Which woman caused the deepest influence on you?

[Love_to_Bodybuild]

I know this was addressed to Phidias...but once someone you love does horrible things to you, your heart changes forever. I am not saying you can't love again or anything like that, but your heart does grow colder...and way less trusting. That's why they say "there is no love like the first love"...because after that first person breaks your heart, you will guard your heart forever. You can never be like you once were...at least not on this Earth.

I disagree. While it may hurt for a time being, you can always heal yourself. Yes you have to take a risk of getting hurt again, but to experience the highs or life you must risk the lows, if you want to get on that feeling again. Iif you become "cold", cold hearted and don't let anyone in, or even try, I feel sorry for you, and youll come across that way to people. Im not saying dont be tough, tough is fine,, just dont be so hard you dont let anyone in.

Just an injury in the gym, it can take time, but you can get it better.


Who Wants to Be an Oyster?

One final word about preventing and removing emotional hurts. To live creatively, we must be willing to be a little vulnerable. We must be willing to be hurt a little, if necessary, in creative living. A lot of people need a thicker and tougher emotional skin than they have. But they need only a tough emotional hide or epidermis, not a shell. To trust, to love, to open ourselves to emotional communication with other people is to run the risk of being hurt. If we are hurt once, we can do one of two things. We can build a thick protective shell, or scar tissue, to prevent being hurt again, live like an oyster, and not be hurt.

Or we can “turn the other cheek,” remain vulnerable and go on living creatively.

An oyster is never “hurt”. It has a thick shell that protects it from everything. It is isolated. An oyster is secure, but not creative. It cannot “go after” what it wants, it must wait for it to come to it. An oyster knows none of the “hurts” of emotional communication with the environment, but neither can an oyster know the joys.

 

[Mike Arnold]

I disagree. While it may hurt for a time being, you can always heal yourself. Yes you have to take a risk of getting hurt again, but to experience the highs or life you must risk the lows, if you want to get on that feeling again. Iif you become "cold", cold hearted and don't let anyone in, or even try, I feel sorry for you, and youll come across that way to people.

Just an injury in the gym, it can take time, but you can get it better.

If we are hurt once, we can do one of two things. We can build a thick protective shell, or scar tissue, to prevent being hurt again, live like an oyster, and not be hurt.

Or we can “turn the other cheek,” remain vulnerable and go on living creatively.

An oyster is never “hurt”. It has a thick shell that protects it from everything. It is isolated. An oyster is secure, but not creative. It cannot “go after” what it wants, it must wait for it to come to it. An oyster knows none of the “hurts” of emotional communication with the environment, but neither can an oyster know the joys.

Then you've never been there, brother. I have spoken to one too many people to know better...and experienced it myself. If the hurt is bad enough, damage can and will be permanent...and that damage changes you...in many ways...whether you like it or not.

I am not talking about breaking up with your 10th grade girlfriend, but stuff like long term marriages falling part, the death of a child, being a victim of childhood satanic ritual abuse, etc. If you think ANY of those people are ever the same again...that they they just have to "let go and take a risk", then you have no idea what you're talking about. I am not saying that in an assholish' way", but it's just the truth. Some of those people have been hurt so badly--often by the ones they loved and trusted--that they are not even able to function in society. They are permanently mentally and emotionally damaged.

Why don't you go to the psychologists and doctors who treat these people and tell them that they've got it all wrong...because even they can't "fix" these people. Recovery can occur to varying degrees, but only partially.

This doesn't mean these individuals aren't able to show love to others, but they will never be the same again.

...and people aren't oysters.

 

[pesty4077]

Then you've never been there, brother. I have spoken to one too many people to know better...and experienced it myself. If the hurt is bad enough, damage can and will be permanent...and that damage changes you...in many ways...whether you like it or not.

I am not talking about breaking up with your 10th grade girlfriend, but stuff like long term marriages falling part, the death of a child, being a victim of childhood satanic ritual abuse, etc. If you think ANY of those people are ever the same again...that they they just have to "let go and take a risk", then you have no idea what you're talking about. I am not saying that in an assholish' way", but it's just the truth. Some of those people have been hurt so badly--often by the ones they loved and trusted--that they are not even able to function in society. They are permanently mentally and emotionally damaged.

Why don't you go to the psychologists and doctors who treat these people and tell them that they've got it all wrong...because even they can't "fix" these people. Recovery can occur to varying degrees, but only partially.

This doesn't mean these individuals aren't able to show love to others, but they will never be the same again.

...and people aren't oysters.

Sorry, I totally disagree with this. I am speaking from life's experiences too. I can list many things that have happen deep enough to affect people permanently. It is all how you look at life. You can heal any emotion if you have the right attitude and move forward with life. Some can't do that, it does take a strong will and desire, but it can be done.

 

[LK3]

hanging onto hurt n emotions like that is bad news.

i think when you really get past bad things the "hurt" goes away.

you always have the scars or memories of past but old emotions need to be resolved to grow.

much easier said then done.

that is how you rebuild n grow stronger.

 

[Pekkerwood]

No disrespect meant to my mother and older sister who certainly are in a different category altogether, but picking them is too easy.

I will offer my aunt. Best human I have every had the pleasure of meeting. She is sister to my deceased mother. Where do I start? She is the most selfless person I have every met. I can't even imagine her expressing a thought for anything she wants for herself.

She was Valedictorian of her class, as well as homecoming queen. She is the most humble, gracious person. She grew up poor but fed with my mother and her three brothers in a two bedroom shack.

She married her high school boyfriend (also poor) and they became wealthy and politically powerful over time. The most powerful in my small area.

You would never know she had a nickel. Used cars, thrift store purchases, going shopping cause there is a big sale at the Piggly Wiggly on canned goods etc. The only time you can ever see her wealth is in the giving to others.

She has bought people houses. Given them the houses they rented from her. Tithes to the small church. Sunday School teacher. Every single kindergarten through 3 rd grade favorite person for decades.

The conversation was always about you, never her. She always made you feel better about yourself. It is a natural gift.

While she did not work full time most of her life she works more than full time doing favors for others. Taking meals to elderly, taking them to doctors and hair appointments, and grocery shopping. Her and my sister and cousin have cooked for and catered more than ten weddings for people in the church fellowship hall who could never afford what was put on. They are only supposed to "help" but my aunt and sister invariably do all the cooking, buy all the food, create and buy the decorations, and usually end up doing the majority out of pocket. People are always "amazed" at how far their $700 goes unknowing that my aunt and sister chipped in another couple grand on top of their labor. I've been to them. Carved fruit, terrific thoughtful decorations. They have been offered many times to do it for money, but they only do it out of caring.

She does so many things for so many people. They each feel special and get this, "Like they are the only one". If they had any idea how many people she helped they would be ashamed to ask.

Even in her sixties and seventies she will regularly take community kids to the local Amusement park, just like she did for me 45 years ago. She gives until she can't give anymore. She has health issues and spends about zero time on them despite our concerns.

I spent about thirty days with her at the hospital as my mother (her sister) was dying. What an unbelievable honor it was to sit with her in such a tragic situation. While my mother was out of it a great deal of the time, we did have a lot of laughter in that room because of my aunt being there. My brother can make her laugh so hard she pees herself to this day, doing imitations of my uncles (her brothers) who have all now passed.

I saw her deal with the death of her son (my age) when we were in our early twenties. I remember to this day sitting in the church looking at her, and questioning the whole "God has a purpose", "Everything happens for a reason" ethos. I was mad, angry. I felt it was all bullshit if it brought this much pain to this woman. Her? She was graceful through the pain. She believed. It did not shake her faith one bit. As much as my thoughts were that this situation served to discredit faith, she never waivered, and served as an example of the power of faith. I don't know how she would have survived otherwise.

Every Christmas for 50 years, no matter where I am in the world, she makes me a homemade gift of a treat that I enjoy. Every year. Without fail. For at least fifty years.

When this women passes, no church will be big enough for the people who want to show her respect. And you know what? Most of them will be surprised that there are so many there, because she was their "special person".

My mother had a moment of lucidity and perfect clarity with no pain, and even smiles, tears and laughter the day before she died. She was able to talk to all of us at about 4 in the morning. It was as if nothing was wrong with her. She summed up my aunt best:

"I love (aunts name) with all my heart. I have angels. (Aunts Name) was the light of my life and always has been.

She is also the light of my life.

PWood

 

[Mike Arnold]

Sorry, I totally disagree with this. I am speaking from life's experiences too. I can list many things that have happen deep enough to affect people permanently. It is all how you look at life. You can heal any emotion if you have the right attitude and move forward with life. Some can't do that, it does take a strong will and desire, but it can be done.

hanging onto hurt n emotions like that is bad news.

i think when you really get past bad things the "hurt" goes away.

you always have the scars or memories of past but old emotions need to be resolved to grow.

much easier said then done.

that is how you rebuild n grow stronger.

Tell that to those who have lost their children. Sorry, but some damage is permanent. Everyone recovers to varying degrees with time, but they will never be the same again. A certain amount of damage will remain. Just ask someone who has lost a child if they EVER got over it. The answer is no. They are changed forever--significantly--for the rest of their life.

 

[pesty4077]

Tell that to those who have lost their children. Sorry, but some damage is permanent. Everyone recovers to varying degrees with time, but they will never be the same again. A certain amount of damage will remain. Just ask someone who has lost a child if they EVER got over it. The answer is no. They are changed forever--significantly--for the rest of their life.

Back when my son was 9, I was watching him die at the hospital. I was preparing for him to die. Complete kidney failure. I look up at God, made my peace, thanked him for 9 good years of a son and I would have moved on. Guess God knew that day I was a grateful person in life and spared him. He made it, but even if he didn't I would have accepted life and moved on. So, one size does not fit all in life, sorry. I accept things and make the best of life and move forward. It never slows me down from living life. You are talking to a guy who had 3 near death life experiences too, so I am not just talking without experiencing it. I do understand some people will ever get over things, but some do. Some other people have a deep peace in their soul that heals anything. That is rare, but it happens in some. All the things that happen in my life, I should be one bitter person, but I am actually the opposite and enjoy life to the fullest. You can not take some people's tragedies and think everyone will respond the exact same way.

 

[Love_to_Bodybuild]

This has gotten intense!

The right kind of therapy can heal. Theres some studies done on mdma by maps organization phase two trails are being published on firefighters, police officers and war vets. Phase three will begin soon. Mdma was once legal and used by psychologist with people that went through severe trauma. Theres some studies at John hopkins as well on psilocybin as it helps depression and people dealing with cancer. John Hopkins one of the only places who has a psychedelics study department. Im not saying thats the only therapy that works, there's many ways to rid of something that effects us so deep

I grew up in the worst neighborhood, outside Baltimore. I was sexually molested at five years old by a black guy. It took years to overcome in my late twenties and early thirties, it effected me quite bad. I overcame it. There are some other stuff I dont feel comfortable mentioning so ill keep it to myself , but yes stuff that goes very deep, a person can overcome, it may take years. I overcame it though. My ex worked with me to overcome that

 

[Mike Arnold]

Back when my son was 9, I was watching him die at the hospital. I was preparing for him to die. Complete kidney failure. I look up at God, made my peace, thanked him for 9 good years of a son and I would have moved on. Guess God knew that day I was a grateful person in life and spared him. He made it, but even if he didn't I would have accepted life and moved on. So, one size does not fit all in life, sorry. I accept things and make the best of life and move forward. It never slows me down from living life. You are talking to a guy who had 3 near death life experiences too, so I am not just talking without experiencing it. I do understand some people will ever get over things, but some do. Some other people have a deep peace in their soul that heals anything. That is rare, but it happens in some. All the things that happen in my life, I should be one bitter person, but I am actually the opposite and enjoy life to the fullest. You can not take some people's tragedies and think everyone will respond the exact same way.

But your son didn't die (thank God)...so you really don't know how it would have affected you, even if you think you do. Almost losing a child and actually losing one are two completely different things. As bad as it would be to have almost lost one, it pales in comparison to actually losing a child. Furthermore, the manner in which a child is lost can also have a big impact on the individual (having a child raped and murdered vs. a relatively painless, natural death, for example).

On another note, I don't necessarily think were on the same page here....because I agree with a lot of what you've said. I am not saying that the person is never able to enjoy life again or that they have to carry unresolved anger and resentment for the rest of their lives. I just don't agree that all hurts can be completely recovered from, so that it is like it never happened. Some degree of damage will remain...at least on this Earth. The evidence of this is everywhere.

Someone in my family lost a child...and attended support groups for those in the same situation. I went to several of them and met many people. There were people there who had just lost a child and there were those who lost a child 20+ years ago....and everyone of them had something in common. They "all" said that they NEVER fully got over it...that there was ALWAYS an internal sadness that never went away...and that they were NEVER the same again.

Of course, the people who had lost a child 20+ years ago all said that the intensity of these emotions and the impact they had on their life diminished over time, but they never fully went away and they never "got over it". They all said that when someone loses a child a part of them dies. I agree.

There are plenty of other things that can happen to someone that can cause lifelong damage as well. Damage can be interpreted in many different ways. In this instance I define damage as any type of permanent mental or emotional change that occurs as a result of the trauma experienced by the individual. Nowhere in the Bible (I bring up the Bible since God was interjected into the conversation and I know you are a christian) does it say God will remove our pain and suffering on this Earth. In fact, he guarantees we will experience it. His promise to "wipe away every tear..." only applies to the next life. Nowhere else does he make such a promise. Of course, as a christian I believe God can and does heal hurts in the here and now, but the more severe kinds of damage leave their mark on the person's heart and mind for life.

If you still disagree...and you think God will completely heal all hurts right here and now...or that we can completely recover from all hurts by applying biblical principles with a positive attitude...then I guess we can just agree to disagree.

 

[SRhealth-Rachel]

so Rachel met her Mr.R yet?

I will

 

[Mike Arnold]

This has gotten intense!

The right kind of therapy can heal. Theres some studies done on mdma by maps organization phase two trails are being published on firefighters, police officers and war vets. Phase three will begin soon. Mdma was once legal and used by psychologist with people that went through severe trauma. Theres some studies at John hopkins as well on psilocybin as it helps depression and people dealing with cancer. John Hopkins one of the only places who has a psychedelics study department. Im not saying thats the only therapy that works, there's many ways to rid of something that effects us so deep

I grew up in the worst neighborhood, outside Baltimore. I was sexually molested at five years old by a black guy. It took years to overcome in my late twenties and early thirties, it effected me quite bad. I overcame it. There are some other stuff I dont feel comfortable mentioning so ill keep it to myself , but yes stuff that goes very deep, a person can overcome, it may take years. I overcame it though. My ex worked with me to overcome that

Sorry to hear about all that, but I think we are going in a different direction now. What exactly is the question anymore? Is it "can we overcome severe hurts?". Is it "do some hurts leave lifelong damage?" Is it "are we still able to live a happy, productive life afterward?"

All these things and more have been thrown out there, as if they are all part of the same debate, yet they all mean different things and can all be interpreted differently by different people. I would answer yes to all three questions, but like I said...this subject has gotten way too broad. In order to continue we would need to reel things in and clearly define what we are even talking about--what is the question and how is it defined?

 

[19incharms]

The kids who picked on me in school first; now I just want to look good for my wife.

 

[jyearsleyisaphelon]

My mom no doubt [emoji4]


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[johnjuanb1]

Back when my son was 9, I was watching him die at the hospital. I was preparing for him to die. Complete kidney failure. I look up at God, made my peace, thanked him for 9 good years of a son and I would have moved on. Guess God knew that day I was a grateful person in life and spared him. He made it, but even if he didn't I would have accepted life and moved on. So, one size does not fit all in life, sorry. I accept things and make the best of life and move forward. It never slows me down from living life. You are talking to a guy who had 3 near death life experiences too, so I am not just talking without experiencing it. I do understand some people will ever get over things, but some do. Some other people have a deep peace in their soul that heals anything. That is rare, but it happens in some. All the things that happen in my life, I should be one bitter person, but I am actually the opposite and enjoy life to the fullest. You can not take some people's tragedies and think everyone will respond the exact same way.

Pesty, I'm obsessed with NDE's as a way to come to peace with loss in my life. I know this is very personal, so don't feel you have to answer. What did you experience in your NDE's?

 

[alvinstrong]

my mon undoubtedly

 

[SRhealth-Rachel]

Back when my son was 9, I was watching him die at the hospital. I was preparing for him to die. Complete kidney failure. I look up at God, made my peace, thanked him for 9 good years of a son and I would have moved on. Guess God knew that day I was a grateful person in life and spared him. He made it, but even if he didn't I would have accepted life and moved on. So, one size does not fit all in life, sorry. I accept things and make the best of life and move forward. It never slows me down from living life. You are talking to a guy who had 3 near death life experiences too, so I am not just talking without experiencing it. I do understand some people will ever get over things, but some do. Some other people have a deep peace in their soul that heals anything. That is rare, but it happens in some. All the things that happen in my life, I should be one bitter person, but I am actually the opposite and enjoy life to the fullest. You can not take some people's tragedies and think everyone will respond the exact same way.

thanks for your sharing, it inspires me so much :lightbulb:

 

[pesty4077]

Pesty, I'm obsessed with NDE's as a way to come to peace with loss in my life. I know this is very personal, so don't feel you have to answer. What did you experience in your NDE's?

The worse one was in 1997 was I was 37. I came down with a bad virus or flu. There was a strain going around that was killing lots of people that year. I was getting so bad laying in bed, I asked to be taken to emergency by Ambulance. I knew I was dying. I had fluid around my heart and lungs so bad it almost suffocated my heart. I had sharp pains in my heart. I had temperature around 105, I felt I was burning alive. My blood pressure was dangerously low and my organs were beginning to shut down. I arrive at the hospital and they started packing me with ice. Put me on oxygen to breath. I felt I was gasping for breath. Trust me, you will value air more than you ever know when you can't breath. I was in the SICU, they were telling me they have to put a long needle in my back to drain the fluid.

Why am I telling you all this? My kids were toddlers and I thought I was going to die without seeing them grow. They told me I should have died, but at the moment I felt stronger spiritual. I decided that if I live, I would have a new focus on life and live my life to the best of my ability. Trust me when I tell you, I never felt that sick in my life. I was so sick, you don't care if you live or die. You just want the pain gone. I decided to fight and choose life. I took about 6 total months to recover, but I did. Now when someone tells me I can't get through things, they don't speak for me. I have more appreciation for life then the normal person. I can get through things better than the average person.

I accept things for what they are, learn and try to move forward in the right direction. I learn to let things go. I am a very positive person and enjoy life. One of my bucket lists after that was to travel Europe, which I did. The next is to have my Harley over there and tour Europe. One of my favorite says is from Shawshank Redemption " Get busy living, or get busy dying" It is up to you to live you life out to the fullest and enjoy it and learn from your mistakes.

 

[chainheart]

way to go pesty4077. inspirational.

 

[Ehren]

My mom and sisters. They're all on different paths, but all have specific wisdom to share in their different areas of life.

And every woman I ever dated, the good and the bad. Lots and lots of lessons if you're conscious.

*Be yourself, you can only fake it for so long. If they don't like how you really are, they'll just go, or you will, after much wasted time. Get it done early.
*Don't lie. Be honest and you can do about anything you want.
*Put respect first and expect it in the day to day. But not in the bedroom.
*Don't spoil the ones who are already spoiled, they won't notice.
*Don't take strippers and porn actresses seriously. LOL. There may be exceptions, but I never met those ones.

 

[johnjuanb1]

The worse one was in 1997 was I was 37. I came down with a bad virus or flu. There was a strain going around that was killing lots of people that year. I was getting so bad laying in bed, I asked to be taken to emergency by Ambulance. I knew I was dying. I had fluid around my heart and lungs so bad it almost suffocated my heart. I had sharp pains in my heart. I had temperature around 105, I felt I was burning alive. My blood pressure was dangerously low and my organs were beginning to shut down. I arrive at the hospital and they started packing me with ice. Put me on oxygen to breath. I felt I was gasping for breath. Trust me, you will value air more than you ever know when you can't breath. I was in the SICU, they were telling me they have to put a long needle in my back to drain the fluid.

Why am I telling you all this? My kids were toddlers and I thought I was going to die without seeing them grow. They told me I should have died, but at the moment I felt stronger spiritual. I decided that if I live, I would have a new focus on life and live my life to the best of my ability. Trust me when I tell you, I never felt that sick in my life. I was so sick, you don't care if you live or die. You just want the pain gone. I decided to fight and choose life. I took about 6 total months to recover, but I did. Now when someone tells me I can't get through things, they don't speak for me. I have more appreciation for life then the normal person. I can get through things better than the average person.

I accept things for what they are, learn and try to move forward in the right direction. I learn to let things go. I am a very positive person and enjoy life. One of my bucket lists after that was to travel Europe, which I did. The next is to have my Harley over there and tour Europe. One of my favorite says is from Shawshank Redemption " Get busy living, or get busy dying" It is up to you to live you life out to the fullest and enjoy it and learn from your mistakes.

Thank you for sharing! That sounds like hell to go through. I'm glad you made it through.