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Advice on breakup and pride

ouija

New member
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Dec 21, 2011
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59
Looking for some advice from guys who have been in long term relationships and have been through the ups and downs.

Kind of a long story here but I'll be as short as I can.

My gf and I had been together for a while and have been friends for about 13 years in all. We had been planning on getting a house this fall, and getting married and all that happy stuff was in our plans for the future.

She's a full time teacher, part time waitress, night time grad school student (working on 2nd masters). She's been super busy this semester, and I could see it visibly taking a toll on her emotionally. I've been very accommodating to her schedule and very supportive of her, even though I was feeling left out I know that this is only a temporary situation and she NEEDS to get it done.

Well she dropped a bombshell on me a few nights ago (mind you she had just gotten back after leaving my place and this was all text message crap), telling me with how stressed and busy she is she feels that she's not meeting her standards for being good to me and that she needs time off from the relationship.

Followed 2 minutes later by her saying she doesn't want to lose me and she hopes it's just the hormones talking (it was that time of the month and she has a medical condition that lends to a rollercoaster ride on the hormone train) because she doesn't want to lose me. I responded by saying I wasn't going anywhere and completely support her but that I had no idea what she meant by needing a break.

She comes back to say she just needs some space for a few weeks to get her shit together and that she just doesn't want to be a half of something she can't focus on at all and it's just stressing her out.

Followed by telling me how great I've been and how she looks forward to spending time with me and my dog and how much she loves me. I stopped responding because I was pissed off and hurt and didn't want to make things worse for her.

And it's been almost a week and I haven't heard from her at all. I'm not a stupid guy by any means...usually a break is the first step to a permanent breakup...breaks are for highschool kids anyway.

So here's where I could use some insight. Obviously she can't just quit jobs or end school, these are things she needs to be doing, and I can understand her need to focus without worrying about other things. But to me, saying "hey i just need some space to get work done" is different than "needing a break from a relationship". I mean, I'm not a dog, and relationships don't have on/off switches...this is a huge kick in the nuts.

So I've done the most logical thing, considered the relationship over, started my winter/spring cycle, and try not to go through the self loathing/anger at her thought process that leads nowhere, and generally just do my own thing while keeping my head down and letting the wounds heal. My appetite is not there cuz of this and despite getting deep sleep i have nightmares about her/us. I do miss her, but I'm also let down.

Now IF she does call in a week or month or however long her workload is this intense to resume the reltionship, how should I handle it? Do I eat getting hurt swallow my ego and remain supportive and loving? Do I go WW3 on her and make her hurt too? I know life is long with ups and downs, just looking for some insight as to what other people have gone through in rough patches.
 
Sounds to me she broke up with you in a nice way. She could have met someone else too and is testing the waters. I say move forward with your life. If you hear from her fine, if not move on.
 
Sounds very fishy to me. Like she's about to go do something but wants you to be waiting in the wings if it fails. Sadly I've see a lot of people think they can pull that crap. My ex was that way.

Either way what she did wasn't fare to you.

If she isn't out doing something stupid in the little bit of free time she has and suddenly calls you in three weeks like nothing happened. That's up to you but I'd be making it clear what was done wasn't the right way either.

Mine was working on a double masters. 60 plus hours a week and full time mommy. I get that there isn't much time. Those type of hours lead to stress, fights. But at end of day that relationship is waht should matter since your each other's support.

I've been in a few long term relationships that ended usally by my choice. It's a hard thing to do but you need to do what you feel is best for you. Get busy with what you love to do and it gets easier as time goes by. Few booty calls don't hurt eithe.

Good luck.
 
Sounds to me she broke up with you in a nice way. She could have met someone else too and is testing the waters. I say move forward with your life. If you hear from her fine, if not move on.

Def isn't somebody else...she really is legitimately too busy to scratch her ass even if she wanted too lol, never mind meet anyone.

She'd be at my place with a stack of papers/tests to grade, mountains of grad school work, and in 8 hours barely put a dent in it. Killed her that she would come to my place to work and not even "see" me.

She's the super jealous super committed type. Her ex was a complete douche nozzle and she stayed loyal to him for 2 years...we had gone out a few times before that but she couldn't deal with my drinking problem back then. In all the years I've known her I've never seen her this upset, usually she's got a game face that puts most guys to shame.
 
Sounds very fishy to me. Like she's about to go do something but wants you to be waiting in the wings if it fails. Sadly I've see a lot of people think they can pull that crap. My ex was that way.

Either way what she did wasn't fare to you.

If she isn't out doing something stupid in the little bit of free time she has and suddenly calls you in three weeks like nothing happened. That's up to you but I'd be making it clear what was done wasn't the right way either.

Mine was working on a double masters. 60 plus hours a week and full time mommy. I get that there isn't much time. Those type of hours lead to stress, fights. But at end of day that relationship is waht should matter since your each other's support.

I've been in a few long term relationships that ended usally by my choice. It's a hard thing to do but you need to do what you feel is best for you. Get busy with what you love to do and it gets easier as time goes by. Few booty calls don't hurt eithe.

Good luck.

Thanks. This is exactly what I was thinking. Relationships are about support, being a team etc. That's what is upsetting me..

The whole fishy part didn't occur to me for a few days and I think it's the age old assuming the worst mentality, but honestly deep in my heart (and I've been cheated on before so I'm not that naive) I trust this girl 100% to be loyal and I believe her, at least in this instance. But I'll never know and if I hear from her, like you said, that's the chance I take with whatever I decide.

What's weird is that she legit said she just needs a few weeks, went as far as to tell me she still has plans for OUR future, and even apologized for being selfish in doing it this way. I think she really believes she just gets to call a time out.
 
bunch of red flags here OP.

whenever a girl says she "needs some space" from your relationship, roughly 80-85% of the time she means "I found a different guy I want to fuck".

Her telling you how much she loves you, and how much she is planning a future with you means that she wants to put you on reserve in case it doesn't work out with the other guy. You have officially become the backup plan.

you said that her ex was a complete douchebag.. im going to guess that she's going back to him to retest the waters because he's "changed".

girls tend to believe that if they fuck other guys during a "break", it's not cheating.. guys view breaks as putting the relationship on "pause" girls, as I said in the other thread, view taking a break as carte blanche to do whatever and whoever the fuck they want.

and trust me, she won't tell you, because in her mind, it wasn't cheating.

-break up with her, go straight to no contact
-do not be resentful or vindictive, if she contacts you, and you absolutely for some reason, must reply, be the perfect gentleman, but do it in a way that's genuine.
-pack up her things and help her move
-don't drink or develop bad habits, focus on you...travel, learn a new language, develop new skills, whatever

trust me bro, it's right fucking in front of you, you just can't see it because you're not objective.
 
my wife is in school full time, 15 credits, O chem 236 (second level), lab, calculus, statistics and some other non-sense class, runs her skin care service business, we have 2 small kids under 4. Last spring was 18 credits, 3 science classes each with lab, plus other class. Yes life gets busy, but that means we miss each other MORE, and want to spend any time together, even if its just sleeping in the same bed.

The real question is, are YOU willing to deal with this ever again, or even right now? To me being put on the back porch until she is ready to let me back in would be unacceptable...EVER! That is against my rules of life. Make your own rules, don`t live by hers, that will always equal unhappiness.

Since she likes text, do this, text her. "I understand you need a break, but I`m now I`m done, I cant live like this. Someday I hope we can be great friends again"..... THATS IT! No matter what, don`t respond for days, turn the phone off, give it to somebody to hold. You will either have clarity it is over, or she will come running back apologizing. I did something similar to my wife 3 months ago, she was crying on me that night she cant live without me, the problem we had was gone, bond tighter, and rules laid down again, "THAT" does not happen again and I will not be treated that way, EVER! Good luck, be the pack leader, be strong.
 
This sounds like a f'ed up response, but could it be that she is busting ass trying to make something out of herself thats once she is all done with school and lands a nice career she may feel she deserves someone more in her league??

Crazy thoughts here, but it is a possibility if you really don't have much going on.
 
This sounds like a f'ed up response, but could it be that she is busting ass trying to make something out of herself thats once she is all done with school and lands a nice career she may feel she deserves someone more in her league??

Crazy thoughts here, but it is a possibility if you really don't have much going on.



well I believe there was a guy here not too long ago who was helping his girl pay off her student loan debt.. as soon as the debt was paid, she took off lmao.
 
I spent 5 years in a serious relationship. She was a semipro V ball player in the 90's. Cor executive. My life couldn't have been better. Fresh out of military, college going great, had decent job for student. We always mad time for each other. Despite or crazy schedules I was at her place every night. We started working out together so we could spend more
tome together. Marriage after I graduated was being discussed.
There was literally no way she or I had time to cheat. She drops a bomb she's taking a job promotion in Europe. Tells me to go back in
Military and get stationed near her. Ummm, it doesn't work like that. Plus I'm a grunt that means 6 months out of year in field.. I'm going to college to make more money.
Long story short I'm pretty she knew I wouldn't do what she was asking. She get real busy so I wet and hung with my boys to blow off some steam.

I stopped buy to surprise her. Walk in the apartment and my love notes and dog tags aren't hanging where they normally are. Someone else's love notes are. She's been cheating on me for two years!!!! No idea here she fit that in. I hung out with her friends etc. Talk about Rage,
not good time to have found out an be on cycle.

For your sake I hope that's not the case.
But damn sometimes even street smart guys get the wool pulled over their eyes.
 
I spent 5 years in a serious relationship. She was a semipro V ball player in the 90's. Cor executive. My life couldn't have been better. Fresh out of military, college going great, had decent job for student. We always mad time for each other. Despite or crazy schedules I was at her place every night. We started working out together so we could spend more
tome together. Marriage after I graduated was being discussed.
There was literally no way she or I had time to cheat. She drops a bomb she's taking a job promotion in Europe. Tells me to go back in
Military and get stationed near her. Ummm, it doesn't work like that. Plus I'm a grunt that means 6 months out of year in field.. I'm going to college to make more money.
Long story short I'm pretty she knew I wouldn't do what she was asking. She get real busy so I wet and hung with my boys to blow off some steam.

I stopped buy to surprise her. Walk in the apartment and my love notes and dog tags aren't hanging where they normally are. Someone else's love notes are. She's been cheating on me for two years!!!! No idea here she fit that in. I hung out with her friends etc. Talk about Rage,
not good time to have found out an be on cycle.

For your sake I hope that's not the case.
But damn sometimes even street smart guys get the wool pulled over their eyes.

That sir, is shitty..sorry to hear about that one. I hope it's not the case for me, really don't.

But after talking this one over with one of my female friends whose had some experience dealing with a similar situation...

I'm not going to play the try to get her back game in any way...not texting her, not calling, not waiting.

Like I said before, I already considered it over. My attention is on saucing without getting injured like I did last year lol.

I was mostly looking for input on how to handle this shit if she does ever come back around.

No matter what, I will never know where she is or what she's doing right now. Speculating and thinking about that don't do any damn good. And honestly bro's I appreciate the reality check...but like I said, I've known this girl through her previous relationships and I've dated a coworker of hers in the past, my sister's best friend works with her now...I know the dirt on this girl and how she operates...if there was someone else, there would have been a very dramatic break up and I woulda been told to fuck myself...she's kind of direct.

My real issue is this, if she comes back in a genuine and serious manner knowing (and admitting) that she fucked up here...and really does want to fix things, then what? If she walks back like it's no big deal her ass is getting in touch with my boot. Either way I'm not chasing her.
 
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She is seeing another guy, that I can guarantee. If she cared about you she would make the time to be with you. Had the same thing happen to me. They unofrtunately will lie and deny unless they are caught. Just how it is. And if I had one golden suggestion I would either block her number or change phone numbers and move forward as fast as you can. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation man, I was sick and couldn't sleep over a month over it.
 
My real issue is this, if she comes back in a genuine and serious manner knowing (and admitting) that she fucked up here...and really does want to fix things , then what?


bro... that is exactly what is going to happen..


she thinks you're great, which is why she said she still sees a future with you.. but for right now, she is trying out other guys to see if there is something better out there.. unfortunately, in our "yolo" MTV generation, there aren't many quality guys.. which is why she will be back, and im sure she'll hit you with the waterworks about how sorry she is.. etc. etc.

women actually do this shit

im fucking telling you bro.. lol
 
She is seeing another guy, that I can guarantee. If she cared about you she would make the time to be with you. Had the same thing happen to me. They unofrtunately will lie and deny unless they are caught. Just how it is. And if I had one golden suggestion I would either block her number or change phone numbers and move forward as fast as you can. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation man, I was sick and couldn't sleep over a month over it.



thank god.. someone else who sees shit for how it really is..


OP, do you know how rare it is to find someone of quality out there? someone who you have real chemistry with? she knows ur a good guy.. WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT TO TAKE A "BREAK" FROM YOU??

seriously.. she knows she is running the risk of losing you over this.. which is why she gave you that whole speech about "we have a future" basically she was saying "please don't run off while I fuck other guys".


I know im hammering you bro, but it's what bros do... I have "bro code" tattooed on my chest
 
thank god.. someone else who sees shit for how it really is..


OP, do you know how rare it is to find someone of quality out there? someone who you have real chemistry with? she knows ur a good guy.. WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT TO TAKE A "BREAK" FROM YOU??

seriously.. she knows she is running the risk of losing you over this.. which is why she gave you that whole speech about "we have a future" basically she was saying "please don't run off while I fuck other guys".


I know im hammering you bro, but it's what bros do... I have "bro code" tattooed on my chest

Preach it!
 
thank god.. someone else who sees shit for how it really is..


OP, do you know how rare it is to find someone of quality out there? someone who you have real chemistry with? she knows ur a good guy.. WHY THE FUCK WOULD SHE WANT TO TAKE A "BREAK" FROM YOU??

seriously.. she knows she is running the risk of losing you over this.. which is why she gave you that whole speech about "we have a future" basically she was saying "please don't run off while I fuck other guys".


I know im hammering you bro, but it's what bros do... I have "bro code" tattooed on my chest

I know I know. This is why we got back together in the first place. We dated in high school, went out a few times in our early 20's, and years down the line we got back together. I made her wait 3 months into seeing eachother to sleep with her...all the while I did my thing with my buddies and she stuck around and put in some work.

We've both been cheated on, and as hard as it may be for anyone to believe it...it's just not happening. I can tell you 100% I'd be the first one to look elsewhere if there was any question about our relationship being worthwhile. And yes I do get it, if it meant as much as it should, she wouldn't be able to put in on pause...I was the first one to say that's fuckeddddd up.

But humor me for a minute, pretend she's not that girl and she really just had some sort of anxiety induced breakdown. Then what.

Like I said, I consider it over, but she really is worth considering the 1 in a million chance. Anything short of this miracle occuring is going to result in what's already happened, me on cycle and her missing some enhanced dick stuck with some douchenozzle.
 
Your thinking from your perspective, a mans perspective. If you switch the roles and look through hers it is blatantly obvious what's going on. We are here to tell you what it is. there is absolutely no reason to put ANYTHING on hold if she still wants you. The only other logical conclusion is her distancing herself from you and spending time with her new guy. She wants you back when she's had her fill of the new guy. Speaking from pure logic and deduction this is the only conclusion. If you prove me wrong then i would happily eat crow, as well as glad things worked out for you. I just see no other option with the information given and history you have told me. Just because you have been cheated on does not mean that you are incapable of doing the same thing. If you catch her or she confesses she will undoubtedly say " I never meant to hurt you". As if she doesn't know exactly how it feels. She just doesn't care at the moment
 
I love how everyone here knows exactly what is going on. All I will say is I respect how well you are handling yourself in this horribly stressful situation. You are keeping your cool and being patient. It's healthy. We should all learn from you, however this plays out you are handling it in the best possible way. I wouldn't close any doors yet.
 
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I'm with donkey. There's no such thing as a break. Women can be amazing liars. Like monkeys, they don't let go of a branch until they they have a sure grip on another.

If you eventually do take her back, it will take an exceptional human being to completely look past this. Eventually, probably when you've had a few drinks, this will eventually come up again.

I don't envy your situation whatever you decide.
 
But humor me for a minute, pretend she's not that girl and she really just had some sort of anxiety induced breakdown. Then what.

Like I said, I consider it over, but she really is worth considering the 1 in a million chance. Anything short of this miracle occuring is going to result in what's already happened, me on cycle and her missing some enhanced dick stuck with some douchenozzle.

if I was having an anxiety induced breakdown, I would want to spend time with my woman to help me relax.. instead, she is putting distance between you and her, so she can feel less guilty about waxing some other dude's cock.


but I digress...I did my best to help you out.. my conscience is clear


you obviously don't want to hear it, so I wish you good luck, and I hope she comes clean about what she has really been doing so you don't waste too much more of your time on her.

cheers
 

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