relationship/life advice

[ssdark1]

so, my girlfriend is currently going through a pretty nasty divorce and has been our entire relationship and all the bullshit is really starting to get to me. i love her. shes beautiful, smart, funny, trustworthy, and just an all around great girl that i would love to build a life with but her life situation is really affecting my emotional stability. there are 2 wonderful little girls involed that i have completely fallen for that shes currently going through a custody battle for. her ex is trying to use our relationship against her in any way he can. he thinks that if it wasnt for me he would have her and his family back by now and he's probably right. the last thing i want is to be the thing that comes between her and her daughters, he actually hired a private investigator and has video of me staying the night. she is so scared and i feel like a total ass for allowing myself to be in this situation.
reading back over this last paraghraph i realized that i might come off as a selfish home wrecker but her ex is a manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive piece of shit. he doesnt even care about the 2 little girls, all he wants is his hot wife back. she has been trying to leave him for a long time but always ends up going back bc of financial difficulties. she deserves better and i want to make that possible for her but sometimes i think id be better off walking away. very conflicted and would appreciate any feedback advice or similar experiences...

 

[Designbuilt]

That's a very tough situation. OK, let's say that it was worth you staying. First off, he can use the fact that you stayed over against her. His lawyer probably advised him to hire the P.I.

But let's just suppose that this wasn't even the case at all. Let's imagine that she was already divorced, and you were dating her. That is fine if there is nothing written in the Divorce decree specifically forbidding people of the opposite sex sleeping over when the children are present.

But he will have a visitation schedule with the girls, which he will follow in order to have as much contact with her as possible. Next, he will keep tabs on her to make sure that she doesn't slip up, mainly the girls grades in school, they have to pass, or he can petition for a change of custody. In short, he will do what ever he can to try to make trouble for her, and he will do so until they turn 18.

Most courts ask the children once they are about 16. You really shouldn't be playing the part of savior, unless you are really sure that you want to stay with this woman.

Even if you are sure, there is going to be a lot of trouble back and forth until they turn 18. If you decide to fight back and get a lawyer, guess what?

The lawyers are in on it together, they will continue the case until both of you are broke. Keep in mind that the lawyers may act as if they are fighting for you, they are there to make money and drag it on as long as possible.

When they do, the judge calls in a G.A.L. (guardian Ad Litem) These sons of bitches, charge a fortune! They are court appointed attorneys for the children, they talk to the children directly to ask what they want. The thing is that judges usually don't like to see children in court, so they will appoint a supposedly impartial attorney (G.A.L) and guess what? He/she also wants to make money!

Shit at the end of the day they all sit together and laugh at how much money they took from the partys and probably take vacations together. These are the real sharks who make tons of money praying on the misfortune and fears of people.

The only hope that she may have is probably contacting the Bar association. I've never dealt with them, but I hear that they may give you a lawyer to represent you pro-bono. But I wouldn't count on that.


In the end ask yourself it this will be worth it?

(I'm speaking from previous experience I obviously didn't make all this shit up!)

 

[thebrick]

I too have been through a really ugly divorce that involved another person. I am going to give you the cold hard facts straight up as the law sees them in most US states.

1) You are having a affair with a married woman.
2) Your opinion of her husband has nothing to do with anything. Whether he is good to her or not does not make it your business. She is married to him until that divorce degree is signed and approved by the court.
3) Her husband is being aggressively advised by his lawyer to protect his assets and any shit they can dig up against her (you) WILL be used against her. This WILL be used in intimidating her, questioning her rights to be the custodial mother, and the final settlement negotiations (ie; property, child custody, and possible alimony).

So, if its already not too late, if you truly care for this woman and her children and want the best legal outcome possible for her, you will make yourself very, very scarce until she is a single woman again and free of this very expensive and emotionally exhausting legal war called divorce.

 

[ssdark1]

thanks guys. im 28 and always try to heed the advice of those w more experience. i agree w the statement that i shouldnt try to play the role of saviour, ive told myself this many times. it is tough when your so emotionally entangled and she really is one of a kind. not making excuses for myself as i know that my presence is causing her problems and im def going to be making myself scarce. she was to the point w him where they were both dating other people and he was cool w it and then all of sudden he has an issue w me specifically, so its not like we were just being totally careless. still i feel like a complete ass for putting her in this situation. anyone have any custody experiences to share?

 

[thebrick]

anyone have any custody experiences to share?

Laws in most states will give the mother custody preference, unless it can be proved she is unfit or endangers the children in some way. The husband and wife can agree to joint custody if that is what they would prefer. Or I have seen the mother give up her custody rights in exchange for more money in the settlement (not joking on this)

 

[Designbuilt]

I agree with the above, but if the mother gives up custody, that would require her to pay child support. The court can make her get a job if she's not working, she will have to report to the court once per week, unless her new husband, boyfriend wants to pay an agreed upon child support amount. Unless of course the husband waives the Child support, but that's rare, he can change his mind, and with two children it's 25% of the non-costodial parents income from all sources.

Furthermore, there is a two year cooling off period once custody is established, unless there is a substantial change in circumstances, like the mom is in an abusive relationship (new one), she drinks and/or does drugs, it affects the children, they fail to pass their grades, etc.

The court also appoints someone to inspect the homes of both parties, to see how suitable it is for the children, proximity of schools, room in the home, cleanliness, food, etc.


I agree that the mom is usually given preference in the custody of minor children, but it depends on how the children are doing, if the mom drinks, does drugs, etc.

But again it depends on how it affects the children. I've heard of cases where one spouse killed the other and was still given custody of the children, it depends on the state and the facts of each individual case, who's side the G.A.L. is on, and who has more money to spend on continuous legal fees and wears the other one out.

I was involved with this kind of bullshit, for 3 years, it took two attorneys, I started with one, went to another (less expensive) then back to the first one, who was much better.

Two different G.A.L's in total it ran close to $200K!, (I was trying to play the role of Savior) Trust me, IT'S NOT WORTH IT! Unless you're very wealthy. The guy who went up against me, is still paying attorney fees this was back in 2000, and he still owes.

So this will really ruin your life. Stay away at least until she is divorced, even then if this guy wants to be a dick, you have to watch your step, because he can always petition for a change of custody, even if it's BS, if his attorney is good, the judge will listen and drag it on, she will have to go to court, and that sucks.