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Article: The Truth about Online Dating

OuchThatHurts

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This is a long read but worth reading when you get a free moment.
This entire article is listed on sciam.com (Scientific American) - Hopefully they'll overlook copyright.

The Truth about Online Dating
The hype is huge, and the findings are somewhat disturbing--but the future of online dating looks good
By Robert Epstein

About two years ago I arranged to meet for coffee with a woman I had corresponded with online. I arrived early and sat at a table in a conspicuous spot. After a few minutes, a woman came to my table, sat down and said with big smile, "Hi, I'm Chris!"

But Chris was not the woman in the online photos. This wasn't a question of an age discrepancy or a new hairdo. She was a completely different woman. Chris was in marketing, you see, and to her it was simply a good strategy to post photographs that would draw in as many "customers" as possible. I never said a word about the photos. I just enjoyed our conversation and the refreshments. A few weeks later I noticed that Chris had replaced the photos with those of yet another woman.

n the U.S. alone, tens of millions of people are trying to find dates or spouses online every day. How accurate are the ads they find? And just how successful is online dating compared with conventional dating? These and other questions have recently stimulated a small explosion of studies by social scientists. The research is quickly revealing many surprising things about the new world of online dating, and some of the findings could be of great value to the millions who now look to the Internet to find love.

Deception at Light Speed
Experiences such as the one I had with Chris are multiplying by the thousands: some people online lie quite drastically about their age, marital or parental status, appearance, income or profession. There are even Web sites, such as www.*************.com, where people go to gripe, and a few lawsuits have been filed against online services by disgruntled suitors. Just how bad is deception in online dating?

To put this issue in context, bear in mind that deception has always played at least a small role in courting. One could even argue that deception is a necessary part of wooing a potential partner ("Yes, I love sports!") and even of forming successful long-term relationships ("No, that dress doesn't make you look fat at all!").

But cyberspace introduces a host of new possibilities. Survey research conducted by media researcher Jeana Frost of Boston University and the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests that about 20 percent of online daters admit to deception. If you ask them how many other people are lying, however--an interviewing tactic that probably gets closer to the truth--that number jumps to 90 percent.

Because self-reported data can be unreliable, especially those from people asked to confess bad things about themselves, several researchers have sought objective ways to quantify online deception. For example, psychologist Jeffrey Hancock of Cornell University and communications professor Nicole Ellison of Michigan State University bring people into a lab, where they measure height and weight and then check the numbers against those in their online profiles. The preliminary data suggest that, on average, online profiles shave off about five pounds and add perhaps an inch in height. According to Ellison, although deception is "fairly common, the lies are of a very small magnitude." On the other hand, she says that the shorter and heavier people are, the bigger the lies.

In another attempt to collect objective data on deception, economists Guenter Hitsch and Ali Hortaçsu of the University of Chicago and psychologist Dan Ariely of M.I.T. compared the heights and weights of online daters with the same statistics obtained from national census data. Like Hancock and Ellison, they found that online height is exaggerated by only an inch or so for both men and women but that women appear to understate their weight more and more as they get older: by five pounds when they are in their 20s, 17 pounds in their 30s and 19 pounds in their 40s.

For men, the major areas of deception are educational level, income, height, age and marital status; at least 13 percent of online male suitors are thought to be married. For women, the major areas of deception are weight, physical appearance and age. All of the relevant research shows the importance of physical appearance for both sexes, and online daters interpret the absence of photos negatively. According to one recent survey, men's profiles without photos draw one fourth the response of those with photos, and women's profiles without photos draw only one sixth the response of those with photos.

If you are a Garrison Keillor fan, you have probably heard about the fictional Lake Wobegon on National Public Radio, where "all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average." In the online dating community, similar rules apply: in one study, only 1 percent of online daters listed their appearance as "less than average."

Rationale for Falsehoods
Why so much inaccuracy? One theory, formulated in the late 1980s and early 1990s by Sara Kiesler and her colleagues at Carnegie Mellon University, suggests that by its very nature "computer-mediated communication" is disinhibiting, causing people to say just about anything they feel like saying. Because people typically use screen names rather than real ones, their ramblings are anonymous and hence not subject to social norms. There are also no physical cues or consequences--no visible communication gestures, raised eyebrows, grimaces, and so on--to keep people's behavior in check. As a result, online daters tend to construct what Ellison and her colleagues Jennifer Gibbs of Rutgers University and Rebecca Heino of Georgetown University call an "ideal self" rather than a real one. A study published recently by Ellison and her colleagues even suggests that online daters often regret it when they do tell the truth, feeling that too much honesty, especially about negative attributes, creates a bad impression.

There are also straightforward, practical reasons for lying. One recent study showed that men claiming incomes exceeding $250,000 got 151 percent more replies than men claiming incomes less than $50,000, for example. Many women are quite open about listing much younger ages, often stating in the text of their profiles that they have listed a younger age to make sure they turn up in searches. (Because men often use age cutoffs in their searches, women who list ages above that cutoff will never be seen.)

My research assistant Rachel Greenberg and I have examined the age issue by plotting a histogram of the ages of 1,000 men and 1,000 women selected at random from the national database of Match.com, arguably now the largest of the online matchmaking services. We speculated that from age 29 on--the point at which people in our culture tend to become sensitive about growing older--we might see some distinctive patterns in the distribution of ages. For men, a small spike appeared in the distribution at 32 and a large one at 36. The number of men calling themselves 36 was dramatically higher than the average frequency of men between the ages of 37 and 41.

For women, we found three clear age spikes at 29, 35 and 44. The difference between the number of women claming to be 29 and the average frequency of women claiming to be between ages 30 and 34 was nearly eight times larger than we would expect by chance. Apparently women at certain ages are reluctant to reveal those ages--and certain numerical ages are especially appealing, presumably because our culture attaches less stigma to those ages.

Tests That Fail
I have been a researcher for about 30 years and a test designer for nearly half those years. When I see extravagant ads for online tests that promise to find people a soul mate, I find myself asking, "How on earth could such a test exist?"

The truth is, it doesn't.

For a psychometric evaluation to be taken seriously by scientists, the test itself needs to clear two hurdles. It needs to be shown to be reliable--which means, roughly, that you can count on it to produce stable results. And it needs to be shown to be a valid measure of what it is supposed to be measuring. With a test that matches people up, such validity would be established by showing that the resulting romantic pairings are actually successful.

Criteria for establishing test reliability are quite rigorous. Once relevant data are collected, the results are typically submitted to the scientific community for scrutiny. A peer-reviewed report (one vetted by other knowledgeable researchers in the field) is ultimately published in an academic journal.

Several online services are now built entirely around claims that they have powerful, effective, "scientific" matchmaking tests--most notably eHarmony.com, promoted by clinical psychologist Neil Warren; PerfectMatch.com, promoted by sociologist Pepper Schwartz of the University of Washington; and Chemistry.com (a recent spin-off of Match.com), promoted by anthropologist Helen Fisher of Rutgers. But not one of the tests they offer has ever been subjected to the type of outside scientific verification that I have described.

Why would a major company such as eHarmony, which claims to have 12 million members, not subject its "scientific, 29-dimension" test to a scientific validation process? In 2004 eHarmony personnel did present a paper at a national convention claiming that married couples who met through eHarmony were happier than couples who met by other means. Typically such a paper would then be submitted for possible publication in a peer-reviewed journal. But this paper has still not been published, possibly because of its obvious flaws--the most problematic being that the eHarmony couples in the study were newlyweds (married an average of six months), whereas the couples in the control group (who had met by other means) were way past the honeymoon period (married an average of 2.1 years). (eHarmony personnel, including its founder, Neil Warren, did not respond to requests to be interviewed for this article.)

In 2005, using eHarmony's own published statistics, a team of credible authorities--among them Philip Zimbardo, a former president of the American Psychological Association--concluded in an online white paper: "When eHarmony recommends someone as a compatible match, there is a 1 in 500 chance that you'll marry this person.... Given that eHarmony delivers about 1.5 matches a month, if you went on a date with all of them, it would take 346 dates and 19 years to reach [a] 50% chance of getting married." The team also made the sweeping observation that "there is no evidence that ... scientific psychology is able to pair individuals who will enjoy happy, lasting marriages."

Think about how difficult this task is. Most online matching is done, for example, by pairing up people who are "similar" in various respects. But you do not need to look farther than your own family and friends to know that similarity is not always a good predictor of success in a relationship. Sometimes opposites really do attract. How could an online test possibly determine whether you should be paired with someone similar or with someone different, or with some magic mix?

And even if validated predictive tests eventually appeared online, how could such tests possibly predict how two people will feel when they finally meet--when that all-important "chemistry" comes into play? Oddly enough, eHarmony does not even ask people about their body type, even though research shows unequivocally that physical appearance is important to both men and women.

But the biggest problem with online testing is the "false negative problem." A test that determines in advance whom you might meet and whom you will never meet necessarily fails to allow certain people to meet who would adore each other. The good news, though, is that according to psychologist Larry D. Rosen of California State University, Dominguez Hills, "In our studies only 30 percent of the people say they use [online tests] at all, and most of those people find them ridiculous."

High Hopes and Poor Odds
Advertising materials from the largest online dating services--Match, eHarmony, True.com and Yahoo! Personals--suggest that more than 50 million Americans are now using such services (assuming relatively little overlap in membership) and that satisfaction levels are high. But recent independent studies suggest that only 16 million Americans were using online dating services by late 2005 and that satisfaction levels were low. Based on a phone survey with more than 2,000 people, Jupiter Research reports that "barely one quarter of users reported being very satisfied or satisfied with online personals sites." Another extensive survey conducted by Pew Internet & American Life Projects suggests that 66 percent of Internet users think that online dating is a "dangerous activity."

According to Trish McDermott, a longtime spokesperson for Match and now an executive at Engage.com, the confusion over membership figures results from the fact that while a large company such as Match might advertise that it has 15 million members, less than a million are actually paying customers. The others have full profiles online--an important marketing draw--but cannot respond to e-mails. This is one of several reasons, according to McDermott, why many paying members get frustrated by a lack of response to their e-mails; the vast majority of people in the profiles simply cannot respond.

One of my greatest concerns about online dating has to do with what I call "the click problem." We already have a commitment problem in America, one of several reasons why roughly half of first marriages and about two thirds of second marriages here end in divorce. Online dating probably is making things worse.
No matter what Hollywood tells us, long-term relationships take patience, skill and effort. In cyberspace, unfortunately, the bar is so long and the action so quick that few people are willing to put up with even the slightest imperfection in a potential mate. If someone is the wrong height or wears the wrong shoes or makes the wrong kind of joke, he or she is often dismissed instantly. After all, it is a simple matter to go back and click, with tens of thousands of potential mates ready to fill the void.

Virtual Dating and More
These many problems notwithstanding, the future of online dating and matchmaking looks bright. Interest is growing rapidly, and intense competition will force rapid changes in the kinds of services that are offered. In 2001 online dating was a $40-million business; by 2008 that figure is expected to break $600 million, with more than 800 businesses, both large and small, vying for every dollar.

The online dating model is already developing rapidly. Phase one--the Long Bar--is exemplified by companies such as Match, True and Yahoo! Personals. Phase two--the Long Test--is the bread and butter of companies like eHarmony and PerfectMatch. But phase three is already well under way.

Engage, for example, allows members to bring friends and family with them online, all of whom can prowl the profiles, checking people out and matching them up. Members can also rate the politeness of their dates, as well as the accuracy of the profiles. This is the new "community" approach to online matching--a naturalistic, social corrective for the deception that plagues cyberspace. The community approach is also evident in the sprawling new social networking sites such as Facebook, Friendster and MySpace; MySpace alone has more than 100 million members. Although the social networking sites appeal mainly to young users and are not strictly dating sites, they bring the community back into whatever dating is generated there. On mega dating sites such as eHarmony and Match, dating is done in complete social isolation, a matter of great concern to Ellison and other researchers in this area.

And the next step in online dating--"virtual dating"--is already being developed. Using special software developed by the M.I.T. Media Lab, researchers Frost, Ariely and Harvard University's Michael I. Norton recently reported that people who had had a chance to interact with each other (by computer only) on a virtual tour of a museum subsequently had more successful face-to-face meetings than people who had viewed only profiles. One major bonus: virtual dating takes care of the safety concerns that prevent many people from meeting in person.

Take this just a small step forward: people meeting and chatting in a romantic virtual cafe on the Champs-Élysées in Paris--seeing and hearing each other online as they interact in this beautiful setting. Andrew Fiore, a doctoral candidate at the University of California, Berkeley, who studies online dating, suggests that in a few years we will even be able to add physiological signs to the experience--the sound of your date's heartbeat, perhaps? Add community-based matchmaking to enriched virtual dating, and we have turned the internet into the greatest yenta the world has ever known.
 
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OuchThatHurts said:
and some of the syntherolfindings could be of great value to the millions who now look to the Internet to find love.

...and we have turned the syntherolInternet into the greatest yenta the world has ever known.

Huh?
 
how the hell did that happen?

*I fixed it but the word syntherol was peppered all through the article... I never saw that before.
 
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Good read OTH! Kinda funny I had a girl find me on myspace, she told me in the opening message that she saw me at the bar but wasnt sure if the girl I was with was my GF(she wasnt) we starting chatting a bit and we have been on a couple dates. I was pretty forward about myself( I don't really have a problem meeting woman in real life and am actually fairly happy living a single life and dating multiple woman) I never did mention the gear aspect of my life, but who would.. Come to find out this girl was even better lookig than she was in her photos! She is a great girl that has a career in you guessed it .....THE MENTAL HEALTH FIELD she is highly educated and comes from money...LOTS of money..

Then there is me. 25 years old , I sleep around with 19 and 20 year olds I find at the gym, Ive been known to cheat ALOT, I like my gear ALOT and would have a hard time giving it up for a woman (well if it was the right one then I would drop it if she needed me to) I have ZERO college education, I work as a parttime Butcher and full time for an oil company but do decent for myself. She knows Ive been to jail, knows I come from ZERO money but she can't get enough of me.

This girl is 27 and has wealthy men chasing her and yet we go out to a fancy club last night, I wear a 5 year old tshirt jeans and a backwards hat, park my 99 wrangler with 200K on it next to a benz and some fancy SUV . She looks like she just walked off the pages of cosmo... Hell I take it for what its worth,
after a few drinks she tells me she finds me so attractive because I give off a DONT GIVE A FUCK attitude, I have confidence, she says IM unpredictable and well she digs bod.....She aint seen nothin yet- Im not even ON right now and Im actually in pretty bad shape in my own mind..

OTH are woman in your field generally attracted to guys that..well are a little rough around the edges- I picture this chick having tea and crumpets with some rich dude and yet she goes for me?

woman are strange animals---

I think I will continue to date her for a while-

I want to put this article to the test and see what happens when both of our true colors shine through and we can see how much different we are from our "internet" selfs!
 
donveto said:
OTH are woman in your field generally attracted to guys that..well are a little rough around the edges- I picture this chick having tea and crumpets with some rich dude and yet she goes for me?

woman are strange animals---
Women are really not that much different than men. Many people think that professionals and scientists somehow have different sexual propensities than non-professionals. We don't. There is no doubt some snobbery in the academic and scientific communities but they are more the exception than the rule.

I'll answer your question with a question. Don't you find yourself attracted to a lower class girl on occasion? The reality of your situation is that higher classes (in America status is based on wealth) occasionally find a "toy" in a person like you describe - and better yet, ZERO complications. Does that mean that two people cannot find true love coming from such different backgrounds? Of course they can! Usually though, once the newness and excitement of a toy wanes, so does the relationship. So be careful not to become the toy if you're going long term. If you're not, then ENJOY THE RIDE BROTHER! LOL

Have fun, be safe, and ENJOY each other. You got me jealous.
 
OuchThatHurts said:
how the hell did that happen?

*I fixed it but the word syntherol was peppered all through the article... I never saw that before.

Sublimimal messages ;)
 
Big A said:
Sublimimal messages ;)
You sum bitch... I should have known!

You're evil!

p.s. but still funny as hell!
 
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smallsparrow said:
Subsyntherolimimal messages............ss
Yeah LMAO... exactly. Welcome to MY world! He's the admin (the big cheese) here so don't fuck with him but this is the shit we mods have to deal with you guys never see...

The man sits on his mountain and plays with us as his personal hand puppets!!!LOL

took me 20 minutes to reread and edit all that out of there. That's okay. Every dog has his day. I may be a dog but I will have mine...

because...

this...

is...

SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
 
OuchThatHurts said:
Women are really not that much different than men. Many people think that professionals and scientists somehow have different sexual propensities than non-professionals. We don't. There is no doubt some snobbery in the academic and scientific communities but they are more the exception than the rule.

I'll answer your question with a question. Don't you find yourself attracted to a lower class girl on occasion? The reality of your situation is that higher classes (in America status is based on wealth) occasionally find a "toy" in a person like you describe - and better yet, ZERO complications. Does that mean that two people cannot find true love coming from such different backgrounds? Of course they can! Usually though, once the newness and excitement of a toy wanes, so does the relationship. So be careful not to become the toy if you're going long term. If you're not, then ENJOY THE RIDE BROTHER! LOL

Have fun, be safe, and ENJOY each other. You got me jealous.


VERY TRUE! I actually am rather attracted to girls from a lower class/ small town just getting by!

Either way it is a new experience for me so Im going to take it for what its worth---

Still not cancelling my plans with two 19 year old cardio bunnies that want me to go to Boston with them this weekend for a little club action!
 
As the article says, I think with online dating people, men and women are looking for "perfection". He/she needs to be exactly a certain height, hair color, build, what have you.

I have a few other friends that do the online dating, both male and female, and yet they all bitch about the amount of "quality" dates, but then again, they're having sex with whoever they meet off of there and then going onto the next person.

I think with the whole online dating, like the article says, if the person doesn't see "perfection" in the pics/profile, they go straight to the next one to see what/who else they can get with. I personally, think it's funny as hell, that some of the same women on match.com saying how they want a man with high morals blah blah blah, are the same chicks I have met at swinger clubs with a girl I was seeing for awhile lol

I think the mentality in this country as far as online dating goes is a joke, I've decided not to try it anymore and to meet women outside of the internet world.

I figure that if you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results.
 
OTH

OTH i have been around since the renegade days so i know how BigA is.......i lurk in here all the time, but have been doing the bodybuilding thing off and on for the last 12-15 years.....hell BigA helped me through my first cycle wayyyy back when, he probably doesn't remember, but i grew like a weed with his help.............anyway enough highjacking this thread.........just thought the syntherol thing was pretty funny.......peace and stay safe......ss.
 
JustWannaBeHuge said:
I personally, think it's funny as hell, that some of the same women on match.com saying how they want a man with high morals blah blah blah, are the same chicks I have met at swinger clubs with a girl I was seeing for awhile lol

QUOTE]


AMEN BROTHA! I also touched base on this a bit in a post a while back..you are dead right.

COMMON PROFILE
Im looking for a guy that is close with his family and LOVES kids and cats :) While IM not teaching Sunday school for the blind I make hand baskets for the elderly. Im a highly motivated young lady who is not willing to settle for second best- I need a man that knows where he is going in life and isnt afraid to show his emotional side..

REALITY
Im a 23 year old reformed pig slut that just got off a meth addiction. I never had a problem getting gang banged for a fix. Ive even dabled in online porn- you may have seen me on Bang Bros..hehe
Anyway Ive been clean now for 18 days and really need to find a dude that has his shit together because I clearly don't and Im sick of living with my parents..

Ok OK so maybe not all are like this- but you get the idea

Us guys are no better

I will never let my sisters meet someone from the net. It is real easy to come off like a night in shining armor then 3 months later we have another sociopath that kills a girl.

It really sucks for both sides..

I feel bad for the good girls that fall for abusive lame excuses of men and I really feel for the guy who falls for a chick that was a common bar slut..

Oh well, this can happen without the net but dating sites make it that much easier to happen.
 
It's so sad and so true. Many people rely on it as their only way to communicate anymore.
 
Just saw that move Perfect Stranger with Halle Berry....different look at online dating haha!good watch for all the online....messangers!
 
Met a woman online...Things got off to a great start but started to go badly rather early....She began stalking me and my two children. Had to get the state police involved in the matter. Got spooky not knowing where/when she would show up...calling and sending text messages non stop....Once the state police got involved and approached her it came to an end. Lesson learned!!!!
 
It is bad!

I've had a girl stalk and threaten to kill me.. many many outdated pics and too many headcases or not ready to date..
Although one time I was contacted by one of the VERY top fitness models in the world.. talked on the phone for a while and really hit it off. When she told me who she was I laughed and said suuurreee. I was a little sarcastic and asked for a pic right then from her camera phone... It was her!.. she told me to f off.. I still regret it to this day...
 
On a site pimped by facebook i posted a pic of the caveman from the Geico commercials and said I was a female looking for a female and was 7 10" and I kept getting matches lmao. :D
 
REALITY
Im a 23 year old reformed pig slut that just got off a meth addiction. I never had a problem getting gang banged for a fix. Ive even dabled in online porn- you may have seen me on Bang Bros..hehe
Anyway Ive been clean now for 18 days and really need to find a dude that has his shit together because I clearly don't and Im sick of living with my parents..

Fucking CLASSIC! :D
 
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