Advice....Divorced woman and space....

FordTurboDiesel · Jul 3, 2010

Hey all.

Im in some territory I just can't get a good handle on. This woman is Beautiful in my eyes with a good heart but she's just coming out a divorce and she seems to change daily in her wants. I Know being married for 20 years and going through this has to be taxing to some degree. Im am obviously ignorant to it all as I have never been married.

Anywhoo..
We talk daily and spent what I would say is a, "Normal" amount of time with one another and when she's free I usually ask to see her, but more and more Ive been feeling her pull away. She also has 2 friends, a guy (who introduced us) and a girl who are both against her getting serious with anyone and are up her ass about dating and nothing else...NOW...Im certain there's good reason behind it, but her and her ex have pretty much been done for a couple years, so I am thinking...If you were really done and you met someone, why not see where it goes?

In fairness to her as she's pulled away I haven't handled things the best. I also believe her two buddies are using the situation to their advantage to keep her around. The girl is jealous in their friendship(referring to others that may take precedence over her) even though she's married and the guy was fine up until his GF canned him.

All of a sudden we're fine and during a conversation she just CHANGED. Like Jekyl and Hyde. SInce then it spiraled downhill and now she's wanted to cease communication. SO Im in a situation where I REALLY like the girl and don't know how to proceed, not proceed, or try to let her know that even though she's going through a crazy time I accept her for her. I think she flip flops around emotionally whether she really does want to be involved but then is influenced not to. I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE.

Im trying to make this reasonably understandable. IN a nutshell, I know she wants space but has cut me off. This is a girl who tell me how fortunate she is to have a friend like me. She tells me I'm out of her league (I HATE that), compliments me on everything...then like I said...It stopped.

From a woman's perspective can anyone guide me? Has anyone here gone through this, avoided being the rebound guy, and wound up back with the girl?

IM trying to stay in the picture and remain the potential. This is kind of Bitchy post, but I guess when you fall you fall....I guess Im not ready to take my ball and go home yet.

wasp · Jul 3, 2010

welcome to the world of older, nutty, "ive been hurt" women...........im 44 and yeah, its a fin nightmare

no blueprint to guide you bud,just gota go on your own, wear a cup

prime · Jul 3, 2010

Run Forest Run!!!

Jello · Jul 3, 2010

1 of 2 things...... Either she is just not ready, even after 2 years, or this is why she's divorced.

Either way you might want to start looking around for someone a little more stable. That is unless you want to be strung along.

Amazon Doll · Jul 4, 2010

How about she just doesn't like you that much?

OuchThatHurts · Jul 4, 2010

Sounds like you said or did at least something that triggered her reversal on you. It might be something you can figure out or you may never know (maybe even she doesn't).

Coming out of a 20-year relationship is not a good thing right now. It could be a while before she's comfortable with another guy. She might have realized that the two of you were getting close and hit the panic button.

I assume she was faithful so for her to have another relationship, she will have to get over that 'first time' thing all over again - all that anxiety and vulnerability etc...

TIME, bro... TIME

mexbeast · Jul 4, 2010

Amazon Doll said:
How about she just doesn't like you that much?

that's my thought, maybe she don't like you! why do we always try so hard to fix something broken, when you could just by something new that would be better? use your head not your emotions.

FordTurboDiesel · Jul 5, 2010

I'll be giving her space. It's al I can give her.

As far as her liking me....well, She's told me she thinks Im out of her league, tells me she loves talking to me and can sit there and not say a word and be totally content with me. She smothers me with affection when we go out and it doesn't matter where we are or who we're around. It's the sickly, hardcore, "get a room" kind of affection.

My take on this after a couple days going by.

1. 20 years committed to her husband and she's never gone out. Her husband from what she says was rather manipulative. (one side of the story)

2. She has been experimenting with online dating and to be honest...she's probably like a kid in a candy store and can't control herself. She's highly attractive, a fitness instructor, and wears all the "right" clothes. Im sure she's getting a ton of attention she's not used to.

3. ALong comes me who doesn't really put up with shit and I call her out when I sense something is off kilter. She's done some things here or there that bothered me and I brought it up. I feel I have the right to, but typically, she comes across disconnected to how I feel. She has that whole, "Im single", not married anymore attitude.

4. Im almost certain there is another, "toy" in the picture. Ironically I have seen a new name come up on her facebook and I click and there's a dude that looks almost like me. Fits the same criteria anyway. SO...just reading a couple of their remarks to one another set the red flag off today. The real ironic thing is I have a couple other (girl) friends that have dated this same guy and I guess he's the serial dater type and has profiles scattered all over the place. Needless to say...I won't subject myself to this shit. I deleted her profile this morning. Too much texting, to much chatting...it's all BS. Its' so impersonal it's no wonder people are fucked up.

Really. It's neither here nor there at this point. Im just afraid that she's so naive that she's gonna get fucked over royally. Even if it's not with me, I want her to be happy, but it's been a long time since I met someone who met my criteria and influenced me the way she has. Im not going out of my mind over it. Yeah...Im hurt a little, but Im not overwhelmed by it. I chatted very breifly with her this morning on Gchat just to say, "Hi" and seh pretty much stuck to her guns that she's not looking for what I am at this time. I have to respect that.

So, rather than write a book, I think in a nutshell, we hit some rocky road, a new guy stepped in and presented her with some more excitement. I think they're are probably having enough fun that she doesn't want to involve herself with me right now...THAT...I can't work with. In the meantime I did send her a card with a letter asking her to reconsider our friendship at least.

It just blows my mind that Im sexy, out of her league and she can't keep her hands off me one week.....we have disagreement over a text, and now she has moved on and won't consider seeing me....fucked...but I can't do anything but kick back now and see who I can meet...Its rare I meet a girl I like...like YEARS....

ericraven2003 · Jul 5, 2010

FordTurboDiesel said:
I'll be giving her space. It's al I can give her.

As far as her liking me....well, She's told me she thinks Im out of her league, tells me she loves talking to me and can sit there and not say a word and be totally content with me. She smothers me with affection when we go out and it doesn't matter where we are or who we're around. It's the sickly, hardcore, "get a room" kind of affection.

My take on this after a couple days going by.

1. 20 years committed to her husband and she's never gone out. Her husband from what she says was rather manipulative. (one side of the story)

2. She has been experimenting with online dating and to be honest...she's probably like a kid in a candy store and can't control herself. She's highly attractive, a fitness instructor, and wears all the "right" clothes. Im sure she's getting a ton of attention she's not used to.

3. ALong comes me who doesn't really put up with shit and I call her out when I sense something is off kilter. She's done some things here or there that bothered me and I brought it up. I feel I have the right to, but typically, she comes across disconnected to how I feel. She has that whole, "Im single", not married anymore attitude.

4. Im almost certain there is another, "toy" in the picture. Ironically I have seen a new name come up on her facebook and I click and there's a dude that looks almost like me. Fits the same criteria anyway. SO...just reading a couple of their remarks to one another set the red flag off today. The real ironic thing is I have a couple other (girl) friends that have dated this same guy and I guess he's the serial dater type and has profiles scattered all over the place. Needless to say...I won't subject myself to this shit. I deleted her profile this morning. Too much texting, to much chatting...it's all BS. Its' so impersonal it's no wonder people are fucked up.

Really. It's neither here nor there at this point. Im just afraid that she's so naive that she's gonna get fucked over royally. Even if it's not with me, I want her to be happy, but it's been a long time since I met someone who met my criteria and influenced me the way she has. Im not going out of my mind over it. Yeah...Im hurt a little, but Im not overwhelmed by it. I chatted very breifly with her this morning on Gchat just to say, "Hi" and seh pretty much stuck to her guns that she's not looking for what I am at this time. I have to respect that.

So, rather than write a book, I think in a nutshell, we hit some rocky road, a new guy stepped in and presented her with some more excitement. I think they're are probably having enough fun that she doesn't want to involve herself with me right now...THAT...I can't work with. In the meantime I did send her a card with a letter asking her to reconsider our friendship at least.

It just blows my mind that Im sexy, out of her league and she can't keep her hands off me one week.....we have disagreement over a text, and now she has moved on and won't consider seeing me....fucked...but I can't do anything but kick back now and see who I can meet...Its rare I meet a girl I like...like YEARS....

I think being married for so long is the issue. Not necessarly you. The last thing I would want after such a long relationship would be even a semi serious relationship. I think most people would want something very casual for a long time. I think you met her at the wrong time. Don't waste your time just move on.

OuchThatHurts · Jul 5, 2010

ericraven2003 said:
I think being married for so long is the issue. Not necessarly you. The last thing I would want ever such a long relationship would be even a semi serious relationship. I think most people would want something very casual for a long time. I think you met her at the long time. Don't waste your time just move on.

Gotta agree with this. 20 years man!

mexbeast · Jul 6, 2010

well, if you are so fkn hot and good looking, why the hell are you wasting your time and energy with that shit?

FordTurboDiesel · Jul 6, 2010

mexbeast said:
well, if you are so fkn hot and good looking, why the hell are you wasting your time and energy with that shit?

Can't say I feel that way about myself man. Just relaying whats she's told me. I am moving on. She's needs space and I won't take that, or attempt to take that from her. Whatever she thinks she needs to experience will happen with or without me. Best thing for my sanity if to lay low and try to move on. It's just not often I feel like I find someone worthwhile, however...I guess I was wrong in thinking she was. She'll need some time to find herself.

Im not a serial dater. Im a pretty old school guy. One girl at a time, and where I am, normal ones are scarce....so..back to the same old routine for me...fucking Uggg, is all I got to say...LOL

wasp · Jul 6, 2010

they all tell you this, its reverse psychology, tho they arent very good at it, shes trying to make you admire her.................just piitb and move on

wrought · Jul 6, 2010

FordTurboDiesel said:
Can't say I feel that way about myself man. Just relaying whats she's told me. I am moving on. She's needs space and I won't take that, or attempt to take that from her. Whatever she thinks she needs to experience will happen with or without me. Best thing for my sanity if to lay low and try to move on. It's just not often I feel like I find someone worthwhile, however...I guess I was wrong in thinking she was. She'll need some time to find herself.

Im not a serial dater. Im a pretty old school guy. One girl at a time, and where I am, normal ones are scarce....so..back to the same old routine for me...fucking Uggg, is all I got to say...LOL

Walk away bro, you can't fight 20 years and if you get the chance to occasionally stay in contact with her (don't push it, she'll probably be the one to come back to you after she gets fucked around on) I'm going to bet my nickle that you'll find out your initial impressions of her weren't as accurate as you might have hoped.

rippedfreak123 · Jul 6, 2010

its a tough call bro. i got with my g/f who had just gotten out of a relationship 2 months before(2 year relationship, not 20..lol). she was still hurt but we clicked off the second we met and were rediculously attached since then. had incredible comfortability with each other. i had never experienced that shit before. but again, with that comes some consequences, just know that you have to have alot of trust and bite your tongue alot of times, and just chose your battles, cuz im sure theres still strings attached there, as far as him maybe contacting her at times and some old memories(pictures with them) you might one day find somewhere since it was so recent. as for the whole socialising, nah, mine never wss into the whole Facebook and shit but again, it could be tough, and if your not secure and strong, it can be a bumpy road. best thing to do is give her some space(which sucks ass) and let her realize shit..and if she comes back, its for a reason. as the old phrase goes "if you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you its yours, if it doesnt, it never was"..gay, but its true

cpesloco · Jul 6, 2010

I would not have deleted her profile to be honest I think that's a bit childish and and shows some immaturity. I would have left her as a friend and continued my life letting her see what she is missing. This is your typical he who cares the least wins. I can pretty much guarantee she is not ready for a serious relationship and was probably feeling the walls close in, not to mention added attention from others interested caused the flip flop. it's called uncertainty, she doesn't know what she wants, all she knows is life how she knew it for 20 years is over. Now the world is a play ground until she gets bored or hurt.
good luck bro

animalsd · Jul 7, 2010

no man/woman is out of your league... thats such a cop out bullshit line (not directed at you per se)

Get her off this pedestal you put her on and go find someone who appriciates you for you and doesn't play these games.

daddy_lover · Jul 8, 2010

Only date girls 25 or less.

FordTurboDiesel · Jul 8, 2010

cpesloco said:
I would not have deleted her profile to be honest I think that's a bit childish and and shows some immaturity. I would have left her as a friend and continued my life letting her see what she is missing. This is your typical he who cares the least wins. I can pretty much guarantee she is not ready for a serious relationship and was probably feeling the walls close in, not to mention added attention from others interested caused the flip flop. it's called uncertainty, she doesn't know what she wants, all she knows is life how she knew it for 20 years is over. Now the world is a play ground until she gets bored or hurt.
good luck bro

Thanks Bro. You know. I deleted her profile for my own benefit, not out of any anger. I just didn't want to be tied to her profile. Sure Id like to know whats going on but if she wanted to cut ties for now, then to me that's part of it. I was concerned about how it may be percieved, but at the same time, I still see her on my gchat and she has my number. It's not like we can't touch base in the future if we want to. Im just trying to pull away to the point where, Im here, but she doesn't still have direct exposure to my life or me to hers. I suppose I could have blocked her...but I was thinking at the time. She can percieve it anyway she wants to. There's a point where I can't be walking on eggshells with someone though if that how they're going to read it.

animalsd said:
no man/woman is out of your league... thats such a cop out bullshit line (not directed at you per se)
Get her off this pedestal you put her on and go find someone who appriciates you for you and doesn't play these games.

I agree. I never liked it when she said that. Although very flattering, its the kind of thing that made me cringe. I think so much more highly of her. She's not on a pedestal. She's just in a position where I care about her and would love to rectify things with her. Im simply asking for advice and I have it and agree with it. She needs her space and I have my own life to live. Thanks

daddy_lover said:
Only date girls 25 or less.

If all I wanted was sex that would work. Already been there in my past. Although fun in some ways, young girls have far more to learn about life and are baggage too.

daddy_lover · Jul 8, 2010

FordTurboDiesel said:
If all I wanted was sex that would work. Already been there in my past. Although fun in some ways, young girls have far more to learn about life and are baggage too.

Gotta be honest with you, in my experience single, older women have FAR more baggage than a young lady. It seems like your love interest falls in to that category.