Need your opinion

[name_here]

Hey guys and gals. I'm new here and really like the site, especially this forum because it is unusual but very cool.

Anyway, I am looking for a little clarity about me and girl (what else right?).

Background: I'm 28 had one serious relationship before this one and it bombed. She was very wild and she soon started hanging out with other guys and doing who knows what, lying, ignoring me acting like nothing was wrong, etc. Lesson learned. I am also very reserved, not outgoing at all, don't like to drink, party, etc and never did. I am a fun loving guy and will always try to do the smart and right thing.

The new girl is 19, very affectionate, bit of a temper and can be demading although I am establishing my boundaries. She wants to get married very quickly (I'm trying to slow her down because she is so young) and also wants a family. I actually started dating her because she wants a family and that is very big to me. Also, she is very outgoing and doesn't move near as slow as I do in life.

Ok, with the first girl (24y/o btw) being such a liar and a cheater I tend to look out for anyone who might be the same - I am actually a bit paranoid because of it. The thing is I never caught her but everyone knew what was going on and it just broke my heart and made me fell worthless. I never dated much so I look at relationships more as something to REALLY be taken care of and would never cheat or even fool around.

What bothers me day to day is constant jokes about sex, other guys and how hot they are, etc. That kind of thing. Her and her Mom do have this mean streak about them so that could be the source of that. She does say things just to be mean and my type of personality takes that very hard and she is too immature and stubborn to do much about it. Maybe in time she will come around and I will grow a set (need some HCG, LOL).

She is VERY flirty but I tell myself she doesn't realize the danger in it. She had a married guy TOTALLY come on to her after many months of hanging out and being friends (hung out with his wife also, nothing sketchy as far as I knew). He started to call a lot and came over without being invited one day and basically told her how in love with her he was and started to be very touchy, etc. She asked him to leave and called me right away in tears. She just doesn't realize that when you're young, blonde and attractive that guys tend to see one thing: A chance at a piece of pussy. But if she wanted something from a guy, she knows she can get it.

Her family is all very close knit and I think this says a lot (the first girl's parents where divorced and I think she had issues because of it). I really think she wants to do the right thing but in today's world people just take relationships for granted and sex is something to be taken lightly. Her parents have been together for 20+ years and you can tell they love each other. Her mother is affectionate towards her dad so I can see where she gets that.

I should also mention that the new girl had one serious relationship before me (3 years), and jumped straight from him to me. Totally "in love' with us both but they were apart for sometime about a year ago. During this time she had a summer where she went wild, going to parties, staying out and lying about where she was and had sex with 4 different guys in 2 months. She really regrets that and has told me more then once how she wishes I was here first, etc. Still, it fit with her personality, you couldn't really be shocked. I can't judge because I had a streak where I was with 3 girls in about that amount of time (it actuall stopped with her) although I dated every girl for a short period before doing anything. So, I'm not perfect either but the fact that she was doing that with different people at parties, etc bothers me. She was only 18.

She doesn't drink (doesn't like the taste) but her cousin does (they are best friends) and I know with her moving out of the house, etc that they will tear up the club and party scene soon but I'm sure it won't be something she will stick with. Still, her past history and her very flirty attitude makes me very nervous about what could happen. I simply can't accept being decieved and cheated on but the name of that game is not getting caught. Have your fun and go home to daddy.

So that is where I'm at. Do I have a girl who simply needs to grow up some and really all we need is time? Or am I repeating the same mistake as I did the first time? Again, she is 19 and is very emotional. She has a selfish streak and it even manifested like this one time: She ran away from home and before moving in with her grandmother, she stayed in hotels for a few days not calling anyone at all. This happened a second time with her grandmother just one week after moving in. She doesn't seem to take other people's feeling into consideration which is funny because I have been "in the dog house" for getting my hair cut "too short". Lol

Sorry to be such a bother, it just makes my mind go wild sometimes.

Thanks everybody. I hope I can help somebody on here one day also. I hope to be around from time to time.

Later

 

[name_here]

Oh, I also wanted to add this little situation:

The first girl started haning out with an older, unattractive, married guy and soon he was her "buddy" and I was the reliable future husband material type. They spent more time together then we ever did and soon it became clear I was the guy who she just wanted as a f-buddy. Cruel how you can tell someone how much you love them and in the end that is what it was about.

The new girl has the same type she met at an old job and it is almost everyday that they talk on the phone and she mentioned a few times out of meaness how they were going to hang out and I wasn't allowed to go. I don't think they have although there was one night she didn't answer my phone call or return my voice mail and was actually on the phone with him when I called and she ended up coming home at 7am (she has basically moved in, stupid I know). She said she spent the night with a friend and her phone died. If they did want to hang out I'm fine with it but invite me and lets go have a good time and watch him get drunk til the wee hours of the night, his favorite pastime apparently. Dont keep me out of it.

Most of these conversations occur when I'm not around. Again, much older, married and unattractive but I think that doesn't matter as much to women as it does men. He is a "country boy" and she likes that. She is "country" herself, a bit of a hick which I like, and sees me as much more sophisticated but someone who will take care of her, a huge need for her. I think she may just want a friend like that and doesn't want me to interfere so it's easier to lie just enough or keep it from me. I can't imagine she would cheat on me with him but I know some people like their secrets and it makes it feel special, etc. He is just so dopey looking.

I just wanted to mention that as well.

 

[buffbabeca]

IMO if you are having this much concern this early on then u need to rethink your choice... you got in the dog house for cutting your hair too short.. that is BS.. its YOUR hair.. she should like you for YOU not your hair

 

[name_here]

Well, consider this thread closed. I found out tonight that she slept with the very guy that I talked about in my second post. She went up there only to hang out with the guys as she has liked to do since she was little and he kept at it until he got what he wanted. She knows what she has lost and is trying real hard to get it back but it isn't going to happen if for no other reason then she needs to learn a lesson. I care about her enough to really hope for that but I'm too hurt to stay with her.

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!! Even though this is like the shortest thread ever please remember that.

And if you are ever thinking about cheating or even letting that temptation come your way like she did please reconsider because I feel so empty inside right now. I'll be ok though.

I've had two serious relationships and have been cheated on quick both times. I really feel sorry for people wanting to be in a relationship now days, it's so freaking pathetic, but I am going to sit back and look at things for a while and not jump into anything. I'm also going to look for morals first and have the guts to make judgement calls like Judge Judy when it comes to who I give my heart too.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and thanks to Buffbabeca for replying.

 

[VNV]

You've put way too much thought into this little girl. She must be quite the cutie for you to analyze the situation this much.

She is 19 years old. The relationships we get into when we're teenagers don't last. They're not suppose to last. It's practice. It's fun. It's something to do. Sure, she says she wants a family and everything, but at 19, you're just too young to know what you're going to do in life, who you're going to be, and what you really want.

My advice is to take a step back. I know you're the kind of guy to take these things seriously. But, if she acts her age, and it sounds like that's what she's doing, things will end up like they do for most relationships that start at 19 years old, and you'll just be some boyfriend she had back when she was a teenager, and that will be of hardly any consequence to her life.

You've got almost a decade of life experience over her. That's almost 50% more time on earth than she has had. You need to leverage that buddy, big-time, and get the upper hand. Taking a step back and realizing she's just a little girl is the first step.

 

[BOOMSHAKER]

VNV hit the nail on the head, SHE WAS 19YRS OLD! What did you expect a rocket scientist here?

 

[name_here]

You guys are right. She has more experience with long term-relationships then myself but I am very mature compared to her for obvious reasons. Still, I was waiting for her to grow up and wasn't sure if she would do anything in the mean time but that mystery is solved. I mean, people do meet at that age still and get married happily ever after, blah blah blah so I don't feel like a fool for even trying but 19 years old is the answer for many of my questions.

I hurt very much right now but I'm sure I will be ok pretty quickly. Thanks again for replying.

 

[OuchThatHurts]

She has more experience with long term-relationships then myself

How could a teenager have any experience with long-term relationships? Maybe you both have none but she couldn't have more! I think your recent relationship proves that.

I agree with what you said earlier about looking for morals, etc. More than just morals though, look for an entirely different kind of girl and you'll probably be much happier.

 

[maxsupplements]

too young!

I MYSELF JUST finished a little something similar without all the dang sleeping around....

she was 21..... and yea. it was toooooo much dang drama....

you did however say one thing that stood out to me....

she is 19 and you mentioned she flirts not KNOWING what she is doing.... well, see what happened? she was probably flirting innocently, and this older dude took advantage of it.....

see, its the inexperience you are dealing with her.. she is just inexperienced, and immature. thats basically it.

get away from that little girl, and get you a woman that knows what she wants in life, with some drive, some ambition. all the 19yo is thinking about is the next outfit she is going to wear, or the next time she is going out with her girlfriends......

trust me, it was a good thing that happened.. you are single now, and dont have to put up with the BS!

 

[name_here]

OTH, what I meant was this: This is my longest relationship (4 months). She was in a 3 year relationship before this. I didn't really mean to say she was more experienced with life, I just mentioned that as a little fact I guess. Needless to say I am much more experienced in life and that shows everyday with us.

MaxSupp,

You are exactly right. I'm pretty sure it's not that she is a big whore or anything like that, although it would be easy to label her as that. She just doesn't realize what people are like and I don't say that to defend what she did. I have just noticed, even before this that she is real naive and doesn't grasp things fully like you become similar to the company you keep and "harmless" flirting etc just leads to trouble.

Our status now is we are still talking but she knows I don't feel the same and probably never will. I told her it would take 10 years before I felt I could trust her enought to be comfortable and that is if everything was fine from now until then. She begged and begged with real sincerity to have a second chance and to at least not kick her completely out of my life. I have forgiven her and I would really like to see her turn things around for herself. Only she can do that though, I can't help much, if at all. I really do care for her and love her That doesn't mean we have to be a couple and get married etc because it's not the same as it was before. I hope that makes sense and doesn't make me look like a fool. She knows I reserve the right to kick her ass to the side like a piece of trash and never look back if she continues to be questionable in her actions. It very nearly happened this time. I think if anything happened again she would just leave and save me the effort. I guess Im defending myself against accusations of being a fool and want to be seen as compassionate and forgiving (which I am) and for people to realize I am in control now.

It is at the point where I will be looking around and if I just am not happy with this girl in the next few months once the initial shock, anger and pain have worn off then I will decide to move on and she knows it. After talking with my Dad who knows the situation very well he agreed that it was a way of forgiving someone without being "stuck" with them and handing the power back to them, giving them a free pass. I know he wants me to move on but understands the compassion involved. I don't want to hold it over her head you understand, she just knows I will walk if I am just going to be miserable.

Thanks

 

[OuchThatHurts]

OTH, what I meant was this: This is my longest relationship (4 months). She was in a 3 year relationship before this. I didn't really mean to say she was more experienced with life, I just mentioned that as a little fact I guess. Needless to say I am much more experienced in life and that shows everyday with us.

Oh I'm sure you are. I'm not trying to give you a hard time. I'm just trying to get a perspective on this. If she's 19 now, than I guess her 3 year relationship was from 15-18? or 14-17? See what I'm saying? That's not relationship experience. That's high school. Now if the year was 200 AD, I'd say that maybe it counts. But in the 21st century, it doesn't count for much. Perhaps you can tell by the way she acted in your relationship or maybe you know something of her last boyfriend and how they were together. They were just children really. That's all I was trying to say.

 

[name_here]

Oh, Ok. I understand what you meant now. I was on the defensive for sure

From what I understand her first boyfriend (16-19) didn't help matters much and it was high school drama all the way from both of them. She has said she has calmed down some while we have been together and that is my usual effect on people. I tend to calm them down. People rarely get upset at me, even over the phone when they can't see my size.

Anywho, I really hope I am doing the right thing by giving her a second chance. Experience tells me that history usually repeats itself but we will see. **** It would help to hear or read success stories of affairs, etc that were worked out and where the couple came out happy in the end, many years later. **** I have never heard of such a story, not that I've searched for one either. I know she is trying real hard but you just never know what goes through peoples minds. I think my intuition will tell me if something is up. I can smell shit a mile away.

Thanks again everybody. It helps just to type this stuff out.

 

[oldfella]

name here, For what it's worth I say you look elsewhere for a more settled woman just as suggested. hey don't get me wrong here as a man it would be nice to have some dolly bird hanging all over you. But in reality what can she really offer you except some young ass?? She has no real life experience, she came out of a HS romance (kids stuff) and you expect her to be mature? I don't think so. She has absolutely no idea about a real true relationship in the adult world. You say she flirts and does know what she's doing......I say Bullshit. She knows exactly what she's doing and knows that all she has to do is wave that sweet young P***y in someone face and it's on. My two cents bro is cut her loose and move on. You are setting yourself up for a fall. Personally I hope I'm way off, I really do but somehow I don't think so. Good luck.

 

[name_here]

Yeah, you're mostly right. but I think I'll be ok. I talked to my Dad and I told him I am in the position where if she wants to come around I'll help her but if she goes back to her ways, maybe starts talking to the guy again, etc then I will gladly leave and not have any reason to stay because I am giving her a second chance right now. I am not in a position to take a fall as much as you would think with that attitude.

I may be setup to fall if I end up getting married and then she turns back or worse yet she gets pregnant now. That could very well be something she might want, something to keep me for her own selfish reasons. Not so much a cynical move on her part but more of another stupid, selfish, emotion driven move. Then there would be a "forced" marriage, possible divorce, kids being drug through hell. Anyway, I am in control of that. It was hard before to resist at times, but not now. Let her get mad, I'm looking out for myself. I'm learning a lot from this.

Well, I'm back in the gym for the first time in a week!! Gotta run