Need some help

billyb88 · Jan 30, 2008

Alright, feels kinda wierd im going to spill my guts on a forum but oh well. Im a 19 year old, with a 10month old and girlfriend living with my mom(well the basement and I paid for another room to be added on). My girlfriend and I have known each other for about 6 years(talked online/over the phone for 3) then my senior year in highschool her family moved to the exact town I live in. So ofcourse we started dating, I lost my virginity to her,etc. Nothing was bad at all and then she got pregnant. We started getting in fights more, she is severely depressed and has pretty shitty parents. She kept blaming all her anger on being bi-polar, I thought it was a cop out, but we had to do something about our relationship so we went to a phsychiatrist. He said she has depression and now shes prescribed on some things.

Now you have a general idea about me let me explain the actual problems. She has always had an anger problem, she has actually hit me a couple times,smashed her cellphone outside of verizon on the ground, tried kicking my knees in,etc. I have came close to leaving her many times, and on top of that she takes shit for granted and is a bitch to my mom when we live with my mom for free. I have told her MANY times on shit she needs to work on. Like her anger/being a bitch for no reason/being a pessimistic,etc. And things go good for about two weeks or so and then it goes back to the same old shit. And on top of that she is always asking me if I really love her, and she never wants me to leave her,etc.

And Im at a point now to were I just dont feel that love I used to for her and I dont know how to explain that to her. Im really not happy in the relationship even when we are doing good. But we have a 10month old daughter now, and since her parents are POS, I know I cant just tell her to pack up and leave, and even if I could I dont know if I would have the heart to do it when she starts crying. And I love my daughter more then the world. Im really at a loss =/

Frank-Oh · Jan 30, 2008

that sucks bro..

I got my wife pregnant the 2nd month we were dating, we were married by the end of first trimester.. So that's 6months from dating and careless to married and parents. Heh.. Shit's rough! But you BOTH have to be in it for the kids. The odds are against people like us.. We're going on 9 years married and we're both 26! We have our problems, and many days I'm unhappy. I also have days where I feel great and she takes me off my axis. Other days I'm off my axis and my kids put me back on track. I can honestly say my wife does very little for my happiness. I sort of came to the realization, she doesn't have to do anything for my happiness at this point. I need loyalty, respect, and a conscience mother to my two daughters.

Back to your girl... She has a problem, she has seen a doctor, and she is on meds.. She needs to be on top of those meds and find things to burn her energy on. She needs to appreciate you trying to make good things happen for YOUR family. She needs to respect your mother and her home. She needs to be more mindful of her actions. She needs to get this shit in order before it becomes a heavier burden. Things from now on just get harder and the more crap you drag the more resent you will have in the future, and the more unhappiness will control your life.

How is she as a mother?

billyb88 · Jan 30, 2008

I have told her exactly what you said many and many of times, and she never keeps doing it. She will keep doing something to a point its bothering me so bad I say something about it, then she either gets mad or works on it for a week then its back to normal.

And she is a great mother.

lilkoreangirl · Feb 1, 2008

...

Living with someone who is bi-polar is not an easy thing, let alone LOVING someone who is bi-polar.

With the very little info you have posted it sounds like the two of you are at a heavy low point in your relationship. You have to ask yourself, "Can I live like this for the rest of my life?" If the answer is no, something has to change. Yes, she has seen a doctor, but from what you are saying it sounds like he/she tried to cure the problems with meds and not communication.

A good friend once told me that communication is the most intimate part of any relationship. It never dawned on me that this was actually true until I faced issues of my own. It's very true. Do you and your girlfriend communicate your feelings well to one another? My initial impression is that you don't.

Communicating with someone who is not medicated and bi-polar can be a tremendous effort. If she is on her meds the bi-polar issues should be secondary to the other issues at hand. Again, just going off of what you’ve written, it’s obvious that she’s very insecure. Insecurity, like being bi-polar, is a very difficult thing to deal with. Only, I think it’s harder. You can’t treat insecurity, you just have to be yourself, offer reassurance and hope it fades away. Hope being the operative word. Some people live their whole lives being insecure. You said she’s afraid of you leaving her. Has she been left before? Maybe she’s subconsciously comparing you to others who have hurt her in the past? (Which isn’t far and I’m not condoning by any means, but it happens quite often.)

Communication with an insecure person is usually difficult because you’ll find that the conversation often times revolves around how they feel, what they want, what they need. It’s not usually an open discussion, it’s more like a therapeutic session between the two of you where you are there to listen and offer console and they are there to vent. The end of the conversation is usually you feeling better just because the other person feels better and not because anything was truly resolved.

Ok LKG, where are you going with this…

Be open with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her things have to change or you will leave. Not because you want to, but because your relationship is not healthy for you guys and ultimately not healthy for your baby to witness let alone be involved in. Do you love her? Do you want to work it out? Or do you want to leave?

If you want to stay: If you love her enough to say screw it, I want this to work and I’ll do whatever it takes, then I strongly recommend you do it. Fight for her. Fight for your love together. Fight for your family. It will be hard, but anything worth doing isn’t going to be easy. Someone told me that once, too. Relationships are hard work. Realize if you don’t have these problems with her you’ll have different problems with someone else. Maybe not of the same magnitude, but problems no less. You have to decide within yourself if she’s worth it.

If you want to go: If you want to go because you’re not happy, realize this may just be a very difficult time in your life and also a very frustrating one because you feel like you’re a one man army fighting for the two of you, which isn’t fair. You two should be a team. So talk to her. Communicate. Find a way to speak to her in a language that she understands. What I mean by that is, MAKE HER UNDERSTAND. Just as an anecdote: If you are a good writer and she is a poor reader, don’t express yourself via letter. If you are a stellar singer and she is deaf, you can’t sing her an ode to make her get how you feel. Bring yourself to whatever level she is on (with the exclusion of violence and verbal ugliness) and just make her get it. You love her that much, make her get it.

If you want to go and you don’t love her: go. Just go.*

*I’m not a parent, so please forgive me. But IMO I feel as if a child would be happier and healthier while being raised in an environment with much less arguing, physical violence, lack of love to witness and negativity. You love your baby. That will never change, whether you decide to stay with your lady or not. Remember that. It’s easy [on paper] to say you’ll stay with someone “for the kids” but to do it means risking their ultimate happiness too. Think about it. How would you feel if you grew up in an environment where your parents were physically violent, always arguing, felt jaded towards one another, etc? I would think an individual raised in that type of environment would grow up thinking it’s normal and end up in a relationship like that themselves. Part of being a good parent, SHEER SPECULATION, is being a living example- I apologize if this is incorrect.

Finally: Put your daughter in your shoes. What would you tell her to do? Just think about it.

Luck of the world to you,
LKG

lilkoreangirl · Feb 2, 2008

...

PS
Being disrespectful to your mother is unacceptable.

lucian · Feb 2, 2008

....

this will not be an easy road. one thing at a time.
decide if she is worth fighting for. move forward from there. if she is worth it.....just dont give up. maybe get out of your moms house. sometimes such close quarters are too stressful for whatever reason. space on your own with your girl will help everyone. then its you and her to fix or not fix things.
i know how hard this is.
good luck and remember:
do your best to remain calm. if you both freak out you just start at square one.
god bless
lucian

Frank-Oh · Feb 4, 2008

lilkoreangirl said:
Living with someone who is bi-polar is not an easy thing, let alone LOVING someone who is bi-polar.

With the very little info you have posted it sounds like the two of you are at a heavy low point in your relationship. You have to ask yourself, "Can I live like this for the rest of my life?" If the answer is no, something has to change. Yes, she has seen a doctor, but from what you are saying it sounds like he/she tried to cure the problems with meds and not communication.

A good friend once told me that communication is the most intimate part of any relationship. It never dawned on me that this was actually true until I faced issues of my own. It's very true. Do you and your girlfriend communicate your feelings well to one another? My initial impression is that you don't.

Communicating with someone who is not medicated and bi-polar can be a tremendous effort. If she is on her meds the bi-polar issues should be secondary to the other issues at hand. Again, just going off of what you’ve written, it’s obvious that she’s very insecure. Insecurity, like being bi-polar, is a very difficult thing to deal with. Only, I think it’s harder. You can’t treat insecurity, you just have to be yourself, offer reassurance and hope it fades away. Hope being the operative word. Some people live their whole lives being insecure. You said she’s afraid of you leaving her. Has she been left before? Maybe she’s subconsciously comparing you to others who have hurt her in the past? (Which isn’t far and I’m not condoning by any means, but it happens quite often.)

Communication with an insecure person is usually difficult because you’ll find that the conversation often times revolves around how they feel, what they want, what they need. It’s not usually an open discussion, it’s more like a therapeutic session between the two of you where you are there to listen and offer console and they are there to vent. The end of the conversation is usually you feeling better just because the other person feels better and not because anything was truly resolved.

Ok LKG, where are you going with this…

Be open with her. Tell her exactly how you feel. Tell her things have to change or you will leave. Not because you want to, but because your relationship is not healthy for you guys and ultimately not healthy for your baby to witness let alone be involved in. Do you love her? Do you want to work it out? Or do you want to leave?

If you want to stay: If you love her enough to say screw it, I want this to work and I’ll do whatever it takes, then I strongly recommend you do it. Fight for her. Fight for your love together. Fight for your family. It will be hard, but anything worth doing isn’t going to be easy. Someone told me that once, too. Relationships are hard work. Realize if you don’t have these problems with her you’ll have different problems with someone else. Maybe not of the same magnitude, but problems no less. You have to decide within yourself if she’s worth it.

If you want to go: If you want to go because you’re not happy, realize this may just be a very difficult time in your life and also a very frustrating one because you feel like you’re a one man army fighting for the two of you, which isn’t fair. You two should be a team. So talk to her. Communicate. Find a way to speak to her in a language that she understands. What I mean by that is, MAKE HER UNDERSTAND. Just as an anecdote: If you are a good writer and she is a poor reader, don’t express yourself via letter. If you are a stellar singer and she is deaf, you can’t sing her an ode to make her get how you feel. Bring yourself to whatever level she is on (with the exclusion of violence and verbal ugliness) and just make her get it. You love her that much, make her get it.

If you want to go and you don’t love her: go. Just go.*

*I’m not a parent, so please forgive me. But IMO I feel as if a child would be happier and healthier while being raised in an environment with much less arguing, physical violence, lack of love to witness and negativity. You love your baby. That will never change, whether you decide to stay with your lady or not. Remember that. It’s easy [on paper] to say you’ll stay with someone “for the kids” but to do it means risking their ultimate happiness too. Think about it. How would you feel if you grew up in an environment where your parents were physically violent, always arguing, felt jaded towards one another, etc? I would think an individual raised in that type of environment would grow up thinking it’s normal and end up in a relationship like that themselves. Part of being a good parent, SHEER SPECULATION, is being a living example- I apologize if this is incorrect.

Finally: Put your daughter in your shoes. What would you tell her to do? Just think about it.

Luck of the world to you,
LKG

Are you available for consultation? You just described what a conversation/argument in my home is exactly like. heh..

lilkoreangirl · Feb 4, 2008

Frank-oh

...anything I can do to help...

LKG

wizard of ozz · Feb 6, 2008

How is everything going billyb88 ? I have been thru the same situation as you almost 100% the same. Problems are there to be solved and there is always a way.ALWAYS.Here to help mate .

billyb88 · Mar 5, 2008

Hey sorry Ive taken so long to reply, been very busy. Things are still about the same. But we have had to deal with a very big issue for the past couple of weeks, and add it on top of everything else, Im just feeling like I really want out of this relationship and start a new life.

The situation is this. She had been complaining about being in one room for a while now, and got to one point where she said we can either get a place of our own, or she will leave. Well I suggested we turn the garage(room right next to ours) into a room with our income tax. She loved the idea and said we will def do it. Well my best friend builds houses for a living, and we decided to end up paying him.

Well to make a long story short it ended up costing alot more than expected, and she ended up spending all of her income tax on the room. After we had bought 1000 bucks of material she actually had one of her fits and said she to cancel everything and not do it. I gave her the option of either finishing it or Ill be packing my bags that day.(my friend had already put in a days work, we had orded a dump to be dropped off and already spent 1000 bucks on material, there was no going back)

Well fast forward today, 3300 dollars down for the room(1200 labor, rest materials) and the room is done besides one or two coats of mud, sanding, and putting the floor in. My friend hasnt worked on the room in about 4 days, and she has been constantly nagging me about if he is going to work on the room or not. He told us halfway thru that he would probably not sand/mud the whole thing hiself and wanted us to help him, she didnt agree with it but I said i would try and help.

She went off on me earlier today about all of it, and how its all my fault that her income tax is gone and the room isnt done. I have tried 150% to please her and get the room done but that isnt good enough for her.

My dad lives about 2 hours from here, and would be willing to let me move in rent free. I would have to find a job and he would help me pay for school. I also work for my mom, and have for the past 2 yrs. My mom and girlfriend are exactly alike, although she doesnt want to admit it. I work with 8 women and 1 man everyday, all I hear is them complaining about something, then I get to go home and hear my mom and lacie complain about things, and it just repeats everyday. I really do not want to work for my mom anymore either.

I really just dont know what to do, I wish things could work between us but my feelings arent there anymore. Im mainly just playing it off like everything is dandy for our daughter and to keep a house over there head. I know her parents will be very pissed if we broke up, and although they would let her move back in I dont know how well that would work out for her.