I need someone to just read and council as to what they see

[SpankyDXM]

Hello , I am a 28 year old white male from America,a bit overweight and I am at a point of confusion about everything.

I attended schools here in the US and was at the top 20% in the state. I graduated with a 3.74 GPA ,scored a 1460 on my SAT test but right upon graduation I got a girl pregnant and we was in a real rocky relationship. She did me real wrong during the whole time we was together but she really affected my emotions. I feel and know I have a solid centerblock wall with rebar built to protect myself from future attacks.

Well I decided to be a man and skip college because I knew the hussie would bring me to court and go for child support. It was the worst but best move I could have taken . I had no financial backer for me to be able to goto college and pay child support. So I followed my fathers footsteps and I became a carpenter.And now we are partners and doing ok in life financially but 25 an hour is also limited funds so to speak .

Since my ex and I split ,I noticed I went from nice guy to an asshole...full time... I can never get ahead in life and she consistantly holds me down "in my eyes" and thats truely what I feel... it has been over 10 years and I still feel this way and nothing has changed with my emotional blockade and I feel like somethings got to give. Just FYI I am not on anything -drugs or AAS,Research chems ,or any GH's of any sort . I do not go anywhere in public more than what I have to , I do not have many friends because I dont trust people with knowing anything about me because IMO thats the people who get you busted or can get you incriminated in things you have no idea about. Been there done that . My best friend set me up with 100 exstacy tabs and called the police to get me busted but I had already dropped them off to someone else before the police caught up to me...thank god..I only got charged with criminal mischief instead of 100 counts of manslaughter .

Ok with all this being said heres the more indepth insight. I had another child with the crazy one and I had another one with a girl from Mardi Gras in 2000. I was still in contact with this one and I moved her here from alabama about 4 years ago with my son with her. Are you ready for this? I do not like my own children and I distance myself from them to sheild them from my ways. I feel there a burden ,an accident, a mistake that could have been corrected but I was stupid at the time. But I do pay Child support religiously. At least that helps. I just dont know what to think anymore...I need an outsider to help explain or atleast give me an outside response..

One more thing...the only time I felt like a normal person again and was able to feel free of this burden was when I was on exstacy...I would only take a half at a time and it would set me free emotionally for about half of the day.

If you leave a negative reply thats fine...you can kick me when I am down...it might be the only time you will be able to kick me...lol

For all the other replies thanks...

 

[Frank-Oh]

I think you're depressed and run down, and a little horny. You didn't get what you originally wanted out of life, you made some fucked up calls. Swallow the pill already, no sense in letting it linger in your throat. Get passed it.

I got my wife pregnant our senior year, when we told her parents the first thing they said was "you're getting married right?"...this day we also celebrated our second month together. We were married by our 6 month together, and the start of her second tri-mester. I remember the moment, the night before the wedding...I realized my life has forever changed and I will never be the happy-roll it off my back guy i was known for. I've been through some shit, and good friends saw me overcome a lot of crap. I haven't talked to any of them since I dropped out a little before the wedding. I turned into a different person, and over the last 9 years I've been evolving into an even less happy person. I have my own shit to deal with, but I don't think at my worst I've looked down on my kids.

My kids are my sanity, their innocence is the most beautiful thing ive ever seen. You should appreciate them, this way they can appreciate you. Don't run from your life man, don't bury yourself in a hole. 10 years from now, you will be looking back at nothing. Suddenly realizing what is important and you have nobody to share it with. I look forward to spending time with my daughters in their teen years, and afterwards.

Let go of her, neither of your baby mommas should be controlling your life - I KNOW IT'S HARD. Easier said than done for me too. It's not your kids fault you guys were jacked up on x and couldnt put a condom on.. Man up bro.. Being a man and a father ain't got shit to do with $.

You only got to worry about Ouch kicking you, this ain't rehab. Been there done that, and I even bought a t-shirt. Drugs don't help..

How does Grandpa feel? Or are you emotions private? Nobody can tell? How do your baby-mommas treat the kids?

 

[SpankyDXM]

Grandpa stepped in to give them the attention they need knowing that I have emotionally been shutdown. I do however see them every weekend or nearly every weekend .

My emotions are far from private... I kind of wear them on my sleeve.. I am the guy who you see and say wtf is he mad at? but attempt to ask no questions..

As far as the Babys momma...lets just say she isnt at all a perfect role model...when she was with me she worked and lived pretty much drug free and when we split she nose dived hard...oxys meth methadone , busted 2x for distribution, 3 months rehab,12 months outpatient...

 

[Jerkyboy]

SPANKY-

I hear what you're saying and it makes perfect sense. I've actually been there and done that if u know what I mean (minus the child of course). Been thru a loooot of shit! so let me give my professional opinion:


Having a partner who talks down to you, degrades you, minimizes you, pretty much does everything in their power to make you feel small, sooner or later wreaks havoc on your insides. Over time you're either going to act the way she says you are acting (out of spite), or put walls up so high and so thick nobody can get thru. [As in your situation] Not even your friends or family who should ALWAYS be able to get through can get through.

First I want to say this is NORMAL. It happened to me, it happens to hundreds of thousands of others as well.

As you've probably already figured out, your mind is trying to protect your heart and body from being hurt anymore. Its a protective defense, we all have it - it kicks in based upon each persons individual upbringing, family values, early and midlife experiences - whether positive or negative, etc.

What helps most to get thru what you're going thru is just time. Plane old "tick-tock-tick-tock" time, minute by minute, hour after hour, day by day... You know what they say "Time heals all wounds". Although I dont agree with this totally, its stands the test of time (excuse my pun) most of the time.

Now the third thing I'd like to mention about your problem, excuse me, situation, is that you have to be able to see the problem and admit to the problem, before u can fix the problem, err situation. Which you have already done, so CONGRATULATIONS on that! seriously. Most people do not see their own , ahem ,situation, no matter how many people tell them something is wrong.

Besides anger, hate, and resentment, you're probably also suffering from depression, loneliness (even though you have chosen this <shutting off the rest of the world I mean> and think you're better off by yourself), and gloominess. You know, gloominess, like no matter what you do you are in a grey cloud of crap 24/7; you're never happy. Well, you might be a little happy, but nothing like the happiness before your partner treated u like crap and changed you.

Dont worry, there is hope!

JB

PS. your quote below is exactly like myself! I have too many emotions or at least show them more than a "real man" is suppose to. Trust too easy, fall in love too easy, get hurt too easy... And I have also been a pissed off mother F-er for years, seriously, YEARS! The last thing I wanted was any jerk off or bitch (excuse me ladies, no offense meant to my loving + respectful sisters here) to look at me, talk to me, or be around me. Didnt care how hot they were or how fast they wanted to give me sex or anything else for that matter! Did everything I could to stay in and shut myself away from society as much as possible. Literally HATED THE WORLD.

My emotions are far from private... I kind of wear them on my sleeve.. I am the guy who you see and say wtf is he mad at? but attempt to ask no questions..

*** I'll be back soon to add more to this, its kinda late right now so I need to take a break and get some sleep. You have my word I will be back here to share some more information with you I promise. To hopefully help you get over this and thru this. It wont happen overnite, but since you've already admitted there is a problem, you've taken the first step towards fixing it.