To all my bros and sis @ promuscle.....

[lucian]

Its about 530 am and im not sleeping. on july 1st 2001 i lost my older bro christopher in a drunk driving accident. almost 8 years has gone by and still, the pain has not even let upa lil bit. there are times like now i just cant bear it. i try and not stress out lkg cuse there is nothing she can do. he was 2 years older than me. born march 16,1973. form day one he watched out for me, taught me and led me not always by example but showed me which way to go. he always knew when to zig and when to zag. he was superhuman to me. well him and a buddy went out drininkng, and his friend decided he could drive and lost control. chris was killed the guy lived. he did some time in jail but who cares. i dont remember much from the point of the funeral, my family doctor medicated many of my family for a few weeks with valium. as we grew up we didnt hang out that much as people get busy and life just goes on around you, but hollidays we wre all together. the last time a spoke to him he came into the club i worked at and had a lil buzz goin. i got the owner to let him stay afer hr with us while we counted the money. all he spoke of was how he finally met the girl he was gonna marry, her name was candy. he spoke of us moving closer to each other so we can have kids and we can keep our kids close and bring a family back together. after our grama passed,our family kinda came unglued. thats another whole story.
my question to all of you is , for those of you who have lost someone tragicaly who was close to them.....how do you cope with it? does it ever get easier? there are times i just break down and it feels so hopeless. i miss him. im still pissed. after his death i went sideways. to those of you who dont know, i began partying and using drugs which eventually led to a fullblown 250$ a day heroin habit! yes heroin! i still worked, competed, dieted and everything. nobody knew. i just numbed myself. not till i met lkg did i get back on track and begin to live again. but i still feel like something is holding me back. here is the last pic we have of him. he looked a lot like vin diesel and when i went to see the fast and the furious i began to cry cuz it looked so much like him.
thanks for letting me vent.

god bless
lucian

R.I.P CR

 

[lucian]

.....

not really sure what we are doing here but im the one in the blue and he is in the red. we were always outside playin even if it was cold out.

 

[lucian]

......

again not sure what we were doing. spiderman hat and sunlasses??? yeah thats me. guess it was cool back then. and thats chris holdin me up. we were always rough housin. he was always real strong and had a helluva left cross!!!

 

[michelin]

nice photos bro

I feel for you, you'll always have pain when you think of him but you'll always have great memories and these great memories will become the overriding thoughts eventually.
I lost my mum 19 years ago tomorrow, she was hit by a car aged 42, so I do know how it feels to lose someone so important and all I can tell you is that your bro would want you to do as much in your life as you can and not to be pissed about things or feel held back.

I'm not religious Lucian but I hope your God does bless you and you don't stay down too long bud

 

[vadim_b1]

just think that your brother is now in a better place where theres no suffering and injustice done to anyone.

 

[Lenny]

Hang in there bro and remember the good times you had together. I am sorry to hear that story because I have 4 brothers and they all mean the world to me, so I could not imagine what it would be like to lose one. Just remember that he is looking over you now. Keep your head up.

 

[LEX]

my step son dide a couple years ago...for me anytime I hear godsmack or see something that reminds me it hits me for a min...then I try to remember how much I loved him and that he had some really good days...a few with me. And then I am thankfull that I got to know him as a kid and a man.

I had a buddy I was in the service with die..we were close...that was in 90 and I still think about him.

not sure it is ever supposed to go away. I am just glad I got to do the things the I did with those guys..the time I spent with them.

 

[samiam]

I'm not sure you will ever stop thinking of him but try to think of the good times. Eventually you will be able to smile.

Dr Suess says "don't cry because it's over - smile because it happens".

Sometimes God puts someone in your life to fill a certain need for you. When he takes them away it may be because he knows you don't need them anymore - that you are ready to stand on your own. Doesn't always make it easier to know that but I can tell by reading your post you are a strong person. Just try to focus on the good times and be thankful to God for the time you had with your brother.

UR in my prayers,
SamIAM

 

[Pekkerwood]

Lucian:

I am sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was a great brother to you. We use that term very loosely here at times, calling each other "brother" but I true brother is special indeed.

From my experience, it does get better. As time has passed I find myself more happy than sad when my loved ones who have passed enter my mind. Notice I didn't say it didn't make me sad, I just said there is a lot more happiness now, and appreciation of how lucky I was to have them in my life. The pain is still there. I still stay up at night years later, but during a lot of that time now, I am happy. I trust you will find this place as well.

Live a life that will make your brother proud. He has taught you a lot it seems, planted the seeds, its up to you how the garden turns out. In your message you speak about the challenges your family has faced and I can feel that you realize the importance of family. Perhaps your challenge will be to be the one that does what he can to bring it together, to help heal the hurt. We all need a leader sometimes.

I also want you to realize how special you were to him. I am 47, my little brother is 41, but he is still my "Little Brother" and always will be. He is a better man than I could ever hope to be and that makes me infinitely proud and happy. From your writings, I bet your brother was proud of you.

Being able to voice your pain, frustation, is a very mature thing to do. It shows strength, not weakness. This strength will see you through. You will truly be in my thoughts today. Be at Peace.


Pekkerwood

 

[phoenix13]

Lucian, I can't honestly say that I know what you are feeling, I haven't lost a sibling. But I feel deep sadness for your pain. In my heart and mind, I believe that we are not in pain for the lone sake of suffering, but rather to help us to wake up to a larger view of life itself, to bring us a better relationship with God as we define such.

 

[thebrick]

Lucian, you have a great burden on you of pain and loss. Its difficult. I can only relate through the death of my son which you were so kind to offer your support when I was hurting last summer. Now, I want to offer my support in a small way…

Something very precious was unfairly torn away from you. Your pain and anger is valid. Face it. Its OK to hurt and cry. Its OK to be angry and to say "what if..."? Its human and its natural. There is no set timeline for grieving. Everyone is different. You were very close to your brother with the bond of your common blood. He was taken before his time. He was so young with a full life of promise ahead of him. Life is not fair. It might be a while before the times of intense hurting become further and further apart, but eventually, they will. The pain will always be there, but the love and memories will live on and eventually you will accept what has happened and cherish what you had. Your brother is at peace. Make him proud. There is a part of him that lives this very day in you.

 

[Schuh]

Always tough losing someone, i am sorry for your loss. Be strong.

 

[tomuchgear]

really sorry to hear of your loss. some times in time like these wether you think it is not a good idea to turn to a significant other or not it is. granted plenty of people on here know you and respect you. lkg knows you better, and can be there in person. hope you find a way through your pain lucian. the loss of a loved one is never easy. try to focus on the good times, as opposed to the loss.

 

[StoryOfTheYear]

Wow man...I have a brother. He's a year older than I am.(I'm 23 and he's 24). I dont know what I would do without him Lucian. It's very easy to take people in my life for granted...this thread reiterates how precious life really is to me! Hang in there....I know that all things seem to get better with time. Feelings come and go whether they're happy feelings or sad feelings. -StOrY

 

[fsm]

From my perspective, and I have been around for quite a while. Don't stop thinking of him! Life is a gift we give to each other. Think about him often and think of the good times and the bad. Laugh at the jokes he told you and the funny things he did. Memories are all we leave to each other, so treasure them. Take that legacy and do something with it.. and only you can decide what that something is.

Wishing you all the best,

FSM

 

[cslim]

Lucian, I can't honestly say that I know what you are feeling, I haven't lost a sibling. But I feel deep sadness for your pain. In my heart and mind, I believe that we are not in pain for the lone sake of suffering, but rather to help us to wake up to a larger view of life itself, to bring us a better relationship with God as we define such.

Dom took the words right out of my mouth. I have never personally felt such pain, but prayers are with you.

 

[Nexus]

lucian,

I dont know you but from your posts you seem like a great person. I am sorry to hear of your loss and although I do not know what it is like to lose a sibling I offer my condolences and hope that eventually one day time will take away your pain and you can look back on your times with your brother with fondness and love instead of pain. I'm sure your brother is watching down on you smiling and hoping the best for you! take care man and I hope you can find comfort in the fact that your brother loved you and of your time and memories with him!

 

[JETHRO TULL]

That's a sad story, Lucian.

I am sorry for your loss.

 

[Kane]

Lucian, You're not alone as I know there are others that still feel the same way years after a loved one has passed.

My wife lost her father 10 yrs ago and she still cries sometimes when she thinks of him.

 

[lucian]

thank you guys....

i appreciate all the support and you sharing your life experiences with me. honestly i have a feeling i will never get over it. and thats ok. i just have to find a way to deal with it.
there are many types of pain i have felt in my life but none like this. this is one i can not just push away and forget about it. we are heading back to see my family for xmas. thats the one day of the year that even if none of us talked we were all together on xmas eve at my gramps house. chris was always the last to show up, usually drunk, and boy did the party liven up then. now its almost morbit. we all sit around and try and act normal, but its not the same. we all miss him very much. i guess i didnt realize till he was gone how muc i am like him. how much i learned. me and lkg went to a pizza place a few weeks ago in RI where me and chris usd to work together. i made pizza and he cooked the other food, it was sureal. nothing had changed, but he wasnt there and nobody mentions him as they all know how close i was to him. one thing ill never forget, carrying his casket along with his best friends and my lil bro, that day lingers in the front, back and side of my mind always.