need advice about dealing w/ in-laws

[swervedriver]

Ok, so I have been married for 8 years, and have a 4 year old son. I love my wife very much, but I literally cannot stand her family. She is very close to her family which poses major issues for the both of us. Basically it is the only thing we ever fight about.

Anyway, her father is an alcoholic, and turns into a complete jerk when he has been drinking. Her mother is the polar opposite, and basically is in church every day the doors open. She has a sister, who is married to a golf pro at the local country club.. Basically runs around on her constantly, but puts on a damn good front..

Now, her father and I have gotten into it a few times over the years because he is very obnoxious when he drinks. Liquid courage.. Even though I told my wife the last time he and I got into it, I would never go back, she always seems to coax me into going back..

Every holiday is a disaster because I am completely uncomfortable due to the fact that I am waiting for her dad to say or do something to piss me off.. Plus, her sister's husband is a complete tool, who snows everyone into thinking he's the greatest thing since the wheel, when I know for a fact he is cheating on his wife all of the time...

I just finished my second year of law school, and this asswipe treats me like shit.. While he kisses the golfer's ass... I take good care of my wife and son, and work my ass off everyday so that I can provide them with a better life..

Anyway, fast forward until yesterday.. Once again, i am convinced by my wife to go to their house for my son's bday party. So while we are there, her dad makes the comment to my wife that she needs to take out a good life insurance policy out on me because she needs to make sure she cashes in if i die.. I'm like WTF!! So i confront the prick and asked him what the hell he meant by that.. He said exactly what he said.. Basically, I tell the bastard to get f'ed, and I get my son and wife and leave.

My wife gives me shit the entire drive home. Telling me that I overreacted to the situation and that I know how he is... And that I should apologize for the way i acted..

So here is my problem, I do not feel like I owe anyone an apology, and I am honestly to the point that I do not EVER want to go back to their house or see them ever again... The double standard with the sister's husband just tops it off.. My question is, am I wrong for feeling this way?? Anyone have any suggestions as to how to handle the situation... Any advice would be greatly appreciated..

 

[J4CKT]

My 2c..

I dunno if this is the correct advice or not but i would have had the exact same reaction short of cracking him one.. i dont blame you one bit for feeling the way you do..

This would be my last straw for visiting the in-laws aswell. I would not want to go back either.

People rarely change their ways and attitudes and her father in law will keep carrying on the same way until the end of his days unless something happens that truly opens his eyes to the fact that he is contantly out of line with you.

Until then i would simply tell my (your) wife that you have given her family more then enough chances to get along peacefully, especially if every argument that has occurred has not been incited by you and that you fully respect and understand that she wants to spend time with them but it will be without you.

Just my take on things, hope it helps.

 

[swervedriver]

Thanks alot for the input! Yeah I have pretty much come to the conclusion that her family and I cannot coexist. I mean I love my wife and I want her to be happy, but if every time I am around her family (mainly her dad) there is an argument how can this be positive...

Plus it puts her in a bad situation because its like she is having to choose sides, which is not fair to her... If I thought it would change I would be more than willing to go back, but I agree I do not think her dad will change his attitude toward me... Therefore, I don't feel it necessary to keep forcing the situation for the sake of me going with her to her family's house..

Lastly, the fact that her dad treats me like crap while kissing the golfer's ass, who is constantly cheating on his daughter just tops it off for me.. I don't think I can take it anymore..

Again, thanks for the advice.. Any further insight or advice anyone could give would be greatly appreciated!

 

[Tom]

input

i would hope that your wife could open her eyes and see what is happening here. she should make you her priority and her family comes second. she needs to put her old man in his place and back you 100%. once she married you, you became her main priority and she should never put you in a position where you feel you have to choose between your and her happiness as a couple and her dysfunctional alcoholic father.

 

[swervedriver]

Thanks Tom.. Yeah I have basically put everything into my family (my wife and son).. But sometimes I feel like she is not doing that.. On the way home the other day, she tried to make me feel horrible for confronting her father about what he had said... However, this time I refused to take responsibility for what happened because I feel that she is only worried about his and her family's feelings and not mine..

 

[Tom]

difficult

swerve,
it is difficult but i also had to make a choice when i was married. my mom is kind of a know-it-all but i love her dearly. one time she got on my wife's case about an issue that should not have been her concern. i backed my wife and told my mom she had to back off and stop trying to control our lives. it's not always easy but it was the right thing to do. i know your situation is different but the concept is the same. your wife should visit her parents without you from now and make it very clear to them that you won't be coming until you are treated properly and with the respect you desreve. it ain't rocket science......it's just that simple. i wish you good luck in this and hope there is no strain on your relationship.

 

[aeliop]

Take the high road

I know it's not easy but sometimes you have to take the high road. Is your wife important enough to you that you can thicken your skin a little. For better or worse those are her parents. It may not seem like it but she is not chosing them over you, if anything the two sides have put her in an awkward situation. You can be the better man here and rise above the crap. Think about it, why do you care that they like the other son in law more then you or an alcoholic doesn't respect you. Deep down your father in law knows he is shitty and he probably knows the other son in law is shitty but misery loves company. You are probably a fit, good looking guy with a lot on the ball.

There is probably an inferioty complex and some envie. You dropping to his level and telling him to get F..ed levels the playing field, creates stress in your marriage, and puts your wife between a rock and a hard place. Turn the other cheek, reassure your wife that you married her and her family as well. At family functions be on your best behaivor, let your father in law be an asshole by himself. Eventually you will wear him out and either he will change or find someone else to pick on. If he doesn't, well your wife might get a better insight as to what is really going on without you and her's fighting clouding her judgement. You are the better man act like it.

 

[marilyn]

hummm....

I am going to have to side with you on this...........it sounds like you are not the one to start things and have tried by continuing to go to family events, eventhough you get treated badly...........

Well, I problably wouldnt go as far as to use curse words and stoop totally on his level, but you need to be respected, and she does need to take your side on this one, and that's it.....

If you are the victim, then it should be understood why you wont attend the functions anymore.

Just because someone is drinking doesnt give them excuses, or rights to abuse anyone, or behave like an ass.

 

[jdavid1139]

Women need love, like Men need respect, and you need to put it to her like this... If you were at your parents house and comments were made to the degree that they were made to you, would she feel the same... If my father-in-law said something to that degree there would be major problems. But regardless you should feel support from your wife of 8 years and you have made babies with. It might be a stalemate, but this is a big point to prove. I would play hardball on this one. Do not budge... You owe no one an apology, unless you got out of hand ( you were vague on the issue of how you left), but either way, if you apologize to this guy, you're in his pocket, and that's where you don't want to be...