Seeking Advice

angelfish315 · Nov 16, 2007

I'm a 20-year-old college student in North America and I am seeking some advice. Here's the situation... I have my parents who are extremely worried about me and my sister since we moved away from our home for school. I know how that feels when someone goes into residence or a student house right?

Then I was dating at the same time while I was here. It was a great relationship until my parents had to intervene, which caused the break-up and it was devastating for me and my boyfriend. My parents always insisted that I should focus on my studies and my studies ONLY! Plus I'm not allowed to bring over friends to the place we are living in. The only time that I'm allowed to bring friends over is when I come home every weekend and they should come over there... which is about 30 minutes away. I feel that it's some sort of isolation from my friends, which is wrong!!!

Finally, they have this vision that I should only do things what I want... when I am "successful" (i.e. have a bachelor's degree), have a steady job, and financially stable. I feel that I don't think it's right. I mean I should have my own say on what I want to do in life. While I am at it, I should be able to hang out with friends too. I just think that my parents are always thinking of the extreme.

So here's what I am asking. How can I make my parents understand that they should let me go and be on my own? I know they would always be there for me, but sometimes when I encounter a problem, I would like to handle it myself. And I would also like to experience living on my own so I could experience it... rather than going back to my home every weekend. I would like to come home every other weekend or on special occasions. My home where I grew up in would always be my home, but now I would like to move on and be independent.

Thanks.

EastBeast · Nov 16, 2007

Start paying for your own college education. Get a job, get into a work-study program, and/or apply for grants and student loans, and pay your own way, including all your living expenses. That way you will demonstrate financial responsibility, and cut the strings that bind you. That's what I did, many, many moons ago. As a matter of fact, I just got my letter in the mail from the Student Loan Corporation that I had finally paid all my college loans in full....my education is finally all mine...12 years ...a wife...3 kids...two jobs....and...one very successful business later!

confuzed_guy2000 · Nov 17, 2007

EastBeast is right. If you want independence, then you have to be willing to work for it yourself.

On one hand you want to live your life and on the other you want your parents to be there for you when it's convenient for you. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way.

Keep in mind that your parents have the best intentions for you - it might not be what you want, but in their mind, it is best. Is this fair? No, probably not. But life isn't always fair.

Being young, you might think you probably know most of what there is to know about life, love, etc. But most likely you don't - nobody really does, lol. I call it "21 and know everything" syndrome.

Obviously you have to make your own mistakes and choices, that's what life is all about. You'll even make some great life changing choices! But the fact is, if you are living under someone else's monetary good graces then you kinda have to play by their rules. Not what you want to hear but it is reality.

But try talking to your parents first and explain your side. Take them out to a nice dinner and be serious but understanding about the fact that they only want your best interests. Be calm and grown up. Don't get upset if they don't tell you what you want to hear - but you might be pleasantly surprised.

If you come to an understanding, GREAT! but realize that you guys will probably have differences down the road. How you handle these differences will help them to decide whether you are truly a grown up and if you should be treated like such.

But if you can't come to an understanding, again, don't get upset. Be polite, respectful and adult about the situation. At that point you have to decide just how independent you want to be - only you can decide that.

Sigmund Roid · Nov 17, 2007

Good advice has already been given.

That's why people move out of their parents home, so they can make their own decisions. To answer your question about how you can make them understand your need to make your own choices?

Americans seem to be much more willing and able to have agruments and fights with their parents. I am guessing your culture places a higher emphasis on respect of elders.

Are you Asian? I did a lot of study on serving the multi-cultural client due to the fact that I work in an area that is represented by a minority culture here in North America. Many of the answers and perspectives held by Americans are in conflict with students from other parts of the world.

In the end I would make every attempt to preserve the relationship with your parents while gradually separating yourself so that you can live your own life. Show respect, but make that move towards autonomy.

If you care to respond or make corrections to any false assumptions I might have made, please be sure to do so!

Best of luck in your educational pursuits.