well, here goes.. i was in a ruby tuesdays eating one night.. now, to set the story up right, you have to understand that i have ibs (irritable bowel syndrom) for those ofyou that do not know what ibs is all about.. lets just say, that when you have to shit.. it is coming and there is nothing you can do about it.. and certain foods makes it next to impossible to be far away from a toilet..anyway.. i just finished working out and while working out i was sipping a protein drink with creatine..now, i get cleaned up and go with the wife to eat..i order a 12 oz steak and onion rings..yes, onion rings..i eat it in record time then order a coffee.. yes, i am doing everything possible to shit my pants at this point but, since i had not done so in a while i was lulled into a false sense of security.. that was about to end..
after my coffee, i was just chilling out and then within a matter of seconds, it was launch time..i actually could not stand up for fear of crapping lava right on the resturant floor..i tried with everything i had to hold it it..it was pure liquid at this point and was funneling its way towards my sphincter.. which i might add is not near strong enough to hold back the torrent..i started to sweat and rock back and forth..like that was going to help..i told my wife that i was about to shit my pants.. she said (she was used to it by now) that i need to go to the bathroomm.. now, i have a diffinite fear of using public restrooms..i hate it.. will not do it.. but, there was no choice this time as there was no way i could make it home..i stood up very slowly to make sure i did not squirt and blow the back end of my blue jeans out..my ass was actually sweating by this pointand my blue jeans were getting wet.. I WAS GOING TO SHIT MY PANTS!! i made my way to the restrooms , farting as i walked...
i arrived into the bathroom to find two young waiters talking about a football game that they played in..there is no way i can shit infront of people.. i was paniced beyond belief..i stood infront of the urinal acting as though i was there to take a piss..ass cheeks clinched as tight as possible..i was literally praying at this point.. you know. the praying like "please god do not let me shit my pants" ya know.. the prayers that i am sure he is really paying attention too.."forget world hunger.. i have a dumbass in illinois about to shit his pants"..just when i thought there was no way that i was going to make, they started heading for the door.. i thought "thank god".. just then..one of them stops and said "hey dude.. where do ya lift at?" i turned to him..shaking, pale, and sweating. looking more like a crack addict than anything.. i said, the gym (mine) and tried to cut off the conversation..just then , god answered my prayer and his boss called him out of the restroom..then second he was gone i was in the stall.. i unbuckeled my pants and before i could even sit down.. my ass exploded.. the shit wentinto the toilet with such force that it swooshed up the sides.. i plopped down as fast as possible.. just then.. the explosive farts came out.. i could not shit with out a explosion of sound.. i i tried to clinch but, it was hopeless...as my luck would have it.. the door opened..another guy is in there washing his hands...i am literally holding myself up off the toilet to try and stop myself from making the explosive sounds coming from my ass..it was a hopeless battle and my ass opened and i shit even more.. the sound and force was that of a herrier jet..and it would not stop.. literally lasting 15 seconds ...then the calm...i was breathing and sweaty..but, very relaxed..i tried my best to clean myself up..using most of one roll..i forgot about the guy outside.. just then a voice said "hey buddy.. you okay in there?" i cringed with embarrasment..i said "ahh..yeah".. he said "you sure?" i said "yeah.. im fine".. long pause and he said "do yo want me to get someone?"...what the f@#$..i said "no.. i am fine".. he then says.. "okay ..if your sure"..and he left.. i was beyond embarrased..i would have to go outside eventually.. and you know he is watching the door to see what i look like.. and yes, you know he told evryone at the table the sorted story..
as i was pulling up my pants, another guy walks in and exclaims "christ..who died in here!" his buddy says "someone ate some roadkill...wow" f@#$ me running..if i had a gun i would have ended my life right there..i waited for them to leave and slowly made my way out of the bathroom slowly..for i was in a weakened state by this point..
i walked out and found my wife waiying for me at the front ..i wlaked to her and she busts out laughing.. i said "what the hell are yo laughing at?" she said that a man went up to the manager and said that there was someone in the bathroom that might need assitance and recommended to the manager that if i was not out in a few minutes that he should check on me...my wife was standing right there when it happened and knew it was me..as she is telling me the story the manager over hears her and says " ha ha was that you?"..f@@$ me.. I WILL NEVER SHIT IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM AGAIN..PERIOD..
.gif "IP Gear")
