Need some advice on my stepson

[babyface4life]

Haha, yeah, not as effective as I would hope for. For you or me, sure that worked when we were kids. I know when I was a kid and we fucked around, Dad would come home and give us a good ass beating. It seemed to do the trick....you don't want to many of those and it would make you think twice before you did something stupid. This kid....he's scared shitless of the consequences right before he realizes that he is about to pay the price for what he's just done. However, he has no impulse control. I am convinced that the thought that there could be consequences for his actions simply does not enter his mind at all when he is pulling his stupid stunts and misbehaving. I just don't get it....he obviously has some mental deficiencies, but he is going to have to get over them. You cannot be a productive member of society when you're going through life like this.

Keep in mind , some people as adults never become productive members of society no matter what . I'm speaking from experience . Sometimes you work hard , do everything you can to bring up a kid with good moral and responsibilities and wonder where you went wrong .

I , myself , had learning disabilities and some behavior problems in school and was placed in special classes from junior high throughout high school and graduated with a special diploma .

I was able to enlist in 2 branches of the military and never accompliced anything I can be proud of other then a good conduct medal for staying out of trouble . If your girls kid has mental defeciencies like you say they may or may not get better in adulthood , and as parants we have to accept this .

I can certainly understand your frustration , but the kid didn't choose to have these problems and you can only hope the outcome you seek will turn out for the best with counseling , meds , possibly a special school to send the kid to .

 

[RBB]

Keep in mind , some people as adults never become productive members of society no matter what . I'm speaking from experience . Sometimes you work hard , do everything you can to bring up a kid with good moral and responsibilities and wonder where you went wrong .

I , myself , had learning disabilities and some behavior problems in school and was placed in special classes from junior high throughout high school and graduated with a special diploma .

I was able to enlist in 2 branches of the military and never accompliced anything I can be proud of other then a good conduct medal for staying out of trouble . If your girls kid has mental defeciencies like you say they may or may not get better in adulthood , and as parants we have to accept this .

I can certainly understand your frustration , but the kid didn't choose to have these problems and you can only hope the outcome you seek will turn out for the best with counseling , meds , possibly a special school to send the kid to .

I would say that serving your country is a lot to be proud of, babyface. You're being way too hard on yourself, bro. You're right, some people just don't get it and never amount to anything, but I would hate to see that happen here, as it would truly crush my soon to be wife. I know that one of the most important things for a mother to accomplish is to see their kids grow up to be successful. The learning disabilities I am okay with, I realize that it's not his fault, but the severe behavioral problems I cannot put up with. I'm sure with the right discipline and conditioning anyone can learn to behave themself in an acceptable manner. He is no different, he must learn impulse control.

 

[babyface4life]

I would say that serving your country is a lot to be proud of, babyface. You're being way too hard on yourself, bro. You're right, some people just don't get it and never amount to anything, but I would hate to see that happen here, as it would truly crush my soon to be wife. I know that one of the most important things for a mother to accomplish is to see their kids grow up to be successful. The learning disabilities I am okay with, I realize that it's not his fault, but the severe behavioral problems I cannot put up with. I'm sure with the right discipline and conditioning anyone can learn to behave themself in an acceptable manner. He is no different, he must learn impulse control.

I appreciate your comments regarding my situation with learning disabilities . I am honest with my self and others regarding my issues . Sometimes I work with people on my job that have disabilities ranging from mental retardation to other issues like a co- workers sister I worked with briefly who has ADD and not able focus on completing a task , or will not accept the fact , she has a lot of emotional problems and the mental capacity of a child .

Finally her family was able to declare her mentally incompetent and collect disability . The girl is 25 years old and her sister said she works with her boyfriend and doing a little better .

 

[bmx5656]

+1 for Military school, i have a cousin who sounded like that kid, and my aunt and uncle sent him away around the age of 11 i think, a year later he was a brand new kid. Years later he thanks his parents for doing what they did. You have stepped wayyy up to the plate already, hats off to you bro. Don't break off the marriage because of this kid, just deal with the problem. Good Luck

 

[hoss]

I came into a similar situation a few years ago. I ask a woman and her 3 kids to move in with me and we are married now. 2 of the children were great, the middle child then 11 now 20 nearly cost the relationship a number of times. His behavior was much to what you are experiencing with your stepson. Except that my stepson is very intelligence (IQ 140+) which can be more of an issue than a learning disability (too smart for his own good). At first I thought the best resolution was to beat the kid, but learned from doctors that he does not understand consequences. You could say “I’m going to chop off your arm”, but at that moment he could care less. Some of the disorders are: bipolar, impulse disorder, aggression, problems with authority and defiance disorder (do the opposite of what you tell them).
We found that structure with little to no change works the best. When he gets emotional all “facts” are thrown out the window. So he is reacting on “feelings” which you can’t argue with or teach a lesson. When he gets in that state of mind we would either have to let him cool down or even hold him down (so that he would not hurt himself or others) until he came to his senses. Only then could we discuss what he did wrong and enforce consequences.
The doctors did prescribe medication which worked but caused him to sleep nearly 12 -14 hours a day, and made it near impossible to get him to school. With his high intelligence he could catch up quickly which did help with the school issues, but he always had problems with the administration.
My advice is to see a “shrink” for possible medication and for everyone to talk about issues (including you). That is if you want the relationship to work. I’m still learning that with his mental disorders he can’t be treated the same as normal children. As a former Marine I’m all about discipline and structure so this is still a learning experience for me. As each year goes by he continues to improve. Even today at 20 he has the social behavior of a 15 y/o. I have asked the Lord many times what to do. I try to be a good example as how to behave.

My point is that it will take time (years).

Just my 2 cents

 

[RBB]

I came into a similar situation a few years ago. I ask a woman and her 3 kids to move in with me and we are married now. 2 of the children were great, the middle child then 11 now 20 nearly cost the relationship a number of times. His behavior was much to what you are experiencing with your stepson. Except that my stepson is very intelligence (IQ 140+) which can be more of an issue than a learning disability (too smart for his own good). At first I thought the best resolution was to beat the kid, but learned from doctors that he does not understand consequences. You could say “I’m going to chop off your arm”, but at that moment he could care less. Some of the disorders are: bipolar, impulse disorder, aggression, problems with authority and defiance disorder (do the opposite of what you tell them).
We found that structure with little to no change works the best. When he gets emotional all “facts” are thrown out the window. So he is reacting on “feelings” which you can’t argue with or teach a lesson. When he gets in that state of mind we would either have to let him cool down or even hold him down (so that he would not hurt himself or others) until he came to his senses. Only then could we discuss what he did wrong and enforce consequences.
The doctors did prescribe medication which worked but caused him to sleep nearly 12 -14 hours a day, and made it near impossible to get him to school. With his high intelligence he could catch up quickly which did help with the school issues, but he always had problems with the administration.
My advice is to see a “shrink” for possible medication and for everyone to talk about issues (including you). That is if you want the relationship to work. I’m still learning that with his mental disorders he can’t be treated the same as normal children. As a former Marine I’m all about discipline and structure so this is still a learning experience for me. As each year goes by he continues to improve. Even today at 20 he has the social behavior of a 15 y/o. I have asked the Lord many times what to do. I try to be a good example as how to behave.

My point is that it will take time (years).

Just my 2 cents

Thanks for the post, hoss. I think my situation is very similar to yours. Like you, I am also used to strict discipline and responsibility. I come from a military family (dad, grandpas, uncles....you name it) and have an incredibly hard time relating to or feeling sympathy towards lazy, undisciplined people who behave unacceptably and don't show others respect. I also, at first, thought the best solution was to beat K, but it is not working. He just doesn't get it....either he does not see the cause and effect relationship between his behavior and the punishment or he absolutely cannot control his impulses. I believe it is a bit of both.

We are working on it, he has started seeing a shrink and his medication has been adjusted....I can only hope he improves. We do try our best to be good examples to him.