Overcoming Severe Depression from Spouse

[Deansreturned]

I'm late to the thread here but feel compelled to post my opinion.

Perhaps you should tell us more about yourself? If you just started a new career 3 years ago I get the feeling you're within your 30's? Regardless of whether you are or not, why would you subject yourself to this type of relationship?

Whether she is cheating or being faithful, I think you fail to address the issue that you have serious trust issues with this women. No 'healthy' relationship would have this type of issue within it. If you were 110% confident in your relationship you would take her word for it and move on.

If you're on the young side, in a great career and moving forward in life...why would you waste your time in a relationship with so many doubts? One where the action of this women controls your life to the point where you can't function, or go to the gym, etc. That sounds more like an obsession than a mutual relationship. Where else in your life is she potentially controlling you and your emotions? Why would you commit to someone who is damaging your progress towards your life goals because of a video?

Monogamous relationships are 'trial runs' for marriage (in most cases.) If you can't trust this women with something like that why are you considering making her your wife? Maybe having unprotected sex with her? Living with her? Etc, etc, etc. If you can't trust her with a video you're going to trust her with much larger issues as your relationship becomes more serious? If you have no intensions of marriage, why is she living with you? Why are you in a monogamous relationship? Why are you wasting precious years of your life with someone who doesn't make you completely happy.....

 

[NGL34]

Hogan knows how women think. He gets it. I bet you just put so much focus into your new career you didn't give your wife the attention she needed. If this is true, you can't blame her. This is women and the reality- Their a lot of fucking work. Once you get complacent and lazy in the relationships it's only a matter of time before she goes and finds attention somewhere else. Try filling her shoes for a moment instead of pointing the finger as if it's totally her fault. See her point of view.

no matter age or time in a relationship a woman always wants to feel wanted, important, like "the shit", that a 20y/o feels. NEVER let yourself treat her like and old pair of slippers... they are always there to keep you warm, reliable, don`t need anything special...WRONG. Forget the video! Maybe she sent it to some other guy, mostly for attention, but I would bet 98% she wants to be with you. If not she would just go fuck somebody and not make a video. Focus on building the relationship, taking it back to when you met, attention for her, spontaneous stuff (not just sex in the car) that got her excited to begin with. PM me if you need brother.

 

[meterman5]

Just so everyone has some background on me. I turned 38 in February. She is39. I started a great career when I was 21 and was able to amass quite a savings. When I was 34 I took some bad advice and bought a business I thought I could work through even not knowing the industry. That drained a good portion of the wealth I had.

I have "known" her for a few years becauseI would see her at the gym and ironically I get my haircut the same place she would get her nails done. I was able to land a job with the worlds largest well know coffee company at a production facility. After 8 months they offered me the graveyard supervisor position. I make good enough money where I try to spoil her bylining her spend her money on her (she is a school teacher and makes decent money).

I am a bit old fashioned so I like paying the bills and doing "man chores". I am by far more of the talker in the relationship. She was married to a knuckle dragger of a man. He neglected her and basically thought since he was a man with a job he is worthy. I realize there two sides to any story but what she says she doesn't play the victim just how they were separate people. She is used to hiding things from him and it's transferred over to our relationship. We have a great connection and after 3 years I still love talking to her or doing things for her.

I also do some home-brew "supplements" that make extra money. I was honest with her about that and she is very good about me handling that myself without any judgement. I think she may be biased because she reaps the profits and I am fine with that.

 

[meterman5]

Also of note I finally got her to admit a reason for the video without arguing that it was for me. I typed out my feelings and gave her an ultimatum. I told her I need the truth even if it hurts. She let me into her computer and on that date she was had been reading a lot of sex articles on women health. Masturbation in particular. She said she was curious and got caught up in the moment.

I can somewhat believe that but I have listened and watched that video many times. I swear I can hear pinging in the background as if people on the other end were telling her to do certain things. Without getting super graphics she got right to business and adjusted the built in webcam a couple times to get her whole body and face. I started looking at the video details (time and date). I couldn't figure out why so early and when I was asleep that afternoon (have to try and get some naps before graveyard in).

I still think about it and it kills me to think she did a true webcam show. She has given me access to her computer for the last couple weeks but she also has an iPad and iPhone that I don't have passwords to so I know she still has other means. I was hoping she is bored when I am at work but that was not the case this time.

 

[Deansreturned]

This should not be how a relationship is with grown adults.

If you have to have access to her computer to monitor her, and reviewed the video multiple times for clues that should set off an alarm in your head.

If she has hidden things from her last husband and openly admits it, that should set off alarms in your head.

You shouldn't have to monitor her cell phone, computer, etc. to be in a relationship. This is a relationship, not your 16 year old daughter who just discovered the internet for the first time.

If you have a relationship based on commonalties (similar interests, hobbies, etc.) then it won't have to be a lot of "work." A relationship should be something you enjoy and you should be able to trust that person with everything. If you can't trust a video (and that has nothing to do with you but that you just can't trust her) then why are you in a relationship with this women?

If you have your life together do you not believe you can find someone else who will make you completely happy?

 

[jay_dub]

Not sure if this has been said yet or not but one thing raises an extreme red flag in my eyes is the fact that she refuses to talk about it and is completely insensitive to your concern.

Regardless, I would truly recommend counseling (sounds like there are quite a few issues)and if she is unwilling then it's time to turn a new page in life my man.

Life just completely shits on us sometimes, deservingly so or not, but all we can do is try and move forward.

 

[meterman5]

This should not be how a relationship is with grown adults.

If you have to have access to her computer to monitor her, and reviewed the video multiple times for clues that should set off an alarm in your head.

If she has hidden things from her last husband and openly admits it, that should set off alarms in your head.

You shouldn't have to monitor her cell phone, computer, etc. to be in a relationship. This is a relationship, not your 16 year old daughter who just discovered the internet for the first time.

If you have a relationship based on commonalties (similar interests, hobbies, etc.) then it won't have to be a lot of "work." A relationship should be something you enjoy and you should be able to trust that person with everything. If you can't trust a video (and that has nothing to do with you but that you just can't trust her) then why are you in a relationship with this women?

If you have your life together do you not believe you can find someone else who will make you completely happy?

I agree with you. We are adults. She is used to men with no emotions. I am not trying to portray me as perfect but this hit me so far out of left field. I resolved that I would never live a life where I had to keep tabs on my spouse. She knows that I love her so much it's hard to say no or get mad. I asked her if she had issues that needed to be dealt with but she said no. At times she will try to say she doesn't look at my things or nag at me. I told her that's because she knows every password I have to any device and she always knows what I am doing because as a courtesy I give her a basic plan of my daily activities.

Not sure if this has been said yet or not but one thing raises an extreme red flag in my eyes is the fact that she refuses to talk about it and is completely insensitive to your concern.

Regardless, I would truly recommend counseling (sounds like there are quite a few issues)and if she is unwilling then it's time to turn a new page in life my man.

Life just completely shits on us sometimes, deservingly so or not, but all we can do is try and move forward.

Right now I have no clue what to even do. Her explanation was somewhat logical but my gut (which is usually right) says there is more toit. To make a video of yourself like that is someone that doesn't many sexual inhibitions. Why she kept it to herself is what is eating me alive. She kept it in the trash folder so it was always going to be accessible.

 

[Deansreturned]

She has access to all of your social media accounts, electronic devices and is provided with an outline of your daily activities, yet you need to request access to her computer, you're "old school" so like to pay for all of the bills and there is little/no sex in the relationship?

Sounds like you're a sugar daddy who is paying but not getting any sex from the relationship and you get abused at home emotionally as well. What a terrible deal...

Her ex was someone who didn't care about her supposedly and was a bad guy? Maybe he saw her natural tendency to take people's kindness for weakness and he adjusted his attitude from 'nice' to 'asshole' to better suit the situation.

If you can look past the fact that she may have cheated then you need to start taking control of the relationship again. Whenever you're in a decision making situation with her you should ask yourself "Would Brad Pitt put up with this?" (insert whoever you'd like)

Tell her she needs to get a job, stop telling her where you are 24/7 a little bit of mystery is good. Stop being so needy and nice. She fell in love with the guy who hit the gym and was hardcore enough to be a member on ProMuscle...not the guy who hasn't gone to the gym in months. Money is great, and making more is great but you work to make money to pursue your hobbies/life...not for the purpose of working. See if you can make changes at work to your schedule to gain control of your life back...take that extra time and hit the gym, take her on exciting dates, work on yourself, find more balance, become the guy you were when you got married, sounds like you may have lost him and it's likely the reason for her lack of attraction.

 

[jlm25]

Just so everyone has some background on me. I turned 38 in February. She is39. I started a great career when I was 21 and was able to amass quite a savings. When I was 34 I took some bad advice and bought a business I thought I could work through even not knowing the industry. That drained a good portion of the wealth I had.

I have "known" her for a few years becauseI would see her at the gym and ironically I get my haircut the same place she would get her nails done. I was able to land a job with the worlds largest well know coffee company at a production facility. After 8 months they offered me the graveyard supervisor position. I make good enough money where I try to spoil her bylining her spend her money on her (she is a school teacher and makes decent money).

I am a bit old fashioned so I like paying the bills and doing "man chores". I am by far more of the talker in the relationship. She was married to a knuckle dragger of a man. He neglected her and basically thought since he was a man with a job he is worthy. I realize there two sides to any story but what she says she doesn't play the victim just how they were separate people. She is used to hiding things from him and it's transferred over to our relationship. We have a great connection and after 3 years I still love talking to her or doing things for her.

I also do some home-brew "supplements" that make extra money. I was honest with her about that and she is very good about me handling that myself without any judgement. I think she may be biased because she reaps the profits and I am fine with that.

You are only mentioning things you like doing for her. That may not be her love-language. My wife would rather have me compliment her beauty, hair, how she looks, kisses on the forehead, etc then me buy her any material item. I would suggest you both sit down and do a "language of love," test. Once you both have the results, show them to each other. That is what you each need, not what you think she needs.

 

[FrancisK]

Meter I explained exactly how you can find out the truth, you're in denial and helping her stay on the hamster wheel. She's doing the same shit she did with her ex but of course it's not her fault it's everyone and everything else's. She didn't learn anything from her mistakes and keeps doing the same shit, hamster on a wheel.

You need to move on brother, you're making yourself a beta male for her and you're robbing yourself of your prime years. I've done it myself and count my blessing for coming to my senses.

 

[FrancisK]

Hogan knows how women think. He gets it. I bet you just put so much focus into your new career you didn't give your wife the attention she needed. If this is true, you can't blame her. This is women and the reality- Their a lot of fucking work. Once you get complacent and lazy in the relationships it's only a matter of time before she goes and finds attention somewhere else. Try filling her shoes for a moment instead of pointing the finger as if it's totally her fault. See her point of view.

This is some of the worst shit I've ever heard, you sound like a brain washed feminist. You're blaming him being a provider on the shit she did are you fucking kidding me? I promise if you believe a word of this shit you've been cucked by every women you've ever had a relationship with. Women want a sensitive beta bitch guy to jerk around and use when they're done riding the cock carousel but they want a alpha man to fuck and worship.

 

[Deleted member 121863]

This is some of the worst shit I've ever heard, you sound like a brain washed feminist. You're blaming him being a provider on the shit she did are you fucking kidding me? I promise if you believe a word of this shit you've been cucked by every women you've ever had a relationship with. Women want a sensitive beta bitch guy to jerk around and use when they're done riding the cock carousel but they want a alpha man to fuck and worship.

buddy you wanna post your own advice, go ahead, you wanna take a swipe at me calling me a brain washed feminist and your outta step. You just gonna expose yourself for the guy that watches porn all saturday night thinking every woman wants to be smacked in the face, gagged and facialed. Wow your out of touch. Is that your pick up line... Hey bitch I`m the alpha you can worship? LOL. I will bet the bank my wife is hotter than anything you have ever touched. Go away kid.

 

[FrancisK]

buddy you wanna post your own advice, go ahead, you wanna take a swipe at me calling me a brain washed feminist and your outta step. You just gonna expose yourself for the guy that watches porn all saturday night thinking every woman wants to be smacked in the face, gagged and facialed. Wow your out of touch. Is that your pick up line... Hey bitch I`m the alpha you can worship? LOL. I will bet the bank my wife is hotter than anything you have ever touched. Go away kid.

I'm sorry did I quote your post?

This guys girl was making videos of her playing with herself and refuses to discuss it and your response is to admonish him for not giving her more attention? You're wrong and telling him that shit is just enabling her, I don't give a shit what you have to say about me your advice to him is dead wrong. I don't give a shit if you think I'm "outta step" I'm trying to help him and you're trying to set him up to get bent over for the rest of his life. I sincerely apologize if what I said offended you but I have no interest in a pissing match about your hot wife, good for you I hope you're fucking Sophia Vergara, I'm trying to help a fellow brother as someone with direct personal experience of an eerily similar situation.

 

[meterman5]

Just as an update things are somewhat better. I am finally starting to the things I need to get back in shape.

For the relationship talks I bluntly told her we have to talk this out ourselves or preferably with a professional because silence only kills me more.

I am by no means a sugar daddy. She is older than I am by a year. I just enjoy that I work hard bring a decent salary home where she can get all the little nick backs fucking women need to feel important. I have reminded her many times clothes and worldly things don't make a person. It's the fabric of their sole and that is often spotted early on.

I believe she may be scared to tell me things but I have asked her to tell me a time when I said she could do anything. I don't.

I do have to get back to my hobbies of lifting and just being a greta man, husband, and lover. If she can't take the positiveness then she is not right for me. I would feel lost without her. Things are slightly better I just wish I could find a way to deal with that video.

 

[ShortStop]

Loyalty and trust fuck love. What's love got to do with it. Once u lie your a fucking liar. Then everything you say becomes questionable. Once you cheat your a cheater and you can't be loyal again once your unloyal to your significant other.
Maybe she's just jacking off for people on line. Not necessarily cheating but still unacceptable in my book. Are you giving her enough attention. Woman crave attention and they will look for it somewhere else if your nit gIvins it. God knows every guy out there is looking for a piece of ass. Guys hit on my girl right in front of me.. I can fuck my girl 6 days a week and if I don't fuck her on that seventh day. She's telling me I don't fuck her anymore. Woman are weird. They like to turn and twist shit around and there very good at it. You need to talk it out and don't raise your voice no matter how mad you are becuz she will surely shut down. I would be a quiet detective. Is she erasing her texes? Is she deleting her browsing history on her computer?? Missing time or money is another sign something is off. Woman have a hard time admitting anything. Trust is a delicate thing but if you can't trust the woman your with. There's not much of a relationship there. A way to a woman's heart is her fucking pussy. If your hitting that frequently and right. Eating that pie up. That's how u get her to open up. That's when you try to talk to her. That's how I do my girl especially if I know something is bothering her becuz women keep that shit in. You have to get her guard down. Getting to her mind is thru her pussy. Try it show her some attention for a week back rubs the works tear that shit up like u just met. Dont make any demands or judgements towards her....She won't know what hit her. You have to trick her into coming clean.

 

[meterman5]

As I said before things are better. She admitted she did it based on the women health articles for herself but it was never a webcam show. I believe her at that. I try to take care of her in my ways wether it's cleaning the house or washing her car.

I don't give her much if any money. Yes I surprise her with a few things but for the most part I pay the bills (by choice) and she can spend her money on herself. Although if any man has had to deal with the pyramid scheme that "younique" cosmetics is they would know exactly how I feel towards them.

Sex is slowly getting back to normal. I admit my drive is still less that it was and I think time will help me deal with it. I will never allow myself to knowingly be a door mat. I did that in my early 20's and I learned very valuable lessons. To me any relationship not just husband and wife is building something to together. No lopsided things. I never complained about the bills unless she si spending every penny on material things.

I will try to update this post once a week. Mainly because over the last two months I have gained 48 lbs. because I have not even set foot in the gym and eat more processed food to get through the moment.

 

[chainheart]

I will try to update this post once a week. Mainly because over the last two months I have gained 48 lbs. because I have not even set foot in the gym and eat more processed food to get through the moment.

have you gotten on metformin? it's not just for diabetics.

Points to remember:
-blocks some carbs in stomach if taken before meals.
-inhibits liver from making glucose.
-This results in less insulin day in day out and that will increase your sensitivity to it.


"Metformin reduces blood glucose levels primarily by suppressing glucose formation in the liver (hepatic gluconeogenesis).59"

"More importantly, it activates an enzyme called AMPK (amp-activated protein kinase) that plays an important role in insulin signaling, systemic energy balance, and the metabolism of glucose and fats.60"

Metformin is a safe and widely-prescribed drug approved for use in type 2 diabetes; it is also a powerful calorie restriction-mimicking drug.

Metformin’s calorie restriction-like actions include activation of a powerful and ubiquitous metabolic sensor called AMPK.

Activation of AMPK and its consequences subject cancer cells to unique metabolic stresses not experienced by healthy tissues, promoting death (and even preventing development) of cancer cells early in the cancer development process.

Metformin also independently inhibits an age-accelerating complex called mTOR that is implicated in cancer development.

The Drug Virtually Everyone Should Ask their Doctor About - Life Extension

 

[meterman5]

have you gotten on metformin? it's not just for diabetics.

Points to remember:
-blocks some carbs in stomach if taken before meals.
-inhibits liver from making glucose.
-This results in less insulin day in day out and that will increase your sensitivity to it.


"Metformin reduces blood glucose levels primarily by suppressing glucose formation in the liver (hepatic gluconeogenesis).59"

"More importantly, it activates an enzyme called AMPK (amp-activated protein kinase) that plays an important role in insulin signaling, systemic energy balance, and the metabolism of glucose and fats.60"

Metformin is a safe and widely-prescribed drug approved for use in type 2 diabetes; it is also a powerful calorie restriction-mimicking drug.

Metformin’s calorie restriction-like actions include activation of a powerful and ubiquitous metabolic sensor called AMPK.

Activation of AMPK and its consequences subject cancer cells to unique metabolic stresses not experienced by healthy tissues, promoting death (and even preventing development) of cancer cells early in the cancer development process.

Metformin also independently inhibits an age-accelerating complex called mTOR that is implicated in cancer development.

The Drug Virtually Everyone Should Ask their Doctor About - Life Extension

I have not tried this because I can point to glaring things (not eating right or working out like normal) that I know are contributing. One thing that is of note is my doc gave me zyprexa to deal with anxiety and try to stabilize my mood. Everything I have read about zyprexa is that weight gain is pretty much a given. That completely demotivates me that I take a drug to try and deal in the moment while working things out and one tool I am using is causing me depression in other areas such as the weight gain.

 

[brownbanana]

Sometimes the choice you have to make isn't between good and bad, but bad and worse.