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Overcoming Severe Depression from Spouse

meterman5

Member
Registered
Joined
Jan 18, 2013
Messages
307
I will try to keep this short.

3 years ago I started a new career. I was promoted fast after 8 months. This is a 24/7 production and I run graveyard. The stress of not having much manager support has weighed on me but my personal life seems to be the extreme stress.

I have found many incidents of my wife hiding things from me and being very irresponsible with her money and time. She has just resigned a union job due to her going to work and getting a reasonable suspicion alcohol test which she blew a .108 and .103.

I could go with more but 3 weeks ago I found a bombshell. I have tried being supportive and as loving as I can. Through all this distrust I am always on red alert. I looked at her computer and found a video in her trash folder of her masturbating. After seeing the file date and time I realize it was an afternoon when I was sleeping before work. She was literally in the bathroom next to me. I bluntly called her out on it and she got extremely angry and said she was making it for me but didn't send it.

The video was over 3 weeks old so I told her that I didn't believe her. She just ignores it and I have tried to ask her to help me through this. I don't think she would cheat on me but now I wonder if it was a curiosity of hers or it was made for someone else. We have had a normal sexual relationship and I would classify my wife as most normal women that she has things she never has told me about but I don't think she has been super wild either.

Point being this is driving me insane. I have been off work for the last 3 weeks and my ego is gone. I love my wife and I am unsure how to even start to deal with this alone. She does not want to talk about it at all.
 
wow that`s rough, especially if she doesn`t wanna talk about anything. Women most times won`t cheat for physical touch but more for emotional connection and attention, think flirting or possibly masturbation video at extreme end. If that`s what happened it doesn`t necessarily mean she wants to have sex with that guy (or any other guy besides you) but she enjoys the attention and idea of somebody getting off to her.

If she is going into work and still has alcohol in her system or was drinking right before work she has got some serious problems. That much dependance on alcohol most likely will also sway her decision making and make changes in her personality. Addressing the booze I would think is the first step in getting back to a healthy relationship, if that`s still possible.
 
We have known each other for more than 10 years and been together 5. There are always things I know people hide which I believe is human. What is the most frustrating is even she admits that no matter what she comes to me with as long as she tells me I am so loving and even keeled. It's when I find out any way except her.

Just knowing her I think she has been judged her entire life and that's why she keeps things in. I told her that I don't care if she screwed up. I stood firm that it's not normal to have any amount of alcohol in your system during a normal workday. .108 isn't passed out fucked up but it certainly is buzzed at 11 a.m.

I feel like every time I turn around there is something else. I definitely am far more insecure now with the video. I can't help but think she wants more of the world's attention than mine. I lump the makeup, clothing, and everything into one now.
 
How long have things been getting worse like this? How long have you been on that night shift? Opposite schedules and one person working nights is really tough on a relationship. Have you been spending a little less time together this you started working the night shift?

I think instead of getting insecure, then possibly suspecting her of things, watching her, jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, be more conscious of the things YOU do, especially for her. Treat her like you did the first year you met, not like a pair of 10 year old slippers. This biggest part of not having the time to give her the attention you need is work schedules so don`t take that to personally.
 
How long have things been getting worse like this? How long have you been on that night shift? Opposite schedules and one person working nights is really tough on a relationship. Have you been spending a little less time together this you started working the night shift?

I think instead of getting insecure, then possibly suspecting her of things, watching her, jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst, be more conscious of the things YOU do, especially for her. Treat her like you did the first year you met, not like a pair of 10 year old slippers. This biggest part of not having the time to give her the attention you need is work schedules so don`t take that to personally.

I have been on nights now almost 3 1/2 years. I noticed a change in her about a year and a half ago. She got involved in the makeup side business (hard to explain but similar to a mary kay style sales pitch). It seemed as if she became so much more concerned with what others thought. We have always been able to talk but she would not budge on this. The incident at work happened about 6 months ago. She has been home since then because with my promotion we still make the bills.

I told her I needed her help to get me better. Especially since the video. I tried explaining although not perfect when I am concerned about what she is doing at night she is very naïve to the type of people that are out late at night. She listens but after that no actions.

Ultimately I want to build a life with her. We both have been married before. Her ex was a total Neanderthal. She admits for a man over 40 he had zero marital skills. Long story on how they were together. She did the typical "I am only getting married once". I have not seen any alcohol since the incident and she does go to women's groups and meetings.

Thank you for reminding me that at some point I have to allow her to make it right and not automatically assume she is up to something sneaky. She is so used to her ex that multiple times she has said through the years she is not used to someone so attentive.
 
I don't mean to be an insensitive inconsiderate ass. But this pic sums up what you need to come to terms with, my friend. You'll thank me on the other side of the journey. Remember it's darkest before dawn.

**broken link removed**
 
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I don't mean to be an insensitive inconsiderate ass. But this pic sums up what you need to come to terms with, my friend. You'll thank me on the other side of the journey. Remember it's darkest before dawn.

**broken link removed**

The pic doesn't affect me. I confronted her although I don't know about physical cheating I am all but positive she has emotionally cheated. I have come to grip with the video and the reality is she is seeking more than my attention. I told her once something is on the internet it never goes away. She nonchalantly told me "it was never on the net search away". I would love to find a way to see if really was a webcam show.

I told her that video was designed t get attention from someone other than me. I told her if you were being narcissistic that's one thing but I believe that video was made for others to give her compliments not me. I told her she should have never married me if she didn't want my attention for life. Things lately have been okay but there is still an elephant iin the room.
 
you need to leave for awhile.....



:cool:
 
The video would make me suspicious too. If you really wanted to know if shes up to anything there are MANY ways to find out for sure. Private detective, cell phone spyware, computer spyware, ETC.. Be prepared for what you may find though.
 
Get a GPS tracker online for cheap and you pay for a plan and then it attaches to your car underneath with a magnet and won't fall off easy, you can remove it weeks later.

When you're alone at your computer you can log in online and see the GPS data that's logged and see where your car was every night while you were at work or at any time for that matter.

Good luck!
 
Get a GPS tracker online for cheap and you pay for a plan and then it attaches to your car underneath with a magnet and won't fall off easy, you can remove it weeks later.

When you're alone at your computer you can log in online and see the GPS data that's logged and see where your car was every night while you were at work or at any time for that matter.

Good luck!

That's some Breaking Bad shit right there. Lol
 
For your self man - do the cell phone and computer tracking
It is cheep and easy.
Then at least you know where every thing stands.
If she is doing some thing - you can live with it or deal with it.
This is fucking with your head way to much and eating you up.
Take care of it now - say nothing - just do it for 2 months.
I my self would rather know.
If you can let us know how you make out
There are so many great women out there.
Life is great alone also
 
My ex deleted everything off of her phone and I purchased a software to find everything out, or at least most I could recover anyway. Search online you can find them easy, most even have free trials. All you really need is her phone backup you don't even need the phone itself, unless of course it wasn't backed up recently.

Either that or you can go with the sentiment that ignorance is bliss but you don't sound like you're okay with that and I don't blame you, you deserve better. I can tell you pretty positively you're going to find some shit, after that it's up to you to forgive her or get rid of her. From what you're saying in regards to her attitude I don't think shes going to be trying to earn your trust again, more like it's going to be either you forgive her and pretend it never happened or she will move on herself. Also I'll tell you this much, if she gets away with it she'll most likely just get better at hiding it next time, you can't change women anymore it's a sickness going through society there is no more accountability for actions and it sounds like she's quite the subscriber to that.

I was in a similar situation it sucks dude and I'm sorry, believe me I feel for you deeply when I read your words. Good luck and stay strong, best thing I can tell you is to carefully plot your actions don't do things out of anger and emotion it will all just get turned around on you.

The next best thing I could tell you is what pretty much got me through, she's not one in a million shes one out of a billion. You sound like a good man you don't deserve to be made minuscule.
 
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My ex deleted everything off of her phone and I purchased a software to find everything out, or at least most I could recover anyway. Search online you can find them easy, most even have free trials. All you really need is her phone backup you don't even need the phone itself, unless of course it wasn't backed up recently.

Either that or you can go with the sentiment that ignorance is bliss but you don't sound like you're okay with that and I don't blame you, you deserve better. I can tell you pretty positively you're going to find some shit, after that it's up to you to forgive her or get rid of her. From what you're saying in regards to her attitude I don't think shes going to be trying to earn your trust again, more like it's going to be either you forgive her and pretend it never happened or she will move on herself. Also I'll tell you this much, if she gets away with it she'll most likely just get better at hiding it next time, you can't change women anymore it's a sickness going through society there is no more accountability for actions and it sounds like she's quite the subscriber to that.

I was in a similar situation it sucks dude and I'm sorry, believe me I feel for you deeply when I read your words. Good luck and stay strong, best thing I can tell you is to carefully plot your actions don't do things out of anger and emotion it will all just get turned around on you.

The next best thing I could tell you is what pretty much got me through, she's not one in a million shes one out of a billion. You sound like a good man you don't deserve to be made minuscule.

100%
 
Meter you alright brother?
 
One thing I learned about women. If there's no more dialogue, it's a matter of time before it goes down the drain.

Try to talk once again, get things sorted out or convince her to go to counseling. If not successful, the relationship is probably over.

And I can almost guarantee that the video wasn't for you. Not for herself either... Sorry to say...
 
Just an update for everyone. I have tried to keep things low key. I do bring up the video at various moments. I do it such a calm manner and I tell her exactly how I feel. She tried saying I am accusing her and I shut that down immediately by saying I am not accusing but telling her how I feel.

The intimacy in our marriage has slowly dwindled. I know thats a bad sign. Whenever I bring it up she still say "go ahead and search it was never a webcam show or seen by anyone". I ask her why then and she simply refuses to talk about it. I mean just looks at me and says nothing.

As a man I want to be valued for a number of things and being a good over is one of them. Before me she dated basically the same asshole nd was married to one for 11 years. She just lost her job so I know that is taking toll on her. If I didn't see the video I would have written the intimacy off as depression. Given the video was months after I think she is looking out for attention. I work graveyard and she made that video in the bathroom next to the bedroom while I was sleeping one day.

This is definitely eating me alive and I have not been to the gym in months. Thank you for all the help I will try to update this thread more often. I will not let this go unsaid. I don't want divorce but if I have to I will because I will not live a life where I will doubt my manhood.
 
Brother I've been where you are, exactly where you are. You need to do what it takes to find out the truth and then move on if you have to, the longer you hold on to false hope the longer it's going to take you to pick up the pieces. PM me if you need help with anything at all or just want to talk
 
Oh and Meter, you're the prize she should be trying to win you not the other way around. You're a man you're the alpha in the relationship and she did something wrong, not the other way around. She obviously just wants it to go away without any accountability for her actions, that is NOT okay and you deserve better!
 
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no matter age or time in a relationship a woman always wants to feel wanted, important, like "the shit", that a 20y/o feels. NEVER let yourself treat her like and old pair of slippers... they are always there to keep you warm, reliable, don`t need anything special...WRONG. Forget the video! Maybe she sent it to some other guy, mostly for attention, but I would bet 98% she wants to be with you. If not she would just go fuck somebody and not make a video. Focus on building the relationship, taking it back to when you met, attention for her, spontaneous stuff (not just sex in the car) that got her excited to begin with. PM me if you need brother.
 

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