need some advice please

[MR.C]

I dated this girl for about three years and we just split up about two years ago because i was very addicted to drugs. thats the only reason we broke up. Well i have truned my life completely around and i have been clean ever since and we never stop talking..(we talk every day and never have not talked longer than two weeks at one time in a five year period) or having a sexual relationship. She has dated another guy since then that she thought she loved but he cheated on her. she hooked up with two other guys just because she liked them . i have hooked up with a couple of women myself but nothing serious or love just because she was dating that guy and the other hook up. i really want to get back together with her because i know we both love each other..she tells me she does but she says she scared of a relationship. What do i do because this is really starting to tear this relationship up? Is she hooking up with these guys because she feels like i am pressing her? when do i cut it off if i have too?

 

[Designbuilt]

The feelings that you get from the chemicals and hormones in a new relationship are addicting, you get a rush, a certain adrenaline-charged, euphoric feeling. Those occur mostly when you're a teenager some people get still them later in life, at the first signs of infatuation. I mentioned this because this is how you described her, if she "thought that she loved" the guy right after you.

Sometimes after a long relationship, you can get a similar feeling with a new one, and it can grow into what you mistake for love, because you want to get the previous relationship behind you, and/or you want it to be love so badly.

Was that the case with the first guy she dated after you? Maybe.
Did she really love you? It's hard to say.
Is she very young and you were one of first relationships? If yes, it could be that you were just an infatuation and she moved on, and now you are friends.

If you told her how you feel and she told you that she doesn't want a relationship, then dates other guys and you suspect it's to make you back off, then do it.

Here's why, she's probably having a hard time finding the words to tell you more bluntly and doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but is no longer interested in pursuing a relationship.

Backing off a little bit, will take some of the pressure off and maybe she will come around, maybe not.

But there's more chance of her liking you again if you don't seem so desperate and "there" You just can't make a woman love you,
infact the more you try, the more of an opposite effect it will have, I've seen it my whole life.

However, this is my observation and point of view and what I would and have done and what has worked for me.
There are others on this board much more qualified than I to help, as well as others with different point of views.


Good luck

 

[MR.C]

that does sound some what right but let me give some more details. we were engauged to be married then she finally broke it off because she was scared and didnt trust me becasue of the drugs..her dad and mom are very big addicts. she was 18 i was 20 she graduated with my brother and i knew about her for a long time. She just turned 22 a few days ago. she is a very careing person and she can hardly tell any one no. so should i tell her that im goin to stop talking to her and she can call when she feels comfortable again?should I back off and just call and check how things are goin with her and see if she will start missing me and wanting something again?

 

[Designbuilt]

that does sound some what right but let me give some more details. we were engauged to be married then she finally broke it off because she was scared and didnt trust me becasue of the drugs..her dad and mom are very big addicts. she was 18 i was 20 she graduated with my brother and i knew about her for a long time. She just turned 22 a few days ago. she is a very careing person and she can hardly tell any one no. so should i tell her that im goin to stop talking to her and she can call when she feels comfortable again?should I back off and just call and check how things are goin with her and see if she will start missing me and wanting something again?

Well, wait to see what others say, but Personally I wouldn't say shit, just do it.

Wait until she calls you. You don't tell someone that you're going to do something, you might as well, sit next to her on a bench and say "I'm ignoring you, look I'm ignoring you" J/K but let her call you, she's probably going to wonder what happened, then maybe you can tell her, but don't make any hasty moves, you have time.

Good luck

 

[MR.C]

she dated a guy before me and that was her first long relationship then me and then this guy that i believe was to fill in for me after she broke it off. we have talked about our feelings and she says she loves me but doesnt want anything with any body. but yet she sleeps with me and talks to me more then all these other guys and then has these random crushes? i just dont get it. im 22 and need to learn these things i really dont have any one to talk with on this subject.

 

[MR.C]

lol thats good bro i see where your coming from. but watch one? not talking at all or calling evry once in awhile?

 

[MR.C]

i just recently didnt talk to her for like a week straight because she pissed me off. she caled and left a message that she was sick really bad and wanted to see me. she had a bad sore thoart or some shit but started crying when she saw me? thats why im not getting any of this shit man im totally confused.

 

[Designbuilt]

Well, since you put it that way, I've had those kinds of relationships too. They were just sexual, hell sometimes they would come over without saying one word, unzip me, etc. etc. and leave not much talking, just "I gotta go" I loved it, because I had no feelings, at first I did, but we moved on and became I guess you can say benefits w/o friends.

Anyway, if you want that it's ok, but you seem to want something more, are you sure that you want more? I personally, have a hard time having both.

If I'm in a serious relationship, and it's agreed upon, it's exclusive, and that's that.

If either of us has sex with anyone else, in between, I call it quits.

I just can't handle that my mind plays way too many games for me to deal with it.

My kid brother was dating an asian porn star, I don't know how in the hell he would deal with it.

She stopped working, then started again and he was upset at first, but it didn't really bother him.

He said that it's all in the mind and how you perceive things. Don't mean to get off the subject, but that's just how I am, I can't be serious with someone who goes back and forth.

If you are ok with that, then it's fine, but if she is dating other guys, she just might not be ready to settle down, and you are way too young to consider marriage.

I got married at 26 and somewhat regret it, I love my son and my wife.

But I haven't had sex with anyone except for my wife for the last 8.5 years, it's getting to me, I'm always depressed, I can still have sex with the wife
twice per day, but then she goes telling people, they say that it's not normal, I'm almost afraid to ask her, and I guess I can see that she is tired from chasing my son around all day long, but we have different sex drives.

Sorry that I made this about me, but I'm giving you the low-down on what you should consider before marriage, I should have thought of this myself.
You are way too young and your mind is going to change a lot as you age,

Can it workout? Maybe, my older brother married at 21, he's been married for 21 years now, he's always happy.

You never know what will happen 10 years from now. Bottom line, if she knows you're there and is still looking around, it's for a reason.

 

[MR.C]

thats good info.. it's nothing that is just sexual but i think i just dont need to talk to her and let her figure out what she wants and make her come to me if she wants it or not...we both agree that we dont want to tie the knot anytime soon so...

 

[Designbuilt]

thats good info.. it's nothing that is just sexual but i think i just dont need to talk to her and let her figure out what she wants and make her come to me if she wants it or not...we both agree that we dont want to tie the knot anytime soon so...

Oh and don't get me wrong, I don't regret marrying my wife, I love her and my son and wouldn't trade them for anything, but I feel that I was a little too young, that's what I'm saying, just to clarify.

Good idea, you're way too young to think about marriage, I mean hell, if you still want after having a trial separation for some time that would be even better, because then you will both be sure. You had eachother then other people (in relationships and as company not just sexual of course) Yet came back to eachother.

But whatever you decide the best of luck and take your time, there's no rush, haste makes waste.

 

[MR.C]

thanks bro!! good advice!!!

 

[Richusa]

Bro If she has been around drug addicted people as you say, then there is going to be mistrust. Don't take this the wrong way, but your only 22, I think that what you said and been sober for what a year? Trust is very differcult to gain from people towards addicts especially if they have been around them.
It sounds as though you are very comfortable with her and she might work out better as a friend in the long run. But remember friends don't f--k friends. This is maybe a good time for you to work on yourself instead of working on a relationship. You have a whole life time of women ahead of you. Besides from the little bit of info that I've read it sounds as though she might have a few issues. This is what you might not wanted to hear, but as the saying goes,"this too shall pass". Hang in there

 

[njpooldude]

first i woudl like to say congradulations on your "clean time"

I myself am a recovering addict and its not an easy road.. but its a better way of life.

Like the grace of god worked to get u clean, it will also work in this relationship.

it may not be the way u want, but EVERYTHING happens for a reason, and if u truly believe in that, and know that god will ALWAYS do whats best.. u can be happy.

remember, just because something doesnt go the way YOU planned, doesnt mean its not going right...

One thing that helped me when i went through the same thing was, if u were that happy with her, imagine how happy ull be with the right girl... keep that faith brotha... and let things roll the way they should..

good luck and STAY CLEANNNNN!!!

 

[The Striated One]

I know it's hard, but I would say move on and look for greener pastures.

I hate to sound cold, but how much love can she have or really see having with you if she has other guys IN her..............she obviously doesn't feel the same way no matter what you might think.

Everything happens for a reason...............Bottom Line and most important, you're clean now and time to move on with your life.

Remember, there's over 3,000,000,000 other women out there

Gook Luck

 

[alecaf]

I know it's hard, but I would say move on and look for greener pastures.

I hate to sound cold, but how much love can she have or really see having with you if she has other guys IN her..............she obviously doesn't feel the same way no matter what you might think.

Everything happens for a reason...............Bottom Line and most important, you're clean now and time to move on with your life.

Remember, there's over 3,000,000,000 other women out there

Gook Luck

^^^ Agree!! Don't get cought up with one girl, you're still young and there are so many girls out there that will actually be willing to have a relationship with you.

Just did a search for how many girls in the world = 3,301,112,087
But then again you won't be meeting girls from north kore cuz they can't get out nor can you go in the country to meet them so = - 12,000,000 NK girls equals to

3,289,112,087 available girls in the world for you to meet.