relationship woes... need serious help.

[saint808]

i am slowly losing everything... and the one thing in my life that is seriously hurting right now is my relationship. My girlfriend is even sleeping in a different room for a while now. She says everything would be fine if i didn't smother her.... but the affection is completely gone and in a catch 22... the more i push the further she goes. If i as much as bring it up she says we keep having that conversation over and over and she is sick of it. I think she is merely using me for whatever it is she is using me for. Maybe I am just paranoid, but when she won't even sleep in the same bed as me there has to be a problem, right?

 

[saint808]

i just want to know if it is a lost cause and if i am in denial.

 

[Viviana]

"Don't make someone your priority when they only make you their option."

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Saint, there is definitely a problem with the relationship you are describing.

That is my opinion of course. You mention that you have some other problems as well but you've identified the main issue is the unsatisfactory relationship with your girlfriend. The thing to remember is- whose behavior can you control? Right, only yours. When you attempt to control someone else you usually encounter resistance. She says she feels smothered, so give her some room. If you continue to make demands that she is unwilling to address then you will drive her away. What do you think caused these feelings she is having? What can YOU do to change that behavior? Honesty usually works. Possibly tell her that you are sorry for your insecure behavior and that you'll do your best to work on those areas. Make sure you are willing to make those changes before you make that statement though. Find out if she thinks the relationship is worth saving. if she indicates that it is not, do not attempt to get her to stay. Be nice and wish her well. I have some other questions.

Why do you think she liked you enough to move in with you in the first place? [evidently you do have some good qualities, focus on those!]
When did the problems in the relationship first begin?
Whose apartment or house is it?
Do you share the cost of the bills?
What else are you losing in your life? [ I hope you are not really losing everything, Saint. ]

 

[Sigmund Roid]

Saint, I was reading through some of your posts brother!

Somewhere along the way you started telling yourself negative things and have accepted them as fact. In the first post I mentioned the few things you can control in life. Those are your THOUGHTS and BEHAVIORS. Did you know that your behavior can actually affect your feelings? Yes, it's true! Studies have been done that show smiling and laughing actually change your biochemistry! Saint, harness this power to help get control of the way you view yourself, your situation and ultimately your happiness.
Right now you are probably saying something like, "yeah, okay asshole that's easy to say, now how do I put it into practice?" The answer to that is PRACTICE! You have to dispute all that negative crap you've been listening to and telling yourself. Here are some phrases you could practice telling yourself:

[No matter how important I make being loved by a specific person, I realize that there are other important people that I can love and be loved by. Yes some!]

[I often like the company of others but can be quite happy when I am completely alone. I can often be my own best friend!]

[Even when the worst things happen, I can practically always stand it, still remain alive, and still, again, find some happiness in living, if I stongly convince myself that I can!]

[I may often think, feel, and act foolishly, stupidly, and neurotically but I never, never am a fool, a worm, or a rotten dambnable person. I never am what I do-even if I wrongly think I am!]

Saint you could also attempt a little humor with a statement like,

[If the Martians ever land here on Earth and are sane, they will die laughing at how a bright person like me can often act so foolishly! I'd better learn to laugh with them!]

The idea behind this is to debate, argue, dispute all the self defeating things you've been telling yourself. Let me know if you plan to give it a try. I hope some of this helps you out, Saint. We all have self doubts and this board is a good anonymous place to share those feelings.

 

[brandonjpowell]

I feel you bro...

Bro, I understand your plight!

It sounds like she's found another man, or is at least starting to get feelings for another man. Does she work with a man or have allot of male friends?

My wife started acting similar to your girlfriend shortly after we lost everything in flooding on September 17, 2004. She started acting distant and never wanted to have sex. We slept in the same bed but might as well have been miles apart.

Well, she goes to Orlando for a Nuclear Medicine conference with her boss, and when she comes back I find Opera Tickets in her purse and a note that says "Baby, I love you" written on the hotel stationary from where she stayed.

Her boss is a man!!

The entire week she would treat me like shit until the Friday she came home. Then she was all into me.

Well they went around the block and drove into the driveway from the opposite direction from where they were coming from and she said that he got lost. I was like wtf, you know your way home and she just said he made a wrong turn.

THREE DAYS LATER I FIND THE LETTER AND SHE ADMITS TO KISSING HIM SEVERIAL TIMES!!!

I believe she did allot more than just kiss him, but can't prove it. She claims that all is over between them and their affair is over but she still works with him. We shall see…she does not call him from our house, nor from her cell like she used to, and comes straight home after work…but we shall see…

I am not trying to break your heart or put thoughts into your head but just make you take a look at the possibility.

My wife and I have two beautiful kids and I never thought she was the type to cheat, but she did.

 

[vitor]

Come on MEN. Most women like a challange and if we are too giving, loving, they start to realize they have us, and its down hill. Your job is to be loving caring, but jsut enough, and to be a challange. I mean every guy she meets will probally slip her some hot beef,but she loves you, so you need to make it work, or end the pain and find someone New.

I dunno Saint, if she moved out of my room, I would think its over, I mean what the fuck, you have a Girlfriend, who's kinda likea roomate?

I find the more Im nice to girls the worst off it is. The ones I dogg out, cheat on are the ones taht sweat me the most and do anything for . This whole man woman thing is crazy.

The love of my life and I broke up like 5 months ago. For about a year I did what she ask, was loyal, did what she wanted to do, etc, and she told me that she loves me, is so attracted to me but things got stale.

I somehow got caught in the friendzone because if she wanted chinese she got it, if she wanted to see the brad pitt movie she got it.

She doesnt define who you are, Send her on her way and find someone new.

 

[Mr Pickles]

"Don't make someone your priority when they only make you their option."

excellent post

words to live by

 

[JETHRO TULL]

YEAH, THAT WHOLE GIRLFRIEND WHO IS SORTA LIKE A ROOMATE THING....

Come on MEN. Most women like a challange and if we are too giving, loving, they start to realize they have us, and its down hill. Your job is to be loving caring, but jsut enough, and to be a challange. I mean every guy she meets will probally slip her some hot beef,but she loves you, so you need to make it work, or end the pain and find someone New.

I dunno Saint, if she moved out of my room, I would think its over, I mean what the fuck, you have a Girlfriend, who's kinda likea roomate?

I find the more Im nice to girls the worst off it is. The ones I dogg out, cheat on are the ones taht sweat me the most and do anything for . This whole man woman thing is crazy.

The love of my life and I broke up like 5 months ago. For about a year I did what she ask, was loyal, did what she wanted to do, etc, and she told me that she loves me, is so attracted to me but things got stale.

I somehow got caught in the friendzone because if she wanted chinese she got it, if she wanted to see the brad pitt movie she got it.

She doesnt define who you are, Send her on her way and find someone new.

..............WOULD MAKE ME JUST WANT TO FIND ANOTHER ROOMATE WHO WASN'T SORTA LIKE A GIRLFRIEND!