodies, well your wife isn't on the gear! If you want your wife to get intimate, you better romance her through the years. My wife wanted me to add this "WOMAN DO NOT HAVE ON AND OFF SWITCHES" I would take her for a check up, because my wife was sleeping all the time to, due to depression(two brothers past away) After that, be supportive and give her the benefit of doubt and tell her that you love her, no matter what!

thanks Pesty. I understand what you are saying and its true. Maybe its me that has the problem and I am just expecting too much.

I know the side of extreme sex drive comes with the game and I shouldnt expect her to cater to my every need. I guess thats my problem and something I need to deal with.

 

[thebrick]

2 kids bro. How old are they? Are they young? Raising kids is a 24/7 job all by itself. She may be just plain TIRED.

 

[gordo14]

Very valid points.........

I'll put this in bold letters for all you guys to understand" MARRIAGE AND A GOOD RELATIONSHIP IS JUST NOT ABOUT SCREWING YOUR WIFE. It goes deeper than that. What would happen if she was handicap and she could not have sex, would you leave her? Every relationship has that certain lust when it first starts and that is why you have sex all the time initially. After that the true love kicks in and commitment begins. Did you not marry this woman through better or worse? I been with my wife 18 years and I appreciate the times we do get intimate. Hey, it might not be every day, but it feels alot better through the years because of the deep love we have for each other. You can not force relationships, they are developed through the years. Also, some of you guys who get a little juice up, and have more test in your bodies, well your wife isn't on the gear! If you want your wife to get intimate, you better romance her through the years. My wife wanted me to add this "WOMAN DO NOT HAVE ON AND OFF SWITCHES" I would take her for a check up, because my wife was sleeping all the time to, due to depression(two brothers past away) After that, be supportive and give her the benefit of doubt and tell her that you love her, no matter what!

In no way was i ever saying that a healthy relationship is all about sex. When i use the word intimacy, i don't just mean sex. I'm talking about the throw your arms around me and give me a big hug and kiss...well, i guess just because you want to, or you missed me. Or share my bed and covers with me so we can be close. Thats what i meant about a relationship with no intimacy won't work. Sex is just part of the puzzle. I guess my situation is more so affectionetless.... and sexless to an extent. With me there are no random kisses, hugs, or handholding unless i initiate it. And there is no sex unless i initiate it. Its almost like being together is a chore at this point. I would lean towards depression, how her parents acted when she was growing up. I don't the answer, thats while shared my experiance. I need some insight as well.

 

[pesty4077]

In no way was i ever saying that a healthy relationship is all about sex. When i use the word intimacy, i don't just mean sex. I'm talking about the throw your arms around me and give me a big hug and kiss...well, i guess just because you want to, or you missed me. Or share my bed and covers with me so we can be close. Thats what i meant about a relationship with no intimacy won't work. Sex is just part of the puzzle. I guess my situation is more so affectionetless.... and sexless to an extent. With me there are no random kisses, hugs, or handholding unless i initiate it. And there is no sex unless i initiate it. Its almost like being together is a chore at this point. I would lean towards depression, how her parents acted when she was growing up. I don't the answer, thats while shared my experiance. I need some insight as well.

You are right Gordo, your situation is different. By the way, I also initiate alot of the affection. It does have it's rewards, we get along great. I wouldn't look at it as a chore, think more about it like a football game, if you make enough plays, you are probally going to score a touchdown. Woman want to be romanced, and all the time. It took me a long time to get that in my head. I am a very humerous guy, and I do alot of off the wall stuff, to get my wife's attention. A happy wife = A happy life. You guys might have lost some of the spark that you had when you met. Remember, you married her because you loved her. She had that certain quaility that pocessed you. Communication is very important, especially now. Talk to her(rationally), tell her you love her and want to make her happy, and what could you two do to achieve those goals. I hope the best for your relationship.

 

[doitright]

Brick...

2 kids bro. How old are they? Are they young? Raising kids is a 24/7 job all by itself. She may be just plain TIRED.

We have a 5 year old and a 1.5 year old. both boys and yes you are absolutely correct that they are a 24/7 responsibility. My kids are my life and worth every minute.

 

[doitright]

In no way was i ever saying that a healthy relationship is all about sex. When i use the word intimacy, i don't just mean sex. I'm talking about the throw your arms around me and give me a big hug and kiss...well, i guess just because you want to, or you missed me. Or share my bed and covers with me so we can be close. Thats what i meant about a relationship with no intimacy won't work. Sex is just part of the puzzle. I guess my situation is more so affectionetless.... and sexless to an extent. With me there are no random kisses, hugs, or handholding unless i initiate it. And there is no sex unless i initiate it. Its almost like being together is a chore at this point. I would lean towards depression, how her parents acted when she was growing up. I don't the answer, thats while shared my experiance. I need some insight as well.

I think your situation is quite different after all. Pesty kinda got me looking at the situation a little bigger and with more of an open mind.

Good luck to you though.

 

[doitright]

You are right Gordo, your situation is different. By the way, I also initiate alot of the affection. It does have it's rewards, we get along great. I wouldn't look at it as a chore, think more about it like a football game, if you make enough plays, you are probally going to score a touchdown. Woman want to be romanced, and all the time. It took me a long time to get that in my head. I am a very humerous guy, and I do alot of off the wall stuff, to get my wife's attention. A happy wife = A happy life. You guys might have lost some of the spark that you had when you met. Remember, you married her because you loved her. She had that certain quaility that pocessed you. Communication is very important, especially now. Talk to her(rationally), tell her you love her and want to make her happy, and what could you two do to achieve those goals. I hope the best for your relationship.

Pesty,
you are right in many ways my friend. It took me a long time to learn that to get a woman happy in bed is to make her happy out of bed. I am still learning this and have to remind myself of this ever so important fact. Thanks for the uplift man. I knew I could count on you guys for support. I feel better already and actually changed my tone with my wife and took the focus off of my needs and we are actually making headway.