My stepson is being lied too about me...

[zephyr22]

Well I have been recently devorced. I was with my exwife for 12 years. Weve been devorced now for about 9 months am im slowly getting better. My training is going good finally. Although appetite is still shitty. Anyways my exwife is now financially in a rut. Not my problem. However my stepson who i consider my own is now calling me and asking for money. He is 15yrs old. I think his mother is talking finances out loud around him. Something is a miss. Hes stating that his mom is having a hard time paying for hockey, lunch money, gas money etc....... I think his mother put him up to this. Im not quite sure. However I feel guilty. I just took him out the other day and bought him some new shoes and a couple pare of jeans and a few shirts. Now his mom has a new boyfreind. However he has a shit job. Again not my problem. The thing is my wife left me. I feel like i dont owe her shit. However I love my son but agian I help with what I can. I too now have to survive on one income. It is life right???? Economize is what ive been doing. No more splurging of money. However the exwife goes out on the town every week end. Right before she left me she buys a BMW. What was she thinking???? Now I told her you reap what you sowe. Im not obligated to her at all. So what the hell do I do??????

 

[BIGANT40]

take care of the kid the best you can, and fuck her. let her go bankrupt, you dont owe her shit..

 

[liftalot79]

Tough One???

My Advice would be to buy him stuff and not to give money. I deal with Addicts and Family's of Addicts. They tell me "Charlie we feel guilty or bad if we can't give them money to pay bils, food,etc" i say take the Phone payment and pay it or take them to Walmart and buy them $50.00 in Groceries. You might give him $100.00 and he might use $50 for hockey stuff and feel guilty and give his mom $50.00. I would at 15 yrs old do that, Mom is God in the Eyes of a Child. Plus parents can make a Child feel Guilty and make them feel likes it's their fault without even trying. I've seen it 100 times.

PM me if you need more help

 

[triathloncoach]

Dont give the wife or son any cash.

If your son needs something and you want to help buy it for him. If you can and want too. I'd be afraid if you gave the son money the ex wife may take it. But also make sure what you buy your son isn't returned for a cash refund.

DO what makes you happy.

 

[thebrick]

You already know the answer. She is using you.

 

[thebrick]

I'm going to post one more time because it really pisses me off when parents use their children as weapons. My ex did that so your story touched my nerve. I'll add, teenagers can see through that crap 90% of the time.

I would not enable your ex but you can still be supportive of your stepson. Your time, a good meal out, a ball game, a concert come to mind. Another idea is you could set up a savings bond or a little fund that he could not access until he is 21 or of the age you set. Let it grow. A little added along the way would add up nicely. That would mean a huge amount to him when he is in school or starting his own life.

Just an idea

 

[Oldlifter]

This may sound odd, but I would offer him to stay with me, instead of mom. Maybe make a condition of when mom gets on HER feet, then son moves back in with mom.






.

 

[RONJON]

My Advice would be to buy him stuff and not to give money. I deal with Addicts and Family's of Addicts. They tell me "Charlie we feel guilty or bad if we can't give them money to pay bils, food,etc" i say take the Phone payment and pay it or take them to Walmart and buy them $50.00 in Groceries. You might give him $100.00 and he might use $50 for hockey stuff and feel guilty and give his mom $50.00. I would at 15 yrs old do that, Mom is God in the Eyes of a Child. Plus parents can make a Child feel Guilty and make them feel likes it's their fault without even trying. I've seen it 100 times.

PM me if you need more help

...good advice IMO

 

[brother_iron]

I hate to say it but cut all ties. Sometimes whats best for you isn't good for someone else. Don't give money/goods that can be returned. If he needs something order it off ebay or something of that sort.

Hes your stepson, not biological. Obviously you care about him alot but you need to like you said get your life completely back on track and get over the divorce, move on and be happy. If you continue to help that mental and emotional pain will always be there.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

Great advice here for you zephyr! Just want to make a quick observation for you. You said multiple times, "not my problem". Damn I wish that were true! Unfortunately, mom's problems=your stepson's problems=YOUR problem as we see here.

If his parents are agreeable to it, take him out, buy him what he needs. I'm not sure how far you go with helping out his mother. It sounds as if you may be more financially responsible than her. Just do your best to make it clear that you love him and are watching out for him (be his guardian angel). If his parents are using him as a tool of manipulation, then just do whatever you have to do to ensure that he feels safe and protected, whatever that may be. And always make sure he sees and knows that your love for him is more powerful than any negative feelings you may have for his mother (or whoever) or her actions. I think you have the chance to be a true hero here. Unsung, yeah, but a hero nonetheless.

Keep up the good work!

 

[mooshue]

i went through something very similar, crazy ex working crap jobs or no jobs, alcoholic, raised the step kids from the time one was 2 months old and the other was 2 years old. Together for 9 years, started using the kids as weapons, demanding money into the account, helping pay for bills etc..

I have to agree that the best route is to tell her to fuck off, but if you are still allowed to see the child, like was said take him shopping.

Buy him items, not give out cash.

If you really are going to take on raising him the rest of the way even though you really have no rights whatsoever now after being divorced, pay directly for his extra curricular things, don't give them cash at all.

I started with the cash and quickly learned it was pissed away on booze. Then went on to paying a bill here and there only to realize it's not my problem, then went on to when she disappeared for days on end, it was made very clear to me by the school & children services that i have no legal rights to those kids whatsoever and i needed to stop rescuing them from school and such because that would be considered kidnapping.

The minute i asked her to have something drawn up to allow me to be a legal guardian and have 50% input in the childs life, they left town.