need help with relationship

bolo · Oct 17, 2004

ok here's my problem, ive been married for 10 years and after 3 years she had a hisarectomy(?) she never did have a huge sex drive but after that it really went to shit, she went into a depression and i think she never came out of it, i think the last time we had sex was a year ago( i have girls that take care of that) i really am not atracted to her sexualy anymore but i still love her and don't want to hurt her by leaving but i don't know what else to do but leave,
so we fight all the time, she lies about money and big money,there is no passion, romance or sex and she just quit a great job w/bennies so now i have to pick up that slack, she blames it all on deppression and she is on meds for it and the hist.
i told here i want a 3 month leave to think about things and i agreed to go to counseling with here but i cant aford to leave now, it takes every penny i make to pay the bills,
anyway i think i hung in there longer than any man would but when she quit her job i just had it with everything.
what would you guys do

Sigmund Roid · Oct 17, 2004

Bolo, hang in there, Brother!

I'll get back to you on this. I just got out of the shower. Hopefully some of the other Professional Muscle members will see this post and make some comments as well. I am not ignoring your situation (which sounds serious). I'll get right back to you. I have some questions for you.

FRKNHUGE · Oct 17, 2004

bro im sorry, i havent any idea on what advice to give, i thought abt it for a day now and its a sketchy situation
i too will get back to ya
frk

Mr.Huge · Oct 18, 2004

personally if you are truly unhappy

and have been unhappy for some time, there is no reason to let the relationship drag on. If you have already been involved with other woman then you simply are not doing your half in a relationship to keep it healthy either. It is not fair to her nor is it fair to yourself, to be in a relationship that is unhealthy. You need to simply either seek help (not meaning this in a bad way counseling etc and be willing to make sacrifices both of you that is) or simply face the music, which is know that you can not live like this any longer. Not only will you be miserable, but you will continue to dig yourself into a financial hole from the sounds of this which could in turn make matters even worse. This in turn will leeave you in a state of depression as well or simply cause more probs for you. I understand you care about her, but if you truly loved her and she truly loved you would have already both taken the time to sit down and try to come up with a solution. Communication is key in any relationship. Do not forget to utilize the tools you were given. If you unhappy you will continue to be unhappy so a change is a must either way you look at it. Good Luck to you.

Mr.Huge

Sigmund Roid · Oct 18, 2004

Bolo, after much thought and consulting with a Ph.D. friend of mine-

I have this input. First off, your problem is one shared by nearly all of us at one time or another. An unsatisfying relationship. Few meet and fall in love with someone, marry, an expirience no troubles along the way. Most of us have had a few relationships. So no one is judging you here.

I indicated this morning after reading your initial post that I immediately had some questions, some of which you'll probably wonder why I am asking. Please bear with me and I'll explain. Here are some of my questions.

1. If you did go to counseling, what would be your motive? Do you really think this marriage is worth saving or would you just be going in order to say 'hey, I even went to counseling'. If you were agreeing to go to counseling for the latter, I would advise you to save your money. Why go if you've really made up your mind that divorce is what you want?

2. What type of counselor would you see? Did you know there are many philosophies out there? I think many of them are really ineffective. When a prospecive counselor begins his masters program one of the first classes you take is THEORIES. After learning about ten different theories the prospective counselor is urged to pick a theory that makes the most sense to them. This will make a difference when you finally end up in someones office. If they thought that Freud's ideas were golden, then you are going to spend a lot of time searching the past to discover what traumatic event (such as seeing your mom naked when you were six years old) had upon you as an adult in your marriage. I didn't think there was much use in reliving old hurts and past sorrows or spending much time thinking about the dream you had last night, when dealing with problems people are expiriencing in the present.
I chose reality or choice therapy. I think it's the best one out there because it is quick and deals effectively with current behavior. Most of the time the client has the answers, but just needs see the right choices amidst all the emotional bullshit he/she is experiencing. In my opinion, go to a Choice Therapist. Call (818) 700-8000. They will put you in touch with someone qualified in your area, if you think the marriage is worth saving. (We can clear up some things right here for free!)
3. What images do you have in your ideal world? Shortly after birth we create images in our minds and continue to create and recreate them throughout life. These pictures are made up of specific pictures that portray, more than anything else we know, the best ways to satisfy one or more of our basic needs. What these pictures portray falls into a few catagories: a. the PEOPLE we most want to be with, b. the THINGS we most want to own or experience, and c. the IDEAS or SYSTEMS OF BELIEF that govern much of our behavior. Any time we feel very good, we are choosing to behave so that someone, something, or some belief in the real world has come close to matching a picture of that person, thing, or belief in our 'quality world'. For each of us, this world is a very personal. Our own Ideal Situation, a place where we would feel very good right now if we could move to it. If your current wife is not someone you'd want to include in this 'quality world' I wouldn't advise you to stay in an unsatifying relationship. Are you staying for her? From the sounds of it, she is unhappy too. If I was her, I would want my husband to find me attractive. I don't think you are doing her any favors in that regard. I am not attacking you, just digging for information. We can get this going in a direction that gives you some control and happiness in your life. I think we can choose to be miserable or not.

Bolo, please share some information by answering these questions here or on a pm if you are uncomfortable. Sharing them openly could help someone else who is going through the same situation!

Sigmund Roid

bolo · Oct 18, 2004

1) i'm confused about my relationship and i was thinking counseling will help me decide what i want to do,if nothing else to show her we tryied because if we do part i want it to be on good terms if posible,

2) she goes to church and talked to the priest about counseling and after i found out who he was i might second guess and wait till i can aford to pay for services from like someone your talking about

3) i've had women that fit the picture and now i just want someone i get along with, looks and size are not as important to me as they used to be but helps, also i want someone who is finacialy stable

we have been talking alot and now i realize how words hurt and stay with a person, even little coments, i would not say anything to avoid a fight and now i'm bringing it all to the table, some things i told her but she didn't listen or something, so now she's like why didn't you tell me how you felt, also our sex life, i miss a woman throwing her self on me and having hot wild sex and her enjoying it- like some others i know, when we had sex she never was aggesive and always cries about not haveing kids or tells me to hurry up it's starting to hurt and never a second helping so thats way i strayed to replace what i don't have at home that i need, so is it possible for her to get that way or even a little bit

Sigmund Roid · Oct 18, 2004

Bolo, that is good information.

Let me go over it here to summarize. (please jump in and make corrections when/if I am unclear in my thinking)

The picture you have in your mind doesn't sound unreasonable to me: You want a woman in your life who loves you, finds you sexually attractive, and contributes to the financial stability of the marriage. You aren't saying she has to look like a PLAYBOY centerfold.
Your WANTS and NEEDS:
Here is the reality of your situation as I understand it: You have been in a relationship where sex is withheld for seven years. When you do have sex it is as if she is doing you a favor. Regardless of her lack of sex drive, she hasn't bothered to think of your feelings enough to attempt to take care of your needs. (very normal needs) You have, out of loyalty, stayed in this miserable situation for seven years, the passion is gone, and you have had to resort to seeking an outlet for your sexuality with others. Additionally, your wife has chosen what is best for herself once again, in the financial realm of this marriage. All we can do is look at her actions, in spite of whatever she says! She is in no way putting the marriage above her needs, which is paramount if the marriage is to be harmonious. Her action in this area indicates she is not a team player. Now, you have a huge financial burden to go along with your torn emotional situation. Seven years have gone by and your positions have hardened. The best time to make postive changes in a relationship is when there is still some passion left.

Now, we have to take her out of the equation to a degree. Whose behavior can you control? You obviously can't control her. The only person you can control is yourself.

So you have a choice. What can you DO to move in the direction that brings you closer to the ideal picture in your mind of marriage. Do you really believe she can still be someone who fulfills the picture in your mind of a partner who you'd like to share the rest of your life with?

You are unhappy and have been for a long time. Here is my understanding (again, correct me if I am misunderstanding the situation) of what you have chosen to do so far, in terms of DIRECTION and DOING. a. You've been supportive of her condition. b. You've have attempted to show your interest in her sexually c. You have stayed in the marriage in hopes that things would somehow improve. d. You have sought to stay in the marriage by satisfying your normal sexual urges outside the marriage. e. You have argued with her out of frustration and anger. As I understand it, the above actions are what you've chosen to do so far.

Question: How has what you've been doing so far worked for you?

Question: Have the actions you've taken thus far brought you closer together or farther apart?

Question: If you came home tonight and found every one of her personal belongings gone, a note taped to your refridgerator saying "so long, I don't want to live like this anymore", would you be more relieved than unhappy?

Bolo, we are getting somethings headed in the right direction. If nothing else it helps to share it with someone and clarify your thoughts. I am not attackinng you in any way. I am on your side. I think under the circumstances you've been a better man than I would be. However, I hope you can agree that what you've done so far is NOT working. So I am just wondering how long you are going to continue pursuing a course of action that is NOT bringing you closer to your goals? What I am hoping you see here is that regardless of the financial situation, you still have choices. Some of them are hard, but so is what you've chosen to do so far! Very, very, hard.

I am interested in helping you to be a happier person.

bolo · Oct 19, 2004

sigmund i don't know how to thank you as you are realy helping me out here.

you are correct on the picture thing

she does collect unimployment but alot less money than if she would work, and that was my security or made me feel secure, the health ins, was the best, they payed like 1400 usd a month for us two( no kids) $5 scrips and almost free blood test,

she says i was not supportive of her in times of need, but i have a hard time dealing with people in that situation, i remember it diff. i bought books like think and grow rich- cyco cybrinetecs ? and many other good books to help change the way she felt and she never read them and said thats not what she needs so i stepped back and let her deal with it on her own, now she says all she wanted was a hug and to tell her everything will be fine

what i've been doing don't work at all and out of all this i understand why, here is a typicle drive from say a friends house late at night 20 miles away-- we get in the car and i say that guy drives me crazy - she says i'm tired of your negitve coments so keep them to your self -- it's late and i don't want to fight so i say nothing and lay the seat back( she's driving)for a rest--- and she locks the car up in the middle of the road and says get the fuck up now--- i say fuck you drive or get out -- she drives but like 5 mile per hour and tells me not to talk to her like that and on and on and on till wee morning

both of our actions have torn our relationship to pieces

i think i would first be relieved if she left and then later on may take years miss here a little or alot

all of this has made me understand and learn alot, we started off great and within two years started getting worse and now here we are

i think i can deal with everything and work it out but the sex thing and passion, they are so far gone, i mean i like a pussy that gets wet on it's own, and that will never be, and she was never agressive in bed, how can she change that?

her good things are no smoking,drinking,drugs(but ok with aas) has money makeing potential,cooks good,cleans, looks classy,we just pushed each other apart i guess,

Sigmund Roid · Oct 19, 2004

Bolo, thanks for the encouragement!

I just got back home and it's midnight here. You are an honest guy. Tonight I had three clients. One of which was very frustrating because she refused to honestly assess herself. Her issue was that her husband is 'non-verbal',. She can't get him to talk to her about important issues. When she tries to talk with him about the car payment, credit cards, etc. The guy just clams up and won't talk. It didn't take me long to figure out why the poor guy wont talk. He probably can't get a word in edge wize! She just kept talking and talking in circles, never considering her part in the problem. I could go on, but am in need of a rest. I am interested in continuing our talks. It really helps me as well.

Sigmund Roid